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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Giving a too expensive wedding gift - embarrassing

58 replies

AlbaAlba · 25/08/2017 22:01

Gift etiquette question.

DH is from a very well-off upper class family, and is a high earner. When we go to his friend/family wedding we give gifts of several hundred pounds (and received similar). When it is a wedding on my much more modest side we find it really hard to agree on an appropriate sum.

He feels we can afford it, and should give them the same as his friends. I feel that that could be awkward when I know that friends are not well off and gave us a much smaller sum (think £20-30).

I just don't want to embarrass them or make them feel awkward. Giving gifts of 10x + more than you receive feels like it could be viewed as anything from showing off our greater spending power to really insensitive. I don't want them to feel they have to be massively grateful or anything, or worse, feel embarrassed that they gave a much smaller gift.

I think if we were in our 40s/50s giving gifts to nephews etc, it would feel ok, but when they're the same age/stage of life, it's awkward.

Sometimes DH wins the argument, sometimes I get a compromise. A £30 gift seems insufficient when we can easily afford more, and I'd like them to have something nice, so I aim for around the £100-£150 mark. Sometimes this clearly flusters people, so I think maybe it's still too much. DH thinks we're being stingy.

WWYD / AIBU or is DH to insist?

OP posts:

Livingdiisgracefully · 25/08/2017 23:01

It just seems a shame to me that people can't be generous if they can afford it. What's the point of having money if you can't treat the people that you love?

As long as it's not given in a patronising way, no strings are attached or that special attention isnt given to their gift, surely it's possible to just appreciate it for what it is: a gift proportionate to what they can afford.

For example if someone is earning £1 million a year, they may feel mean giving £30. They certainly wouldn't expect a gift of say, £100-£500 (depending on closeness of friend/family) to be reciprocated.

I'm not in this bracket, by the way, but on a different scale, I'd love to treat my friend to lunch more often as she is struggling financially, but I know pride would only rarely allow to it accept it. I know that she would be incredibly generous to me if the situation were reversed, so it's frustrating not to be able to treat her more often.

Laquila · 25/08/2017 23:04

I don't remember really know the answer here, but I do remember that when we got married, one of my husband's cousins said "We just got you the most expensive thing on your list...hope that's ok", and I was baffled, and slightly embarrassed. He is odd though. His Japanese wife was mortified that he'd said it, I think.

I think if you're very well-of, £100 is a generous and reasonable amount that wouldn't make people feel uncomfortable. We're not very well-off, and usually give about £50-£60 for a full day wedding.

Original poster

AlbaAlba · 25/08/2017 23:05

Hulder
Don't worry, I wouldn't give £30, in our circumstances, that wouldn't be fair, as a % of our income. But if we aim for a more realistic % value of £300+ then we are in uncomfortable territory for some recipients. (Btw they wouldn't know that DH's side exchange much more valuable gifts as the groups don't overlap.)

Interesting getting all the different opinions. Given there's quite a lot of variation I'm going to stick with my instinct that meeting in the middle between DH and my figures is probably best.

OP posts:

JigglyTuff · 25/08/2017 23:09

I think off-register generous gifts are fine but buying the entire cookware set when you're a distant relation could potentially be a bit awkward.

Having said that, I suspect that if your family is (even vaguely) aware of your wealth, they'd be slightly disappointed if you gave them eg one facecloth and a hand towel!

JoJoSM2 · 25/08/2017 23:12

We had a similar conundrum a few weeks ago when deciding on a cash gift for a family wedding. My sister 's advice was, 'X amount would be about right plus 50% as you're minted'. I found it quite funny but went with the number - reasonably generous without being ridiculous.

HeddaGarbled · 25/08/2017 23:19

I think you make the decisions for your side, he makes the decisions for his side. If you just organise it yourself, he doesn't even need to know how much you've spent. Just say "l'm sorting this" and then refuse to discuss further. You know them best, you can make your own judgements just like he does with his side.

WaxOnFeckOff · 25/08/2017 23:21

Ah, I was about to say that surely people appreciate that you are well off and therefore are happy to accept on the basis that you are well off and generous and that wouldn't be embarrassing. then I read your update that people might not be aware so that makes it a little more awkward.

can't say i'd be offended or would try to reciprocate though. :)

Ttbb · 25/08/2017 23:23

We had gifts ranging from £30 to £800 (from friends). They are gave what they could reasonably afford and we felt no discomfort. Likewise we give what we can afford. I can only hope that the recpricants feel no discomfort.

Original poster

AlbaAlba · 25/08/2017 23:28

Hedda good plan! If he won't take that I'll start writing cheques for £30 to whichever aristo gets married next.

Could be worse - when I asked for physical gift ideas IIRC he once suggested some sort of shotgun.

