To have stopped contact with the dad. Long.

[OnlyGodKnowsWhy]

Back story: four children, divorced for 7 years. Ex had every weekend contact from Friday night to Monday morning and summer/Christmas holidays.

Ex assaulted two of my DC last year. Older DC told me and I reported to police. After six months of police and social work involvement, ex was convicted of assaulting one DC as a plea bargain.

Social work said I was a protecting factor for children so they were not put on at risk register and it was voluntary whether we worked with them or not. DC all still wanted to see their father and social work agreed so gradually contact was reintroduced.

Two weeks ago, my youngest DC whom is autistic, came back from contact upset. Youngest dc told me they didn't want to see their father anymore. I asked why and youngest DC told me they had been upset and sat on the floor in shopping centre, refusing to move. Youngest DC is 7 and does this when they are overwhelmed and close to meltdown. Ex tried to get DC moving but when they wouldn't, he picked DC up off the ground by the wrists and put DC over his shoulder. DC states their wrists and arms were sore and it hurt being put over the fathers shoulder.

I text ex regarding this and stated that neither the school nor myself have never had to resort to physically forcing DC to do anything, that it just distresses DC more and it wasn't acceptable to to handle DC like that. That DC needed to build trust in ex after assault and I would take steps to protect DC if ex cannot get help in learning how to handle DC.

Ex did not reply or try to get in touch for two weeks. Then yesterday called and asked for contact. On asking why he had not responded to text he stated he hadn't been happy with the text. I repeated that DC had asked not to see ex and that it wasn't acceptable. Ex insisted it was fine, not illegal, tried to say he picked up DC by his hands, that it hadn't hurt, that I was using the children against him and everything was my fault because I called the police when he first assaulted two of my DC. Then hung up.

As he won't accept he can't treat DC that way and I can't be sure DC will be safe, I have a residency order which ex did not contest and have made the hard decision to stop contact. This will upset the DC as regardless of what their father does, they love him anyways. I hate to upset them but I also can't have them being scared and hurt. AIBU?

This is tricky. I have certainly picked my own son up when he has refused to move - after a warning. I don't think that is an assault.

I understand your son didn't want to be touched but neither did mine!

I think you are blowing this out of proportion.

Can you elaborate further on the previous assault? Was it a smack? Was it an attack?

Just because it was not an assault, does not make it an okay way to parent a child who has autism!

I can kind of see both sides my ds is autistic too and today he kicked off in a public place all people could see was me and my dsis dragging him because he wouldn't walk my arms however are full of bruises were he repeatedly bit me

Previous assault: ex picked DC up by front of shirt. Yelled at DC then threw DC on floor with enough force that DC fell backward and hurt their head. DC crime was slamming a door.

Other DC was bouncing on a bed and older DC told ex. When ex went through autistic DC had got off the bed and when asked if dc had been jumping on it, lied and said they hadn't. Ex responded by smacking DC three times on the bottom so that DC was screaming.

Ex has also held DC forcibly against bathroom wall and forcibly brushed teeth. Smacked another DC three times on the bottom for refusing to bend over and let ex check if DC bottom was clean. DC is of an age to find that embarrassing.

Ex has also yelled at youngest autistic DC for wetting bed, so much so that when youngest DC wet the bed at my house, DC was terrified to tell me, ran and hid because DC thought they would be in trouble and slept in their own urine.

Youngest DC has a fear of males and yelling.

it sounds like you're looking for reasons to keep them apart.

"picked up by the wrists"? What's wrong with that?

It sounds to me like your ex is a cunt and a shit parent.

I'd like to add that I feel this method of dealing with DC refusing to walk is not acceptable because DC has been assaulted by ex before so would be terrified to be picked up in that manner after the last time. DC needs to trust that ex will not get physical with DC again. I also don't think picking up a heavy DC by the wrists when ex is over six foot all the way over the shoulder is acceptable either. It would have been painful.

I don't think you needed to add anything. You clearly disagree with everything he does.

The sad fact is that the children will suffer.

I think you are absolutely right to protect your children from this bully.

Could you use a contact centre or have supervised visits somehow. That way they are safe.

Yeah, why do you disagree with him assaulting your DCs to the extent that he was convicted of assault?

Contact centre only?

I guess that's why I'm asking if I'm being unreasonable. My ex hurt my children. It's hard to separate my personal feelings regarding his behaviour from what's the best way forward for everyone. I don't trust him and I worry about the children when they are with him. One of my DC was sexually assaulted by an older DC whilst in ex care. When DC told me and I reported it, there was a year long investigation and court case. Ex opinion on the matter was it was DC first sexual experience, they were just playing doctors and nurses and if it was so bad, why did it happen more than once. I know this as it was in my DC children report from social work.

So yes it's safe to say I despise the man and I need to try and work out what is the right thing to fix rather than fire from my heart. I hope that makes sense.

Hmmm. Not sure about this. If picking up a child who refused to move was enough reason to stop contact, it would be a long time since I'd seen DS. Who would be in care, come to that, because on those grounds his dad wouldn't be allowed contact either. From what you describe it sounds as though you have very different approaches to parenting, but I'm not sure that it's enough to completely end your children's relationship with their father.

Is contact centre a possibility?
Or instead of overnights just a few hours in a park/supervised?
Or indirect contact like letters,emails etc?
What does your child want? Of they still want a relationship with dad there are some avenues that can be explored. Are SS still involved? Could you give them a call and see what they advise?

He sounds vile. No child of mind would ever be put through that. YANBU!

Since when is a conviction of assault of a child different parenting styles?

No overnight stays have happened yet. Four to five hours contact had been worked up to. One day a week. Contact centre could be a possibility, social work not involved but I have tried to contact them for advice. However social worker that dealt with us has gone on leave and I've been waiting on a call back for a few days now.

Just to say, I meant the smacking and emotional abuse, not the lifting a child who didn't want to move. I lift DD up when she doesn't want to move and I've tried everything else.

How does DC feel now that a few weeks have passed?

Different approaches to parenting my arse. Ones an abuser one isn't ffs.

Posters saying that op seems to just want to keep them apart. Er yeah because he's a nasty abusive scumbag who hopefully gets what he deserves one day.

He Is horrible op. I would do everything in my power to keep him away.

None of the DC have asked to see him. They will though. Despite his treatment, they do love him.

I'm so worn out with having to pick up the pieces of his behaviour and the effect it has had on my children. It's been three years really of police and interviews and statements, social work, counselling for children professionally, personally trying to help them through their emotional upsets at home. I'm their mother and it hurts me when I see them suffering because of him. It will also hurt me to be the one responsible for stopping contact with ex when I know they love him, I just don't want any more damage done to them. They flourished in the six months they didn't see him whilst the court case was underway. The judge put special bail conditions that he couldn't go near any of the DC and they came on so much. One DC is now a head child at school, other a house captain. Youngest autistic DC went from being almost silent to non stop talking and coming out with their own little personality. Middle DC developed some anxiety symptoms but we worked through them.

I just don't want them to have any more pain.

Sorry, I realise that's a lot of drip feed, just would have been a mega post to have had all in one.

I just don't want them to have any more pain.

Then you have your answer.

After reading they developed hugely during the six months of no contact I would only offer supervised contact.

I do not think the handling was an assault of sorts but due to his history you are all very sensitive to this type of behaviour.

I'm curious - You have four dc - many children to have with someone who is so despicable?