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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this was a dick-ish thing to say?

67 replies

chancerprancer · 24/08/2017 19:50

DH related to me how in a business meeting he described a particular niche market in a particular city as "like a women's toilet" he meant as in "everyone knows everything" and people gossip etc.
He was quite pleased with himself.

I was a bit Hmm
I asked if there were any women present in the meeting (there weren't) and suggested this was a weird thing to say, a bit sexist and how would he know what ladies toilets are like anyway.

It's stuck with me and is really irritating me. He has form for saying stupid things, as our marriage goes on I'm finding myself less tolerant of this.
English is his second language but he's been here nearly 20 years and I'm not sure that's an excuse here
AIBU?

OP posts:
IClavdivs · 25/08/2017 08:21

I agree with RebornSlippy - when I used to go on girls' night out/couples nights the women's toilets were always the place where you got the latest gossip, updates, interesting information, especially after a few drinks. I can remember virtually being dragged into a women's room to receive some choice tidbit. It was a bit like Danny DeVito in "LA Confidential" -all the tittle tattle from Tinsel Town, except we don't even live in the USA. I know my husband could often hardly wait to get in the car to hear the latest gossip.

Additionally, some men seemed to think that women's toilets in "naice" establishments were havens of gilded luxury, with fainting couches, flacons of expensive perfumes to sample, etc (wish they were!).

IClavdivs · 25/08/2017 08:21

I agree with RebornSlippy - when I used to go on girls' night out/couples nights the women's toilets were always the place where you got the latest gossip, updates, interesting information, especially after a few drinks. I can remember virtually being dragged into a women's room to receive some choice tidbit. It was a bit like Danny DeVito in "LA Confidential" -all the tittle tattle from Tinsel Town, except we don't even live in the USA. I know my husband could often hardly wait to get in the car to hear the latest gossip.

Additionally, some men seemed to think that women's toilets in "naice" establishments were havens of gilded luxury, with fainting couches, flacons of expensive perfumes to sample, etc (wish they were!).

pigeondujour · 25/08/2017 08:21

I'd challenge that straight away if I heard someone say it at work.

DamnDeDoubtanceIsSpartacus · 25/08/2017 08:28

high that would suggest that sex is something he likes and op doesn't though? Having sex is mutual, not a way of rewarding or punishing males.

Pick him up on every inappropriate comment. If he listens he will learn and change.

Branleuse · 25/08/2017 08:31

Sounds pretty lighthearted

highinthesky · 25/08/2017 08:36

Damn who wants to be violated by someone that has no sense of equality? I bet the OP can resist longer than her DH can.

Make him beg like a dog Grin

Hullygully · 25/08/2017 08:41

Oh dear.

Please tell us more of his "clever sayings"

bigmouthstrikesagain · 25/08/2017 08:44

If I heard that used as a simile I would think long queue but not smelly like the mens.

coddiwomple · 25/08/2017 08:53

I wouldn't understand what he meant, but I can see where the "gossip station" is coming from. We might be equal, but has anyone compared the queue in front of men's toilets and women's toilets? I have seen so many women putting their make up on and so on, even in an airport, it's hardly sexist to joke about the time we spend in there in general.

MyRedPepper · 25/08/2017 08:57

Honestky? its not clever, it's misogynist, and a lot of people will ntnhave a clue of what he meant which is likely to not have gone down well in his meeting.

And I would pull him up in it much more strongly than you have TBH.

IDoDaChaCha · 25/08/2017 09:01

Unprofessional comment to make at work, reinforcing gender stereotypes. Sounds like he was trying to be humourous not negative. But seemingly innocent comments that reinforce gender stereotypes don't help progress. It's like men who casually comment about 'women drivers' or 'women's roles' (cooking, cleaning, rearing children etc). They might be doing it jokingly with a smile on their face but it doesn't help. I recently begged a sheet of ply board from a local building site and had to deal with the builders sniggering at my assertion that I was using it to re-roof my shed. One said he'd drop it off for me on his roof bars, which was nice of him. But he said "I'd do anything for you" to which they all laughed. Which wasn't so nice. Sometimes even when men are trying to be nice they're also casually sexist. Throughout the exchange I remained confident and behaved as though I was there equal - which I am. I had DD with me and even at 18mths I know she's taking in the tiniest details of interactions. I don't want her to grow up thinking women can't do diy and are just sex objects for men. These ideas creep in insidiously. Years ago I wouldn't have had the confidence to approach a building site to ask for waste materials as I've been catcalled that many times it was very unnerving. But it's my job now to be strong for my daughter and set a good example: women can do anything too. Sometimes that means doing things youve been afraid to before. These builders were really nice to me, but they still communicated their casual sexism- probably without realising. Which is a shame. If I have a boy next (planning DC2) I'll be sure to make a point of teaching him about gender equality.

