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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

.. to be cross that I have to spend 4 days of my precious holiday with MIL

48 replies

meowmix · 01/04/2007 09:25

when she only just left here having stayed for nearly 16 days (torture and agony), its my first trip back home in 10 months, my first holiday since 2002, means I won't get to see my best mates who're the other end of the UK from her, will spend less time with my family and means that she can re-engage in her olympic judging of her DIL (me) who she evidently thinks is one step up from amoebic dyssentry.....

I mean does that say holiday to you??

OP posts:

Chandra · 01/04/2007 12:50

Well meowmix... keeping the peace sometimes just makes things worse, I have expected DH to draw the line for us to be able to have some privacy and I waited for 8 years, now all has blown up I don't think there's a way back. Consider this as a necesary bad moment you need to go through to avoid things building up with worse consequences in the future.

Original poster

meowmix · 01/04/2007 13:06

appreciate all your insights but this is my first break full stop at all since 2002. I'd rather bite my tongue than start a war, I need to recharge some seriously depleted batteries.

but that doesn't mean I don't need a grumble...

OP posts:

Judy1234 · 01/04/2007 14:05

Sometimes you need to win some battles though on the way to winning the war over all. If you think it would mean no holiday at all if you objected then I suppose you're doing the right thing. Anyway may be she'll be fine. Plenty of women around the world have to move in with their MIL and submit to her power until she dies in many cultures around the world and indeed obey her.

Original poster

meowmix · 01/04/2007 14:14

jesus Xenia - sounds like a threat. There's a reason we're expats - 3500 miles distance is about right!

OP posts:

colditz · 01/04/2007 14:17

I am with Xenia here, I would not be moaning about this because I would not be doing this.

Judy1234 · 01/04/2007 14:18

No, there are just a lot of Indian families around here and for some of them it's the tradition I think that when you marry you move into your husband's parent's house, often with his brother and wife adn children too and the cousins call each other cousin brothers, it's that close a relationship. It's just a different way of living. Pros and cons. Care of elderly is taken care of and there are loads of babysitters on hand, shared cooking, it's communal living really. It leads of demand for very large houses too.

Original poster

meowmix · 01/04/2007 14:32

yes many here too in the heart of arabia. husbands build wings for their/their wifes mothers when their husbands die etc. But the power lies with the current wife not the mother of...

Colditz - its not my decision to separate DH from his family, thats his decision for me to support if/when he makes it. Me taking a stand at this time would force a split which I do not believe he wants. I doubt its an unmitigated joy for him to spend time with my family but he handles it as I will have to. In the meantime the only respite I have is to whine to total strangers on the net.

OP posts:

colditz · 01/04/2007 14:41

just don't stay around her. It's not your job to enable their relationship.

for the time she is there, make youself scarce, go and see friends, or stay at home.

Leaving him to his own devices isn't forcing anything - he's an adult and he's responsible for his own actions to his own mother, IMO.

Judy1234 · 01/04/2007 14:56

Good point. Wife of powerful man has more seniority and power than his mother in some places. I think that was probably true here too. I was thinking of old China too but I think there what I'd read was that the mother kept the post power. Not sure. May be that was just late King's wives. I suppose a new Queen married to a King takes precedence over his mother. If we say power comes from the man in this sexist planet we live on. Still doesn't stop all these oedipal men giving preference to their mothers' wives though whatever the tradition - Oedpus etc.

Original poster

meowmix · 01/04/2007 15:11

oh I do when she's on my territory. escape on her territory is less simple given its literally the middle of nowhere. Last time I had a very handy cold that let me hide in bed.

I love FIL tho (well step FIL) he;s a poppet.

Xenia - my next door neighbour has wife, sister, mother, her mother, her sister (widowed), her mother's sister and 4 daughters all living with him. He explained to DH that if you're in that kind of set up you have to put one of them in charge and it might as well be the one with ... er... favours ... to grant. DH is fascinated by them all in horrified fashion. They go shopping in a fleet!

