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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not let dp go out...

82 replies

muddylettuce · 25/08/2017 18:18

It's my mother's 60th birthday celebration this weekend, she has booked a house that sleeps 10 so all her children, plus partners and grandchildren can stay together. There is a meal booked Saturday at 3pm and a big picnic the next day. Dp has been invited to a party by a friend Saturday night from 6pm. He thinks I am being unreasonable in saying he can't go, says no one will miss him for a few hours and we live locally so physically he can do both. I think he is being unreasonable for thinking it's ok to leave my mother's bash! She's paid a lot of money so everyone can stay under one roof, it's obviously important to her we're all there.

OP posts:

ItsNotLit · 25/08/2017 20:16

I want him to prioritise my family because in doing so means he prioritises me.

If I were him I would absolutely hate this type of emotional blackmail, wouldn't you worry that if he did stay he would be doing it because he feels he has to rather than because he genuinely wants to.

He has behaved like an absolute jerk but I don't think setting him tests and trying to control him is going to help you rebuild the relationship.

missiondecision · 25/08/2017 20:20

If your whole family are there then can you ask someone to watch the children for a short while and go with him.

missiondecision · 25/08/2017 20:23

If the object of his desire was likely to be present then yadnbu. He is a dickweed to think he should go.
But as an outsider, older and wiser I'd also say, don't marry him in a hurry. Take your time to work out of he is what you want forever. Don't marry him to "claim him".

timeisnotaline · 25/08/2017 20:32

So, my mil had a weekend away for her 60th, for family. Her children and grandchildren all came and even though it was relaxed without much scheduled, leaving for an event would have been extremely rude. Basically your dp is away for the weekend and should act like it I think. But it sounds like you have bigger issues and should make sure you don't get married before you sort them. If you go to his family things when you don't want to does he not appreciate that enough to return the favour? I'd expect fair treatment on this type of thing, or id dump his family whenever I felt like it, and zero guilt.

TeachesOfPeaches · 25/08/2017 21:21

I was going to say YABU as I think a whole weekend for a birthday is OTT. But in the context of the affair then YANBU.

BackforGood · 25/08/2017 21:42

I want him to prioritise my family because in doing so means he prioritises me

No it doesn't. It means you are making him resent you.

I would have no problem if a DiL or SiL nipped out to a friend's party for a couple of hours in the circumstances you describe. You have said the meal is at 3pm. At most, I would ask if he could do the bath / bedtime routine, and go after that, then I'd settle down for a lovely evening with my Mum and siblings.
If the situation were reversed, and a friend asked me to something I could pop to for a couple of hours in the evening, after spending the day with my in-laws, I would want to go too. My PiL would understand that, and be quite happy.

The very fact you have asked about 'letting him go out' made me in the first place though. DH and I are both adults, able to make our own choices and decisions. I've never "asked permission" to go somewhere, and nor does he need to.

SilverySurfer · 25/08/2017 22:12

How exactly would you not LET him go? I presume he's a fully functioning adult regardless of having behaved badly, it's entirely up to him if he goes to the other party. If your DM's birthday is spread over two days then he can surely also attend most of the celebrations?

melj1213 · 25/08/2017 22:13

What exactly do you all have planned for the evening? Unless there were specific events planned for the evening, why can't he duck out for a couple of hours to see his friends?

I love my family dearly but after a few hours together at family events we all tend to split off into little groups anyway - based on ages/interests - so nobody would miss one person popping out to another event for a couple of hours.

oslolou · 25/08/2017 23:18

So many apologists for men on here it's ridiculous

ChinkChink · 25/08/2017 23:35

As others have said, it's not up to you to 'let' him go or not.

I do think it would be rude of him not to attend your Mum's party. I can think of many events of this nature that I've attended that I'd rather have not. Most of us have had to suck up that sort of thing because that's what decent people do when you've made a choice to be in a committed relationship.

Imagine you somehow force him to go though when he clearly wants to be elsewhere. That's going to be pleasant isn't it? You'll know he's only there because you made him go.

I'd leave it to him to decide. And the decision he makes will tell you a lot about the respect or lack of he has for your relationship and your family.

Then LTB.

MistressDeeCee · 26/08/2017 03:58

So many apologists for men on here it's ridiculous

* Oh please. Not everything is about man vs woman war. Its common sense

If a woman wanted to go to a good friend's party but had a meal (which she could attend for 3 hours before going to friend's party) + a next day event to attend with her DH's family which she would be at for several hours, then yes I'd give same advice. Go to friend's do, why not?

The DH isn't going to be absent from whole proceedings, just some. Its an almost 48 hour party fgs.. I like OH's parents and extended family but no way would I want to spend all that time with them. A good night out with mates in between would do me fine before continuing proceedings next day

Im not a believer that couples have to be welded at the hip, together at all events. Nor that a partner has the right to decide whether s/he "lets" her partner go out or not?! In this case the DH can do both he attending the family event also so no I don't see any issue

OP I do understand how you feel re the emotional affair but hopefully your DH has the sense not to get silly about seeing said woman again..& if they were going to get up to anything they could do that anyway via other means of contact couldn't they. & could bump into each other elsewhere also if she's in your and/or his friends circle. But as said hopefuly he has sense and wouldn't entertain that idea

MumBod · 26/08/2017 05:17

He should stay with his family at the family party. Looking after two excited kids at a party is knackering and much easier in a tag team.

He's desperate to go to the party because that woman might be there. Sorry.