OP posts:

Pleasefindmyreallife · 25/08/2017 23:40

I love it when I get fantastic presents off epwealthy friends,
As long as I know they can afford it I assume they are just buying what they think a nice gift is. If they bought a cheap gift I would think ( if it was an occasion worth overthinking the thought behind things) that they were being tight. If you know someone is a night wage earner and they get a you toaster you'd think cheapskate.
I can't imagine anyone feeling bad about an expensive gift if they knew you were good for it.

elevenclips · 25/08/2017 23:42

I'm surprised the rich people hand out such big cheques. Don't you get rich by hoarding money, not dishing it out? Anyway. In answer to your question, I'd give different amounts to different people.

The "poor" people that gave you £30 - I'd give them £50.
The "rich" people that gave you £200, - I'd give them up to £200, certainly no more. Although I can never imaging giving a friend £200.

In fact maybe it'd be easier to decline some of these invites. Or life will be seriously expensive for you.

I hanvent been to a wedding for ages, I am really glad about it!

Original poster

AlbaAlba · 25/08/2017 23:46

elevenclips my experience has generally been tight on own family's stuff, house, clothes etc, but generous for presents, particularly weddings.

But weddings are fun! You get to see lots of friends, catch up etc. We're all so scattered, weddings are one of the places you can easily get everyone back together again.

OP posts:

winewolfhowls · 25/08/2017 23:48

Could you give the smaller amount of money then a case of wine or fizz? Just an idea!

Original poster

AlbaAlba · 25/08/2017 23:48

And 'big' is relative.

OP posts:

Sally52014 · 25/08/2017 23:49

I find this thread so interesting, especially after just chatting to one of my friends. She's going out with a lovely guy from the UK (we're Irish) and they were having a really similar conversation to this thread, this evening. He was baffled at how much money Irish people tend to give at weddings - for our circle €300 would be a standard gift and it could easily go to €1k depending on how close you are to the couple. Family can be even more. The funny thing is, sometimes people give these huge amounts even when they can't afford it. I just find it really interesting how there's such a difference in it all between two countries that are so alike!! Even our styles of weddings seem so different. It's mad!! I'd love to attend a wedding in the UK some day!!

ADishBestEatenCold · 25/08/2017 23:53

"the two circles don't overlap, so my side wouldn't have any clue about the value of gifting that goes on with his side"

Maybe, but presumably your family do know that you married a wealthy man, though. They probably look at your £20 gift and think you are unspeakably mean.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 26/08/2017 00:09

Give a gift that doesn't have an obvious price tag. Something handmade or from an independent shop if you are worried about embarrassing people. I doubt many are going to be looking up the rrp of their gifts!

Camomila · 26/08/2017 00:10

Why not give a gift where it's hard to tell how much it cost...maybe something arty and handmade off etsy? Or champagne?

SheepyFun · 26/08/2017 00:22

Weddings are (hopefully!) a one off, so I'd err on the side of generosity; we actually give more to our poorer friends - some of our wealthier family wouldn't notice £500 one way or the other, whereas some of our friends are counting every penny.

For birthday/Christmas presents, it might feel a bit different - especially if you're giving things rather than cash; some poorer recipients who really couldn't afford it might feel they had to reciprocate, which would be making their lives harder rather than better.

CoughLaughFart · 26/08/2017 00:31

Maybe, but presumably your family do know that you married a wealthy man, though. They probably look at your £20 gift and think you are unspeakably mean.

Grabby bastards.

Whinesalot · 26/08/2017 00:43

If you give £100, that is more than they normally give but not that much more so they may feel they need to match it for you etc or feel guilty. If you go for the much much higher amount, then they obviously can't match it so are much more likely to spend what they normally would on you. They won't feel the pressure so much.

I'd go for the larger amount and put something on the tag like "please accept this gift and it will give us great pleasure to hear what you spend it on" so that they know you are doing it as much your sake as theirs iyswim.

HiJenny35 · 26/08/2017 00:49

I'd hate this, on one hand yes the money would be lovely but on the other I'd feel like when it got to an event they had I needed to gift a similar amount and I might not have it. Just give an amount that you feel most guests would give and that's fine.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 26/08/2017 01:21

I think your feelings are about right.
Anything up to £100 shouldn't be too uncomfortable for people unless they're dreadfully proud; but I wouldn't go over the £100 if you can avoid it unless it's something specific that they've requested.

Your DH sounds like a generous man, but he has to appreciate that overt displays of wealth can be quite overwhelming and oppressive to people who cannot reciprocate. Some will be grateful and pleased, but lots will be made quite uncomfortable by it. He might not understand it, but he just needs to accept it.

INFP · 26/08/2017 01:53

I think it depends on how your family would view it.

If your instinct is that they would resent an expensive gift as an in your face brag then give a less expensive gift.

If you think they would be disappointed with a cheap gift knowing your wealth then give them a flash gift.

Trust your instincts.

BlondeB83 · 26/08/2017 01:54

£30 is a bit cheap for a wedding gift! Mine have ranged from £60-120 and I'm not 'upper class' .

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