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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My inlaws are racist towards me

47 replies

WomanEmpire · 25/08/2017 12:09

Nothing new, always have been but I chose to be with their son regardless as he is obviously isn't, and openly disagrees with their views. He has not spoken to his dad in years because of it. I have never met his dad or entered their house - this is fine by me, I don't need them as I have my (supportive) family, who have also supported DP in some very challenging times.
When our second son was born (nearly a year ago) MIL decided she wanted in, and wasn't going to follow the family's 'principles', she came and stayed for a few days she was a pain in the arse but it finally started to feel like things might be going in the right direction.
We allowed the DC to visit MIL when FIL was not there and they had a great time, DP is obviously very excited that his family might be learning.
Fast forward to yesterday, wedding invites have been sent out. MIL phones me saying that she will not be attending as FIL will not allow DP's youngest siblings to attend as they do not want them influenced by a 'mixed heritage relationship' and 'their principles still stand' and that they had decided they didn't want their 2 youngest children to come into contact with me or my family as they may 'also be swayed' like DP.
I told her that it's tragic that they can't put aside their prejudices for their son and grandchildren but that is their choice, however they would not be in contact with my children any longer as my children are mixed race and I do not want them exposed to such racism (whether mixed race or not)
So now, my children have no grandparents on that side and won't be seeing their DU's for a long time and NONE of DP's family are coming to our wedding. His elder sister is financially dependent on FIL so she is not coming incase he cuts her off (he's done it before)
I know it's not my fault it's theirs but I feel so guilty. Sad
DP is positive that he wants the day to go ahead and that is it their loss but he is obviously very sad too. Was I right to cut their contact with the DC?

OP posts:
MissionItsPossible · 25/08/2017 12:12

Of course you were right. Look ahead and move on. Next time MIL (or FIL) has a "change of heart" and "sees the light" tell them to do one.

SparklyLeprechaun · 25/08/2017 12:15

Shock What century do your in-laws live in? Yanbu at all.

PinkHeart5911 · 25/08/2017 12:15

I think if in laws have a problem with people of mixed race then to protect the dc you had too really they left you with no choice.

Your dp must feel it, and it must be tough for him. Obviously you want your family but his probably ashamed of them at the same time. Your day will still go ahead and you will have a lovely wedding and many happy years together.

Sadly this sort of thing isn't uncommon, A good friend of mine is white, her dh black and her family haven't spoken to her for 6 years now. It's rubbish that even in 2017 some people still judge others based on something they have no control over, none of us choose the colour of our skin.

kissmethere · 25/08/2017 12:19

That's really awful OP. There are people like them every where and there's not a lot you can do about changing them. I don't really know what to advise. It's sad and now a family occasion has had brought up another opportunity for them to air their racism towards you.
You haven't done anything wrong have you?

Original poster
WomanEmpire · 25/08/2017 12:21

kissmethere no I have done nothing wrong and I have been so lenient with MIL because I do not believe she holds these values, FIL is an emotionally abusive man and sadly she doesn't see a way out.
I can't bend over backwards any more for her though, I understand she is grieving essentially for the loss of DP but it is self inflicted and as much as I love DP i would never choose him over my own children's happiness

OP posts:
gandalfspants · 25/08/2017 12:22

YANBU

Sorry they are so awful Flowers.

I think it's much more damaging to have children around those views than to have a smaller extended family.

My parents are in the 'I'm not racist but...' camp, and were told in no uncertain terms that they would be asked to leave my wedding if they aired any -phobic views of any kind (DH and I are both white and are an opposite sex couple, but many of our guests were not).

They'll be pulled up if they air their views around DD, every time. If they were openly as bigoted as your inlaws sound I think I'd be NC, and I'm not 'personally' affected by it (if you see what I mean).

TakeMe2Insanity · 25/08/2017 12:26

Of course you are right. You must not feel guilty. This is not for you to feel guilty about. This is their problem. Their loss. When your DC are old enough you can explain.

My MIL is a 'reformed' racist. There is no way on earth our DS would have any time with my inlaws if I felt she was still like that.

PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 25/08/2017 12:26

Of course you were right. Imagine the self hatred that your DCs could develop because of their mixed race and them believing they are less important due to it.
Horrible that this thing happens in 2017 and it really annoys me.
Your 'in laws' seem poisonous and that will only spread if allowed. By not allowing contact you are protecting your children from this negativity that should not be tolerated.

Your wedding will be better because people who love and support you

TakeMe2Insanity · 25/08/2017 12:27

I should also add I am not white, DH is and our child is mixed.

