Some posters have no fucking clue!!

[CosmicPineapple]

This will probably be deleted but I am so fucking angry at the level of ignorance some posters display regarding DV.

Its on another thread and I have posted on there but do not want to derail it further and need to vent.

Apparently a women who is being financially abused seeks food bank support to feed her children because its the easy option and should use the child benefit as that is what it is for despite this being taken away from her by the abuser the second it is paid.

Like its that easy

I have to wonder if this sort of thinking (blaming the women) is part of the reason so many women stay in abusive relationships.

Erm I am in AIBU so AIBU to be angry?

No replies necessary i was just a bit grrrr

I do feel that the LTB trope should only be used when it's confirmed the poster has alternative accommodation. Also Women's Aid are a charity and struggle to find places for those who need them.

For Christ sake I do wish folk would realise that you need a referral for foodbanks, otherwise we'd all be rocking up for free grub.

I posted a thread in Relationships asking for practical advice. I want to leave but I have no money to my name - just enough to get by day to day.

I gave up after I was repeatedly told how easy it would be to leave, go into a refuge and get lots of benefits. Never mind I'd have to leave my job, pull DD from nursery and have SS involvement.

I do feel that the LTB trope should only be used when it's confirmed the poster has alternative accommodation.

I don't agree.

LTB should be said whenever it's necessary, not only when possible.

Working out how to make it possible is a different thing, but it doesn't negate the need for LTB.

What I don't do and disagree with is insisting that people walk out the door that instant (if they can't) or, worse, kick the abuser out without any form of support.

And it really pisses me off when certain posters start telling the OP ("You aren't leaving, are you?"). And some are really well regarded pps, but I think it's just wrong.

I would phone the police if I heard actual violence again.
The worry is that he would know it's me (house is a semi) & some of his mates seem dodgy.

Having said that I did stop the violence last time and he made some comments about it loudly from next door but actually couldn't look me in the face when I bumped into him one day.

I freely admit that I have no knowledge of or experience of DV. As far as I am aware, I don't even know anyone who has suffered from any form of DV although statistically I probably do.

Anything I know has come from the media and so on but even I realise it is never as simple as just throw him out or tell him to give you money etc. How can anyone actually think that it is that simple.

Well said Cosmic Pineapple

As somebody else said , ignore the GFs , it must amuse them, the horrors.

I am so sorry Spud I hope you had some good advice and support on your thread.

On the whole I think mumsnetters are fantastic when it comes to DV support. I have seen posters find the strength to leave beacuse of the kindness and empathy shown
This paticular poster is so vile I let my emotions take over but I do not think they are the mn norm.

Spud if you want to use this thread to post for advice and support please do so

I grew up experiencing DV and know its not hard for women to leave. My mum to this day makes excuses for my dad. I encourage women to ltb but its not easy and those who don't leave should also be given our sympathy.

Ambereeree - I'm kind of hoping that's a typo and you mean you know it's HARD for women to leave, not "not hard".

I think it was Thumb

Sorry yes a typo...it is hard for women to leave.

I think one person who has been abused cant speak on behalf of all people who have been abused. The different type of abuse/the character of the person being abused etc, and mostly the length of time they have been abused id say greatly affects the outcome.

The longer its gone on the deeper the abused gets and the less willpower they have.

Not abuse on the levels OP is talking about but I was with a narcissist for 3 years and it was the fact i could feel myself drifting away that made me run for the hills. I could see how someone suffering the mentioned abuse could get themselves lost.

I love MN and generally think some brilliant advice is given here but my absolute pet hate is when a woman cant find a way out of a relationship with an abusive partner, comes on here for advice and when she says why she perceives she cant leave is further abused by posters here. I often wonder how much damage that does to the OP. Its those times when I wonder if MN is for me

"I think one person who has been abused cant speak on behalf of all people who have been abused. The different type of abuse/the character of the person being abused etc, and mostly the length of time they have been abused id say greatly affects the outcome"

This is true. I was lucky enough to get out quite early on. There is a major psychological barrier to overcome in order to get free of abuse, but without decent benefits for one-parent families and refuges, it is a hundred times harder.

I hate 'I'd have left the first time he hit me' shit. Physical abuse usually comes second to emotional/ verbal/ financial abuse, because lets be honest not many people wouldn't walk away from a man they just met, with no hold on them, hitting them.
By the first time my ex hit me I fully believed that I deserved it, before I met him I never felt like that.

It's the constant wearing down. By physical or mental means. You are left sleepwalking to the point that you don't even debate the rights or wrongs of what is going on, just getting through a day is enough.
When you are that mentally exhausted, you can't even think about what comes next, can you afford it, where will you live.
Making a plan is too much, you are just physically and mentally exhausted.

I think there are very few people who do actually leave after the first time they are hit. Most people who say that have never - happily - been hit by their partner

I am seeing the mum today and we will be paying for school uniform and a foodbank voucher for over the bank holiday weekend.

I am hoping to help her register for housing if she is up to it. If she has a home to go to and everything in place it reduces the barriers for leaving him.

The 10 years of EA and FA have left this women with no confidence or self worth.
The thought that her children will be homeless and struggling to cope is too much for her to manage alone so she stays through fear.

People who donate to foodbanks and charities do more good than they realise I think. Sometimes its not just providing a few hot meals those food parcels can be a life line to other support.

One woman I know well went to ask police advice after the first physical attack. The police woman who spoke to her said dismissively, 'I don't really understand because I'd never put up with this in the first place ' To come from a woman was really sad. Further police who saw her were excellent though thank god. I feel we have been fed a controlling fairy tale for thousands of years to make us obedient servants with no rights and the psychological pressure of generations is another thing that sub consciously depletes us.

What gets me is when people assume that the perpetrators of domestic violence are always male. They're not.
Getting out of an abusive relationship can be so hard for men because people won't believe what is happening to them and also because the woman is more likely to be given custody of any kids.