OP posts:

SSShakeTheChi · 01/04/2007 15:20

I wouldn't do it.

Well if you can't see a way out of it now, I expect you have to spend us much time as you can out of the house and away from her on whatever excuse you can come up with.

Perhaps clear with dh how future holidays are going to be organised - or organise them yourself maybe.

Original poster

meowmix · 01/04/2007 15:33

Ah well I did organise this holiday except for 4 days where I assumed we could just rest up.

My PA has been primed to call every hour and demand I check email for those days. Some measure of escape at least!

OP posts:

magicfarawaytree · 01/04/2007 15:54

not unreasonable.

ToughDaddy · 01/04/2007 16:01

can't you fake hospitalisation (with deadly virus- so no visitors) or some other dramatic escape route?

ToughDaddy · 01/04/2007 16:29

or arrange a "kidnapping" of yourself? I know someone who said that his girlfriend had attempted "kidnap". Girl showed up okay in the end and now they are living happily for ever....

Judy1234 · 01/04/2007 16:33

mm, at least he only has one wife. On holiday in Panama just after the British bomb threats at Heathrow a man with two women, all fully robed etc joined us. My daughter got talking to them - they were his first and his new wife (he was about 20) and broad Leeds accent. In the end we played ball with the wives in the pool who wore long clothes etc My teenage daughters were speculating as to who got his bed which night.

There have been a few societies where women get two men too and in parts of China as they've killed off so many girl babies brothers often have to share one woman.

With dull relatives the answer is to bring lots of books etc. Sitting there engrossed in the FT can stop the dullest ones intruding or suggest very vigorous walks they can't keep up with.

ToughDaddy · 01/04/2007 18:16

don't mean to trivialise this issue but my in-laws don't mind when increase my long distance running when i go to stay. Actually the endorphin kick does wonders. So you could have intensive training for the marathon over these 4 days

moondog · 01/04/2007 23:11

HGmm,this is the reason why my parents (and now dh and I) have always maintaineda base in the uK even when living an working abroad.
Avoids all this aggro.
Xenia is dead right on this one.

Original poster

meowmix · 02/04/2007 12:15

blimey if I tried running I'd probably have a coronary

if she was actively unpleasant then it'd be worth making a fuss, as its just niggles and looks then I prefer trying to rise above. End of day it bothers her more than me.

honestly if it weren't so soon after her visit it wouldn't be so bad. but god only knows what we'll talk about.

(MIL ignores obvious signs of reading or worse says things like "ooooh are you reading... again...)

OP posts:

Anna8888 · 02/04/2007 12:47

It is completely reasonable not to want to spend your holidays with your PILs.

I never force my partner to come to England with me. He is invited (though not always). I like spending time with my parents on my own, without him, and they like having me and my daughter to stay without him. So sometimes we go together and sometimes not. I would never dream of forcing him, but in fact he likes going there as he finds it very restful (in their retirement my parents have set themselves up as a gorgeous 5* hotel for their daughters and grandchildren).

It's a bit different with my parents-out-of-law as they live nearby and we see them (not too) often for short periods. I have spent two weekends with them at their apartment by the sea. This was torture and I avoid it like the plague.

Judy1234 · 02/04/2007 13:45

Taking a lap top and conveniently having a load of work to do on it helps then if you can't exhaust them on a jog. Say you need 4 hours a day on your own to write your novel

RedFraggle · 02/04/2007 16:43

Go and do your own thing with your friends, as has been pointed out by another poster it is not your responsibility to maintain their relationship.

I recommend this approach as it is very good for your own sanity to "let go" of this sense of responsibility for something that is truly not your burden to carry.

ToughDaddy · 03/04/2007 17:57

How about neutralising all the tension with over the top behaviour: smothering her with praise, tell her what a wonderful MIL she is and how much you have appreciated her over the years and how really very lucky you are to have her as a MIL......

Whatever you do, I keep thinking that you have to stop "the drift" and take the initiative and change the pattern of behaviour and response in this relationship.

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