MissionItsPossible · 25/08/2017 12:30

I understand she is grieving essentially for the loss of DP

I thought grief was the loss of someone or something, not when you purposely cut something our of your life because of outdated, bigoted views. Your tone comes across much more sympathetic towards her than I feel right now.

Chillyegg · 25/08/2017 12:31

Your in laws are sick dickheads !!
In a way I feel sorry for them all except your fil as they all sound like they are terrified and bullied by him. Your fil sounds like a prize turd 💩

Jaxhog · 25/08/2017 12:39

How horrible for you both. I actually feel particularly sad for your DP, as he's lost his whole natural family through their bigotry.

This isn't your fault, but you are doing the right thing for your DCs.

tinypop4 · 25/08/2017 12:40

Your in-laws are appalling, I'm sorry that you have to experience racism from your DPs family. It would be very dangerous for the mind-set and self-confidence of your DC if you allow further contact you YANBU at all to do what you have done. Don't go back on it or doubt yourself.
Hope you have a wonderful wedding

BoudicaBattleaxe · 25/08/2017 12:41

Of course you aren't wrong to cut contact. What odious toxic people. In 2017 I'm genuinely astonished that people of this backward thinking still exist.

It sounds like not all of them are of your FILs thinking but he's a controlling arsehole who has everyone under his thumb. But if they refuse to break away from his control and enable his racism then what more can you do? There's absolutely nothing for you to feel guilty about.

Your children, as you say, are far better off not being exposed to such bigoted attitudes. I can't get over shunning your own grandchildren simply because of a different heritage. It's appalling.

Your DP is quite right - it IS most definitely their loss. You should have your wedding day and bloody well enjoy it. It will be a much nicer day without this lot present anyway.

kissmethere · 25/08/2017 12:41

Sorry that sounded like I was asking you if you'd done anything wrong. It was a statement, shouldn't have added the ?

LittleScaredyCat · 25/08/2017 12:42

Ugh unfortunately this isn't as rare as people think. And it is not just white people who are the racist ones as people may assume.

GodIsDead · 25/08/2017 12:44

Shock OP you have nothing to feel guilty for. His family is vile and your kids are best off not knowing them. I'm sorry you are experiencing such horrible treatment. Flowers

Decaffstilltastesweird · 25/08/2017 12:44

Ywnbu. You have done absolutely the right thing imo.

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding. I hope you have a lovely, (racist free), wedding day!

jenm87 · 25/08/2017 12:45

if i was in your situation i wouldnt bother with them anymore as long as your kids are happy then thats all that matters, me and partner have not spoke to his mum in 6 years and there has been no love lost (long story), my daughter has everything she ever needs and all the love in the world from my family. i think its disgusting people can be racist. you were right to cut contact as if they cant accept you they will not accept the children and you cant be racist to one person and not the other if that makes sense. i personally have nothing against anyone of any skin colour or religion etc and if my daughter wanted to marry someone she loves i have no problem as long as she is treated properly, go and enjoy your wedding and live your happy ever after without them

emmyrose2000 · 25/08/2017 12:46

YANBU

MIL doesn't deserve any sympathy or second chances. She's making a conscious choice, whether that's because she's a straight out racist, or she's too gutless to stand up to FIL, and so she has to live with those choices and the consequences they bring.

Original poster
WomanEmpire · 25/08/2017 12:47

scaredy cat I purposefully left out my race as I didn't want to make it about what races we are but yes, in this case I am white. DP and his family are black carribean.
This is why the issue is so difficult, because I cannot comprehend the anger they feel towards me as it is obviously because of the awful history of how slaves and black people were treated and continue to be treated today.
My children will ALWAYS be educated on these topics as I hope any child would be, but honestly I can't live my life in guilt because of it. I am not like this, and nor are any of my family (thank goodness)

OP posts:
QueenOfVipers · 25/08/2017 12:47

Unfortunately my mum is also like this.
She's quite openly said that if I ever brought back a black man (or a woman of any colour) she would disown me and she did disown my sister for marrying a black man. Sad horrible attitudes

QueenOfVipers · 25/08/2017 12:48

No advice but you have my sympathy

Whatsername17 · 25/08/2017 12:49

It is hard to believe that people like this still exist. I really sorry op but you have done the right thing.

chowmeinchick · 25/08/2017 12:50

Your in laws are horrible. Of corse you did the right thing by cutting them off, I would have done exactly the same. Your children are better off not being around them. How some people still think people are different just because of colour is beyond me.