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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not let dp go out...

82 replies

muddylettuce · 25/08/2017 18:18

It's my mother's 60th birthday celebration this weekend, she has booked a house that sleeps 10 so all her children, plus partners and grandchildren can stay together. There is a meal booked Saturday at 3pm and a big picnic the next day. Dp has been invited to a party by a friend Saturday night from 6pm. He thinks I am being unreasonable in saying he can't go, says no one will miss him for a few hours and we live locally so physically he can do both. I think he is being unreasonable for thinking it's ok to leave my mother's bash! She's paid a lot of money so everyone can stay under one roof, it's obviously important to her we're all there.

OP posts:

peekyboo · 25/08/2017 18:44

If the relationship is already difficult then he probably wasn't too keen on going to the birthday bash anyway. His friend's invitation must have seemed like a good way to break up his attendance at your mother's party.

I suppose he had no choice, originally, whether or not to come to your mother's event?

Original poster

muddylettuce · 25/08/2017 18:52

No, he didn't have much choice. I expect him to be there as my fiancé because he is a part of my family. I have spent plenty of Christmases and New Year's and other celebrations with his family even though I haven't always particularly wanted to. The relationship has been difficult recently because he had an emotional affair, I guess, with a colleague. They spoke about having a physical affair. She might be at this friend's party, he says not but she was invited. He says he is no longer interested in her and has been investing more in our relationship, as have I but don't trust him 100% yet. I don't know if that is influencing how I feel about him ducking out of my mum's party. To be honest I just want him to prioritise me and my family over his friends and to understand how rude it is! It's like talking to a brick wall.

OP posts:

pigsDOfly · 25/08/2017 18:55

Speaking as a sort of MIL (adult DCs all in relationships, one about to get married) it actually wouldn't bother me if my SIL or DIL did this for part of the evening and came back, but I'm a very laid back type. However, if they came back drunk and incapable I would be very put out.

I think it very much depends how much it means to MIL and how formal her party is and given that she's been planning it for a year I imagine it's very important and suspect she wouldn't be pleased if he were to pop out for a few hours. In that case he definitely should tell his friend he's already busy that evening.

Evelynismyspyname · 25/08/2017 18:55

Hmmm

The meal is booked for 3pm, and as children are attending it won't still be going on at 6pm.

There is another full day of celebrations the next day.

That's quite some dedicated celebration for a 60th birthday - is there any special reason she needs a whole weekend of being the centre of 10 people's undivided attention?

What exactly will be be missing by going to a local housewarming at 6pm?

The relationship between him and your mother is difficult, so perhaps everyone will benefit from a few hours pause in the enforced togetherness.

Can you trust him not to disturb the whole house including you and the kids and not be too intoxicated when he returns, would be my only question. If he can be trusted to return not too late, not drunk, without disturbing anyone I can't see why he shouldn't go tbh.

A full weekend with somebody with whom you have a difficult relationship is a big ask, and he'll be there for the actual celebration meals (plural!)

Does everyone in your family get a full weekend of being centre of the world for birthdays ending in a 0?

happypoobum · 25/08/2017 18:55

Have you posted about this before? It sounds very familiar....

luckylucky24 · 25/08/2017 18:56

If he wanted to work on your relationship he would attend your mums party like he already agreed! His mate party isn't even an important event or birthday etc.

Evelynismyspyname · 25/08/2017 18:58

Sorry - missed your emotional affair update.

The emotional affair makes him an arsehole, but doesn't mean expecting the undivided attention of your extended family for 48 hours is normal just to celebrate a birthday - one meal/ one evening is normal! If a birthday party goes on for two full days people get to take a breather for a few hours here and there!

pigsDOfly · 25/08/2017 19:02

In view of your update OP, he clearly needs to put in a good deal of effort to show you he's with you. Leaving you alone at your DM's party is absolutely not on.

Evelynismyspyname · 25/08/2017 19:03

Perhaps LTB was appropriate after all Puppy - it doesn't sound like a happy relationship.

Are you clinging a bit precisely because you don't trust him? Perhaps you'd better not marry one another...

Allthelightsgoout · 25/08/2017 19:11

I don't think you 'let' another adult go out or not.

And I would always object to someone expecting me to attend an event because it's what they want.

If I don't want to go, I don't go. If I'm asked and it's explained that it's really important to the other person because of x, y or z then I'd probably go. But not because it's just what the other person expects nor would I need permission from them to go out or not.

Aquamarine1029 · 25/08/2017 19:15

In all honestly, I would seriously reconsider marrying this man of I were you. Some might say it's not THAT big a deal, but I disagree. It shows a profound lack of respect for you, never mind your mother. This is your mother's 60th birthday celebration, your whole family will be there, and he thinks it's just fine for him to waltz out to some stupid house party because that's what HE wants to do. He can't think of you and your feelings at all? Does he even really care about your feelings? If he goes, this does not bode well for your future.

