My inlaws are racist towards me

[WomanEmpire]

Nothing new, always have been but I chose to be with their son regardless as he is obviously isn't, and openly disagrees with their views. He has not spoken to his dad in years because of it. I have never met his dad or entered their house - this is fine by me, I don't need them as I have my (supportive) family, who have also supported DP in some very challenging times.
When our second son was born (nearly a year ago) MIL decided she wanted in, and wasn't going to follow the family's 'principles', she came and stayed for a few days she was a pain in the arse but it finally started to feel like things might be going in the right direction.
We allowed the DC to visit MIL when FIL was not there and they had a great time, DP is obviously very excited that his family might be learning.
Fast forward to yesterday, wedding invites have been sent out. MIL phones me saying that she will not be attending as FIL will not allow DP's youngest siblings to attend as they do not want them influenced by a 'mixed heritage relationship' and 'their principles still stand' and that they had decided they didn't want their 2 youngest children to come into contact with me or my family as they may 'also be swayed' like DP.
I told her that it's tragic that they can't put aside their prejudices for their son and grandchildren but that is their choice, however they would not be in contact with my children any longer as my children are mixed race and I do not want them exposed to such racism (whether mixed race or not)
So now, my children have no grandparents on that side and won't be seeing their DU's for a long time and NONE of DP's family are coming to our wedding. His elder sister is financially dependent on FIL so she is not coming incase he cuts her off (he's done it before)
I know it's not my fault it's theirs but I feel so guilty.
DP is positive that he wants the day to go ahead and that is it their loss but he is obviously very sad too. Was I right to cut their contact with the DC?

You've been patient enough. MIL and SIL may choose to be bullied and controlled, but that's their choice and not yours.

You've set the best example for DC you can. You can spill the truth to DC when they are mature enough to understand it is nothing to do with them. It might be after their GP's funerals, but presumably their "principles" would not accomodate DC's presence there anyway.

YANBU.

If I was in your situation there is absolutely no way on earth I would let my in-laws anywhere near my mixed race children. With their vile attitudes towards you, your family and your relationship they are, by extension, expressing hatred of your DCs' very existence and they shouldn't be allowed access to them IMO.

What a horrible and deeply hurtful situation for you to be in. You have been incredibly dignified and accommodating in response to appalling treatment. You and your DP sound really lovely and I hope you have a truly lovely wedding.

It's so so sad and bizarre.

I remember walking a very lost American couple to the Famine Memorial by the Quays in Dublin. They heard my English accent and were polite enough till we got there. Then they laid into me about "this is what your people did to my people." Fucking idiots. Why carry round hate from generations ago? That's not denial, its choosing a peaceful view.

Im totally disgusted by thier views, and you have every right to not let your children be apart of people that hold such views.
You dh parents should be happy that he has found a partner that he loves and now have a lovely family, that is all that matters.

This is really sad! I'm sorry to hear this. Don't feel guilty! You are doing the right thing. FIL sounds like an arse.

Was I right to cut their contact with the DC?

Yes and no.
I don't blame you for cutting contact but I think that they need to hear it from DP. They need to know it's his decision too.

Nothing to add, but I'm really sorry you've had to deal with this.

OP there are so many subtle ways in which your MIL could harm your DC's because of their dual heritage if they have contact with her. As they grew older they would also question why they never saw grandfather.
Sometimes, sadly one has to cut off toxic relationships. (It will be extremely ironic if DH's younger siblings choose partners of another race despite PIL's campaign of hate and maybe then there will be a change of heart.
Good luck for a wonderful wedding and future

What a horrible situation. I'm sorry that people still think that way. I just wish I knew what to say to make you feel better about it all!!! I wouldn't want my kids subjected to that shit either.

It sounds as if FIL pulls all the strings i that family. Perhaps you could order MIL a copy of Why does he do that and have it delivered to their address.

Nothing of much use to you, but my SIL is mixed race and got the "I'm not racist but..." from my parents. Similar prejudices for other members of the family who are from minorities who gave come into my white family. And I really don't get it.

so has your MIL decided not to come or is she just not allowed to? because I think that would make a difference if I was in your shoes...

