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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

.. to be cross that I have to spend 4 days of my precious holiday with MIL

48 replies

meowmix · 01/04/2007 09:25

when she only just left here having stayed for nearly 16 days (torture and agony), its my first trip back home in 10 months, my first holiday since 2002, means I won't get to see my best mates who're the other end of the UK from her, will spend less time with my family and means that she can re-engage in her olympic judging of her DIL (me) who she evidently thinks is one step up from amoebic dyssentry.....

I mean does that say holiday to you??

OP posts:
ToughDaddy · 01/04/2007 09:43

DP's perspective on this is crucial. how does he/she see it? You can get some credits for this? Can MIL be put to any use?

pesme · 01/04/2007 09:52

can't you leave dp etc with her and run off and see your friends?

Original poster
meowmix · 01/04/2007 10:13

DH thinks I should just accept his fait accompli (he is a sucker for his mother saying "ooh but your grandad really wants to see you and this could be his last summer" That man has now had 18 last summers to my certain knowledge). Prob is they're in the middle of absolutely nowhere and my friends are in London so I can't just skip off, plus it causes huge tutting and bosom heaving.

DH sees it as necessary torture. I'm possibly being unfair as I am longing for time off from work and DH hasn't been working since we got here. So I keep thinking he's had it nice and relaxed and I've been manic. Which is just .. unreasonable...

i wanted to sit in a pub and drink too much wine with my girls tho. sobs.

OP posts:
FlossALump · 01/04/2007 10:29

DP should say you will come but that meomix wants to go and see her friends, so we will come to you by all means but it is a break for meomix too.

moondog · 01/04/2007 10:36

God I wouldn't.
No bloody way.
I loved my MIL but wouldn't even have done more than 3 days with her.

BigEggLittleEgg · 01/04/2007 10:43

Not unreasonable. Been trying to explain to my own DH that a holiday is NOT a holiday if MIL is there. Got four days with my own MIL coming up too so my thoughts are with you...

Judy1234 · 01/04/2007 10:47

I don't see why you can't just catch a train on your own to London for 3 or 4 days? What stops that? Ignore the bosom heaving of others and have a good time with friends. Just because you're married doesn't mean you have to do 100% things together all the time.

Original poster
meowmix · 01/04/2007 10:51

DP should say that but he won't. I wouldn't mind (ahem SMALL lie there) but I have just spent 16 days with her in the house judging my every move. But apparently she's agreed that we can go to the pub one night, leaving DS with her, as long as we take her sister along too..... so that'll be a blast.

OP posts:
Original poster
meowmix · 01/04/2007 10:53

can't abandon DH with them or blood will be shed, and anyway I want to spend time with MY family too. Its just when I planned this holiday I did foolishly assume that I'd get to do some things I want to do.

OP posts:
wanderingstar · 01/04/2007 10:54

I don't undersdtand why this visit comes so soon after the 16 day incarceration with her, at your house (am I reading your post correctly) ?
I'd be jumping on the train too; or at least lobbying hard for it. How old is ds ?

Judy1234 · 01/04/2007 10:58

"can't abandon DH with them or blood will be shed"... Well it wouldn't and you could. He's not going to divorce you over it.

Therefore you're stopping it, not him. I don't know how young the children are or if they're breastfeeding but if they're over 2 if you went to London for even just one night you'd probably feel better and also feel you'd had 24 hours of a bit of freedom and established you don't do what MIL and husband do like some kind of placid lap dog.

Original poster
meowmix · 01/04/2007 10:58

DS 3.5. The visit timing is a bit pants but I have a conference thing to go for work to which means flight costs are much lower than if we all have to pay so DH thought they'd come too. otherwise I wouldn't seem em till august

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BigEggLittleEgg · 01/04/2007 11:00

So are you all going on holiday together (your family and DH's)? Or are you and DH and his parents going to stay with or near your own parents / family?

How on earth did you land up having her to stay for 16 days at your house (and more importantly, how did you survive???).

Not quite sure I can work out what is going on with the holiday, but I know you deserve some sympathy!

Original poster
meowmix · 01/04/2007 11:01

oh no xenia - as in he would kill MIL. they can do about 24 hrs in each others company.