Neutrogena · 25/08/2017 19:17

He's a grown man. Let him make the decision. There is no right or wrong here OP. Just difference of opinion

RadioGaGoo · 25/08/2017 19:23

If someone wants to spend two days celebrating their birthday, what is the actual problem with that?

ItsNotLit · 25/08/2017 19:24

If this was me it wouldn't bother me at all and if your Mum was my Mum it wouldn't bother her at all either.

There will be lots of people at the Mums party so will anyone really mind if the OPs partner nips off in the evening. If the meal is at 3pm on the Saturday then he will have loads of time to socialise.

OP, will your mother be offended if he doesn't go? Might she not mind as she has you and the kids there?

The other stuff emotional affairs etc is obviously not ok but I don't think forbidding him to go out is going to help.

ItsNotLit · 25/08/2017 19:25

Leaving you alone at your DM's party is absolutely not on.

She won't be alone she will be with all the rest of her family. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Sirzy · 25/08/2017 19:25

No problem with wanting a 2 day celebration.

Problem with expecting everyone to happily want to spend the whole time there!

TBH even the thought of 48 hours with my own family with no break would fill me with dread! I would need to escape for a few hours for my own sanity!

Evelynismyspyname · 25/08/2017 19:26

What would he say if you suggested going together to the house-warming?

His response would tell you all you need to know.

The update about the emotional affair shows he is an arse, but I would hate to be told by my DH that he "expected" me to spend 48 hours unrelentingly celebrating the birthday of a member of his family, without being allowed out for a few hours even when there was no clash with an actual meal or event.

If he's thrilled that you'd come with him then there is no agenda, he just wants a break from 48 solid hours of MIL worship (honestly who throws themself a 48 hour birthday party which even non blood relatives aren't allowed to miss non-main bits of?).

If he doesn't want you to come with then tell him to go and not come back.

mrsRosaPimento · 25/08/2017 19:26

He's not booked for your mum in the evening. Although he might be hungover for the picnic on the Sunday.

mrsRosaPimento · 25/08/2017 19:30

Just read the update. He sounds like a massive tool. Why are you with him when he's after another woman! ? He clearly isn't trying to prioritise you as he wants to go to the party. He should have known better, and stuck with you.

Original poster

muddylettuce · 25/08/2017 19:40

I mentioned the relationship because I am sure it's clouding my judgement. He told me he was having feelings for someone else before it got too far. The reason for this is he knew it was because we were growing apart, not spending enough time together, not being affectionate enough etc. All the things new parents are guilty of doing. He had his head turned by someone else mainly I think because he felt flattered with the attention. We've been through it, we love each other, I know I am partly to blame for the state of the relationship (NOT the emotional affair). He deleted her from social media and WhatsApp. It's done. Like I said, probably one for the relationships thread! That's not to say I wasn't crushed and I don't have trust issues. He is usually respectful, caring, loving, gentle, funny etc. However he does not like being told what to do. This is perhaps where the issue lies. I want him to prioritise my family because in doing so means he prioritises me. So I haven't budged on this at all and is perhaps just a red flag to a bull for him.

OP posts:

HeadSpin5 · 25/08/2017 19:40

Emotional affair aside, I don't think he's being unreasonable wanting to duck out for a few hours. A 48-hour party, where attendance is compulsory at all times, is a lot to ask. I wouldn't want to do that either for my own DM or MIL (or for myself!)

HeadSpin5 · 25/08/2017 19:43

Crossed, sorry. This is clearly (understandably) a line in the sand for you. But making him do this doesn't reinforce his commitment to you, if he doesn't want to be there. It'll just piss him off being ordered/told what to do. Clash with your mum's 60th evening party? He sucks it up. Disappear from a local, 2 day (OTT IMO) party for a few hours? Not a problem.

MistressDeeCee · 25/08/2017 19:46

The meal is booked at 3pm the party's not till 6pm. Thats THREE HOURS he can spend at the meal - what are you all going to do, eat the table & chairs as well as the food?! Is it an all evening meal? How long/how much are you all going to eat fgs? The mind boggles

He'll be at the picnic next day wont he so technically he will be spending hours..and hours..and hours in the company of your family. Why isn't that enough?

Failing that - don't "Let" him go out - LOCK HIM UP

Bluntness100 · 25/08/2017 20:01

Hmmmm. The meals at three. The picnic is the next day, even if he went to the party at about seven or eight I'm not sure I see the issue here, sorry op, I also think he can do both.

Original poster

muddylettuce · 25/08/2017 20:11

I have said go if he wants. I have told him why it would mean a lot to me if he stayed and also why I don't want him to go. It's up to him now. Sigh. Although I am secretly pissed off he gets to go out and I am left with the responsibility of the children. Might make him take one (it's a family friendly do) but none of them will want to leave Nana's party I shouldn't think.

OP posts:

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