Their justified anger about the atrocities of the past doesn't give them the right to take it out on you personally - you can't change the things that were done decades or centuries ago, many on another continent, by other people who just so happened to share a skin tone with you.

I think it's natural to be a little apprehensive about your child marrying someone of a different background, whether it's because they're from another country or have a different religion or social class or whatever. There's a good chance that it will at some point throw up practical questions or issues about whether you'll see eye to eye on certain norms. But there's a huge difference between being having a few quiet concerns about how easy your child's life is going to be and totally refusing to accept someone whom they love and want to bring into the family, purely based on their background or identity.

It's sad, but your children will be far from the only ones who rarely see part of their extended family, and it hasn't caused any major issues in anyone I know. And your soon-to-be husband sounds like a wonderful dad, standing up for you and your kids even though it means not having his parents and siblings at his wedding. There's a good chance your children will be better off without having people in their lives who are prejudiced against you and them, rather than forcing the contact because they happen to be related.

I'm not excusing your in-laws' behaviour but it is very very difficult for white people - especially British white people - to understand the long history of discrimination and persecution inflicted on black Caribbean people.

I think all you can do is detach. It's so sad to be honest but you've done nothing wrong. You can't change your FIL's views but I think you're right that you have to protect your children from their views.

AS someone in a mixed race/religion/nationality relationship
I say FUCK 'EM

They are the ones losing out, they could have a caring DIL and GC's, but they are letting their prejudices get in the way of that.

We both thought that 'FIL' was the driving force against our relationship; we found out when he died it was 'MIL'.

DP has limited contact with her (still a wee bit of FOG there); she now knows if she says anything about me/my family/ any racist comment at all he will walk out/hang up and will not interact till there is an apology to both of us.
She used to try the 'I'm sorry if you took what I said to be racist' crap apology; soon found out it didn't work.

She also had a strong financial hold on his sibling and some of the extended family, however as time has gone on that hold has loosened, and the Sibs have gone out to the Big Bad World and realised that maybe she is wrong (sadly not all of them but most).

One by one they wanted to meet this evil bitch who stole their brother/cousin/uncle, and we're pretty close with some of them now, friendly with others but that's personalities rather than anything else.

Now that she doesn't have the hold anymore; and been generally abusive she's 'fallen out' with so many people.

One of his siblings said that watching DP deal with her gave them the courage to stand up to her, that if DP could just go no thats unacceptable and walk off and the sky didn't fall in why couldn't they??

What I'm saying is just love your family; carry on as planned to educate about your history, some of them may come around some won't, still their loss

And & for you wedding

Are there any Caribbean people of pure African descent? Aren't nearly all Caribbean people mixed?

I'm so sorry to hear this. Your FIL sounds quite controlling. I think you are right to keep them away from your children at present, but (sorry if this is a dreadful thing to say) maybe when he has passed on you may be able to rebuild some sort of relationships with the others. It depends if they have the same views, or if they are just scared to break ranks.

This happended to my uncle. My aunt's dad would call his daughter a whore, shouting at her in the street. Wouldn't tell her when her mum was seriously ill. Made her leave home and my uncle's family had to take her in.

All I know is my uncle knew what love was and they loved eachother everyday for 40 years, until he died. In spite of everything her dad did.

During that time my uncle allowed him to visit the house so she could try to have a relationship. But then when they adopted a child from our family. My aunt's dad accused my uncle of abuse. And that was the last straw.

Don't allow that level of toxicity in your or your family's life. My uncle was decent and his FIL is not. We all miss him so much.

I’m in a mixed heritage marriage . On the surface my in laws seemed happy but now I’m married I get treated like a black sheep . There are double standards about the effort I put into their family compared to other family members .I heard them say racially discriminatory things about me after I got married , and they also take the piss out of my culture and traditions . The worst part is that I thought I had made it clear where I come from and who I am before we married and they seemed ok with it . But I think they just accepted me for their sons sake and deep down have a lot of resentment . They make me ashamed of my traditions and want me to be more like them

Oh and they take the piss out of my family and make stupid jokes about my family amongst their own extended family

I haven’t cut them off for my DH sake .

How disgusting. I wouldn't want myself or my children to have anything to do with racists.

They are not worthy of your thoughts