MyRedPepper · 25/08/2017 09:01

codd the queue at women toilets have nothing do with gossiping!! (And certainly not in an airport....)
Ive never seen any women starting to have a full on conversation in the loo. Hardly a nice place for a chat.

Besides, Numerous studies have shown queues are linked to the fact that clothing is harder to remove, periods and plainly lack of enough facilities for women compare to men.
They even tried to make some toilets who were initially 'for men' into women toilets in a stadium after complaints from women who had to queue for so long.
They had to move those toilets back to men toilets because they had to cope with a small queue and that wasn't acceptable apparently....

ButchyRestingFace · 25/08/2017 09:02

I'm curious about how and why he told you this, OP. Confused

When I talk about work etc to family/friends, I speak in very general terms. I don't go into the particulars of language/expressions used.

Did his turn of phrase elicit some kind of response from the gathered throng? Or does he just think he's a terribly clever fellow to be coining "humourous" phrases in his non native language?

Greggers2017 · 25/08/2017 09:04

Oh for goodness sake, people need to lighten up. It's just a lighthearted saying. We've all heard them all. "Smells like a men's urunal in here" "sweating like a nun in a brothel" etc. Everybody has sayings. Why are people so offended so easily. This is why political correctness is going mad, nobody can say anything anymore without someone getting offended.
As for women's toilets, have you not been in them on nights out. You learn who's sleeping with who, what's happened at work and so on. They are a gossip hole, and bloody annoying at that.

coddiwomple · 25/08/2017 09:04

If you want gender equality, police women to ensure they spend just as little time in the toilets than their male counterparts. Until then, sorry, the jokes about our bathrooms habits will carry on.
Never once had I heard a man asking a mate to come with him to go to the loo, whilst so many women cannot go in less than a pair. You can get annoyed, but you can't pretend it doesn't happen

coddiwomple · 25/08/2017 09:06

Ive never seen any women starting to have a full on conversation in the loo.

you should pop in your nearest club tonight! It's been years since I have been clubbing, but even the loos at work and in the bars around my office are full of women chatting. Thursday and Friday afternoons especially, my office toilets are full of girls putting their make up on and happily chatting away! Nothing wrong with that, but yes, they are a meeting place.

FlindersKeepers · 25/08/2017 09:10

I live in Germany and this is not a German saying.
He could have made reference to the water cooler or coffee corner or smokers' area, those would have all gotten across what he actually meant without the awkward aspect.

Mind you, I'd be asking him how come he apparently knows so much what is going on in ladies' toilets! Grin He'd certainly not use the expression again after that.

Madonna9 · 25/08/2017 09:21

His colleagues are probably used to this 'guy at work' making up weird sayings ;-)
I would worry more about your intolerance than this comment.
Work that out, you don't want to be annoyed the whole time, right?

Serialweightwatcher · 25/08/2017 09:27

It's getting to be a sad world where nobody is able to make a joke out of anything anymore ... everyone is too quick to be offended by everything

IDoDaChaCha · 25/08/2017 09:32

Serialweightwatcher wouldn't it be nice to live in a world where the only place for casual sexism was during a comedy performance, not IRL. Attitudes need to adjust for that to happen.

coddiwomple · 25/08/2017 09:34

stating a fact is not casual sexism. Pretending we are acting a same way is silly, and is doing the opposite of what you are trying to achieve.

IDoDaChaCha · 25/08/2017 09:44

coddiwomple I don't gossip in toilets, or take other women into cubicles with me while I relieve myself. It's a generalisation, whose basis is in sexism. We'll never move past the bigger gender issues if we don't also move past the smaller ones.

Girlfrommars77 · 25/08/2017 09:45

so many women cannot go in less than a pair.

Honestly coddi?? I have never in my life not been able to go to the loo on my own post being potty trained. I would find it utterly bizarre to ask a friend or colleague to go with me.

If you need to, then fine - but applying your experience to an entire gender is a casual stereotype and casual sexism.

OP like pp I would find it an odd inappropriate comment...and wouldn't understand it!

coddiwomple · 25/08/2017 09:47

Girlfrommars7

I happen to enjoy going to the toilets on my own, without being accompanied by one of my little ones Grin

You might not like it, but you can't deny that girls go in group. Just go to your nearest bar tonight after work - its Friday - and check how many women do not go alone. Don't have a go at me for stating the obvious!

coddiwomple · 25/08/2017 09:48

I should add that there are only men in my team, so no, I don't go to the loos with a colleague either. that would be weird...

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