A round trip to London will be about 20 hours travel, which after all the travel there etc is more than I can take. We'll be back that way anyway to catch flights home so its more a case of convincing him to undo MIL's schedule of activities she has planned for us so we get back to London earlier. He's stuck between mother and wife poor lamb

OP posts:
Original poster
meowmix · 01/04/2007 11:02

Nah we're expats so have no UK base right now. We're doing 3 days with my family, 2 with DH's best mates, 2 in a B&B near my family, 4 with MIL and then 1 at heathrow. all very complicated

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Original poster
meowmix · 01/04/2007 11:03

by the way I love this phrase Xenia: "some kind of placid lap dog.". Do you never do something for someone you love even though its agony to yourself?

OP posts:
paulaplumpbottom · 01/04/2007 11:04

I think I'd tell this woman where to get off. You can go to the pub only if you take her sister?????

CMac · 01/04/2007 11:05

Invent a wedding/christening/some other celebration in London just before your flight home - that way you can say - oh what a pain we can't stay with you longer dear MIL but we really HAVE to go to wedding/christening/whatever...

Blu · 01/04/2007 11:05

Hmmm. If he feels like that, then it is completely unfair of him to expect you tobe there simply as a buffer. Although there do seem to be a number of days with or near your family. But then they haven't been to stay with you so recently. Honestly, I would swap the 4 days with MIL for some days with your friends - if DH has matricidal tendencies, then that's his problem!

Original poster
meowmix · 01/04/2007 11:06

yeah thats not happening. but like many things its easier to smile and wave now and take action at the time. DH hasn't worked that out yet.

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Summerfruit · 01/04/2007 11:07

Message withdrawn

Plibble · 01/04/2007 11:09

Just go and see your friends. You've just had her to stay for 16 days which is above and beyond (mine are currently staying for only 5 days and I am ready to run away from home, so you have my sympathy).

Why would "blood be shed" if you leave him with his mother who he (presumably) wants to see? Present it as a nice opportunity for him to spend some time with his mother and your dc ("three generations in the place where you grew up, how lovely, blah blah blah"). Then run for the hills (or London in your case)! If the MIL really behaves as if she views you as a form of nasty stomach complaint, then she will be glad you have gone. You'll come back 4 days later to find your DH being treated like a 3 year old. With any luck he'll remember why he left home in the first place and you won't be treated to a visit to MIL again for a while.

Original poster
meowmix · 01/04/2007 11:15

Oh he knows whats she's like, he just hasn't evolved enough to front it out rather than sething in peace.

Its ye olde story of keeping the peace. I'd rather she had it out and told me what she thought rather than the daggers looks but thats not their way so.. c'est la vie/. Can't be changed - or at least not worth the effort at this present time. I'll just have to drink like a fish to get through it.

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WinkyWinkola · 01/04/2007 11:19

You've just had SIXTEEN days of MIL or any visitor for that matter? Blimey, I think you're a hero and clearly with the patience of a saint. That is no kind of holiday. Poor old you.

I'm just coming to the end of four days with PIL here and I'll be so glad for life to get back to normal especially being due with DC2 in two weeks.

Sometimes you don't realise how sacred your home is as your sanctuary until visitors come to stay.

Don't really see how MIL can dictate to you whether you can go to the pub or not and or who you take with you! I reckon you'll have to suffer it this time but next time maybe think ahead more and plan better. Beware though - MIL will now think 2+ weeks with you guys is normal visiting amount and her expectations will be the same every time.

Judy1234 · 01/04/2007 11:31

Sorry about placid lap dog comment but it does annoy me the legions of women who complain about XYZ and then accept. Of course you do things for someone you love - the 16 days with MIL was presumably a huge exercise in wifely devotion and martyrdom but you need effective techniques to resolve things amicably. Here he needs to do as you say - get her to unravel her plans so you and he and the children can spend some days alone near London without her. So you need a method of convincing him that is reasonable and that you will countenance no other plan but in a way which psychologically makes him and MIL feel like winners and everyone is happy but if you can't keep them happy then you still need a plan that gets you and him time without her too otherwise for the next 40 years you'll be posting threads like this and then in the end kow towing to her demands.