It sounds like he's done a right number on you. Don't accept blame for the state of your relationship leading to his affair. Accept joint responsibility for your relationship doing what most relationships do when a couple of kids are thrown into the mix - change and suffer a bit. Then you adapt and pull together.

Pull together - like, not leaving your DP alone with two kids at a party while you go off chasing other women.

Sorrry, OP - I wouldn't marry this man. He's not your friend.

Gezzagirl · 26/08/2017 05:28

What a selfish idiot! I wouldn't be happy at all, I can't believe he thinks it's ok, hopefully he'll change his mind

Evelynismyspyname · 26/08/2017 08:36

oslolou there are no apologists for men on this thread! Some people are saying the OP's "D"P should be made to attend the whole weekend long party, others are saying that they (as women, presumably) would hate to be told that their husband or partner "expected" them to attend every moment of a 48 hour birthday party, and would welcome the chance for a breather for a couple of hours if a friend of theirs was having a party locally.

Every poster has condemned the emotional affair.

Comments on not being "expected" to be present for every single minute of a full weekend party are made regardless of biological sex.

If my own mother threw herself a 48 hour party I would be very if she expected me to be fully focussed on her and present for every single second of it. I would expect to be present for the meals, but if a meal was scheduled for 3pm and a picnic for the next day I'd be there for the meal for however long it went on (assuming not more than 3 hours as there will be young children present) and for the picnic, but would want a bit of time to myself (or with my kids but not full on partying) in the evening.

The idea of being required and expected to party for 48 hours is hideous.

MumBod · 26/08/2017 09:14

But Evelyn, if it's shit, then it's shit for OP too.

It's a partnership. You don't leave your OH with your kids so you can go do your own thing at a party with someone you fancy

Sometimes you suck family stuff up together. Ease the load. Make it more fun for each other by being there. All that good stuff. Surely that's the whole point?

MumBod · 26/08/2017 09:16

Not that I'm saying the OP thinks her mum's celebration will be shit - but it's a weekend away as a family. Not that unheard of.

Aria2015 · 26/08/2017 09:33

YANBU - he can't ditch your dms party because he received a better invitation. My mother taught me that rule when I was about 8!

I agree that when you are in a Relationship you make an effort with each others families. You don't always want to but you do it because it's the nice thing to do for your partner and it makes them happy.

Slarti · 26/08/2017 09:52

You sound controlling OP. He isn't given the opportunity to accept or decline your DM's invite, you decide on his behalf. He's not allowed to leave for a few hours, you make that choice for him. If he were to leave it would only be if you"allow" it. Not to excuse the "emotional affair" but perhaps there's two sides to that story?

pigsDOfly · 26/08/2017 10:03

Tbh a 48 hour family birthday party sounds like hell on earth to me.

Couldn't you both pop out for a few hours to friend's party. Might be a nice opportunity for you to have an evening together.

Evelynismyspyname · 26/08/2017 10:04

MumBod its not really a "weekend away as a family" though is it - more of a royal command performance. The OP says her mum asked her when they were free, the OP told her mum, her mum booked it, and the DP at that point was sent a FB invitation. Its pretty clear that he was expected to accept that invitation. If it were a weekend away as a family both adults would have been involved in planning it, and it would not have been with extended family with whom one of the adults has a difficult relationship! To present it as a weekend away as a family is disingenuous.

I agree I wouldn't want to be "expected" to be present full on if I were the OP either - I did suggest she offer to go with her DP to the house-warming (that way she'd see his true colours - he should be thrilled! As its family friendly the kids could go too. Obviously if he'd rather go alone he should be told not to come back as he clearly has ill intent).

I don't think the man in this situation sounds like a keeper, but I also don't think being "expected" to attend every minute of a 48 hour birthday party is pleasant. If the party were one evening, one meal, one picnic then of course it takes priority. This party is two meals (which the "D"P should attend) but apparently there is no option of doing your own thing even for a few hours when nothing is scheduled - that is too intense.

If I were the OP I'd want some time to myself or just with my nuclear family, rather than being expected to be with extended family non stop for 48 hours too, even if just to go for a walk or read a book or MN she'd be reasonable to want that but hasn't mentioned it.

notanotherNC · 26/08/2017 10:09

YABU. They are your family not his! Other people's families are dull!!! If this was me, there is no way I would miss a good night so I could spend the evening in a hosue crammed with all my inlaws. It sounds like hell.

Manclife · 26/08/2017 10:14

@oslolou So many apologists for men on here it's ridiculous.

Hmm....so far on this a female has stated they're stopping a guy going out and another has suggested locking him in the house. Feel free to challenge the controlling behaviour an perhaps I'll start criticising the guy.

To the OP I'm guessing it was a poorly worded topic heading and you just don't want him to go rather than you're stopping him. If not then perhaps that's the type of behaviour that has made him look elsewhere.

NormaSmuff · 26/08/2017 10:18

i would suggest, unless I am too late to this thread, that he asks your DM if it is ok.
I think it is ok, as long as he doesnt go out for too long

harshbuttrue1980 · 26/08/2017 10:24

YABU to tell a grown adult that he can't go out. If a man tried to restrict my movements he'd be out the door.

Gezzagirl · 26/08/2017 14:15

I think it's ridiculous people are calling you controlling, I think it's pretty obvious he's expected to be there for the weekend, unless the other thing was particularly important which it's not. So he's allowed to do what he wants otherwise she's controlling. How strange people are

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