Some posters have no fucking clue!!

[CosmicPineapple]

This will probably be deleted but I am so fucking angry at the level of ignorance some posters display regarding DV.

Its on another thread and I have posted on there but do not want to derail it further and need to vent.

Apparently a women who is being financially abused seeks food bank support to feed her children because its the easy option and should use the child benefit as that is what it is for despite this being taken away from her by the abuser the second it is paid.

Like its that easy

I have to wonder if this sort of thinking (blaming the women) is part of the reason so many women stay in abusive relationships.

Erm I am in AIBU so AIBU to be angry?

No replies necessary i was just a bit grrrr

It is very easy to speak from a point of complete ignorance on how "I would never be sucked in", "I'd leave after the first instance of X", "I'd never let that happen to me" - you have no fucking CLUE what you'd do until it happens to you.
Because it really ISN'T that simple. For starters, the abuser is usually delightful when they're not abusive. They're charming, they make you feel like you're the most important thing in the world to them, they really know how to work you. And that's very hard to resist in itself. Then the first step is to gradually suggest that although you're of course fabulous, you could be a bit better if you did Y. Then maybe a bit of sniping about you not doing Y. So you do Y. Then it's something else. It builds up.

Some abusers target strong, independent, intelligent women. Makes them feel better about themselves if they manage to "tame" one like that! Some pick vulnerable women because they're "soft targets".

There is no one type of abuser, just like there is no one type of abuse victim. But the scenario nearly always follows the same pattern - start low key and build up.

Like boiling a frog. Put it in water and slowly turn the temp up - the frog will regulate its body temp to counteract this right up to the point where its dying, because it hasn't realised in time that the water is too hot to survive.

I reported the post to MNHQ on that thread and asked it be deleted along with mine so that victims of DV or anyone else who come across it are not put off from seeking support.

People can really live in a different world.

I'm still fairly upset that my own sister and mother had a discussion in front of me about how if men hit women maybe they were hard to live with.
I've suffered DV and they know what I've been through, so they should know better.
I've told them in no uncertain terms that they were not to repeat it in front of me. Got an apology from my mother, but not my sister.

I'm less surprised that people who haven't even been in contact with DV are less clued up.

It is very easy to speak from a point of complete ignorance on how "I would never be sucked in", "I'd leave after the first instance of X", "I'd never let that happen to me" - you have no fucking CLUE what you'd do until it happens to you.

it is very easy to speak from a position of complete ignorance, and delude yourself that people who are challenging you are doing it because they "don't have a clue" what the reality of a situation is, when the real truth may well be that they know far far far more than you do.

People can really live in a different world.

yes, you keep on telling yourself that. People who challenge your assumptions are from a "different world" where they have never confronted this reality, and they don't know anything about it or see it or deal with it ever,

of course they don't

Yadnbu op

My neighbour is being emotionally and possibly physically abused.

I have banged on the wall to stop him attacking her, he did stop luckily and went out.

They have 2 children, a boy & a baby. Her mother visits often & knows what's going on so she has support.

He locked them in the house the other day.

I don't understand why she stays with him, he has some kind of hold over her?

I can't stand the moany whiny bullying pig. I think he's involved in crime because the armed police went round to serve a warrant of some kind ages ago.

If I hear him attack her again it would be hard for me not to get involved as it makes me so so angry.

I've had other neighbours in other places where DV has been an issue.

It's just not so simple as saying LTB because many women just don't for various reasons.

You are DNBU OP. I fled an abusive relationship and was left destitute. If it wasn't for my family helping out I would still be there with my DD. Maybe even dead.

I will not respond to you.
You are being goady and do not deserve my time.

Don't be ridiculous Copperbeech. You cannot possibly know far far far more about another person's relationship than they do, however clever and superior you think you are.

Copperbeech33

Interesting points of view.

Are you saying that people who think leaving an abuser or that women can be at fault have experienced and understand DV?

Sorry:

who think leaving an abuser is easy...

Quite often the ignorant do not wish to be enlightened to the facts. How bloody lovely for them Probably never occurs them that many others, who are empathetic and offer good sensible advice, really wish they weren't quite so 'enlightened' to DVA facts and experience.

Cosmic there are sadly a lot of people out there that have zero understanding of the issue, they live in a weird reality that allows them to float through life in a bubble of fiction.

Sadly what should 'be' is not going to happen due to ingrained inequality of unfairness and bullshitery that women have to face just because they have a vagina. If roles were magically reversed in a freak dimensional shift and men found themselves being abused, looked down on, and marginalised the world would stop turning! And all of that is before we factor in the misogynists handmaidens that live in that fictitious bubble that is so far removed from the reality that women can be so ground down by abuse that they have no light at the end of their tunnel. That abuse I would attribute to not only the dh/dp but also the legal system, the benefits system, the child maintenance system and so on.

It makes me so fucking angry that sometimes I feel that my head might explode.

For those who have suffered DV i am so sorry.
If getting out was easy then so many more would.
This mum has had 10 years of this.
He has ground away her confidence.
Isolated her from friends and family.
Taken her independance and left her feeling so scared she no longer knows her own mind.
We are trying to build all that back up so that she finds the strength to leave.
It is in a sikening way harder for her to get the support because she is not beaten black and blue

tehmina

Please call 999 if you hear him attacking her again.

I'll freely admit it was easier for me to leave because I had family nearby and a good job and income.
It is still fucking hard because even recently I had to explain to a judge that my reluctance to force DS to keep in contact with exH was not because I was bitter.

Thank you for posting this, Cosmic

Thank you for posting this, Cosmic

it was just an angry rant about silly bollocks up thread but actually a discussion about DV victims and how they are viewed and supported is not a bad thing.

I work in dv and normally avoid these threads as I can't deal with hearing the BS after doing what I do every day

Imo emotional abuse can be worse than physical violence. Especially when no one will believe the victim, I think it's really scary and heart goes out to anyone in that situation.

Oh hell no, YNBU!!
So sickened by the assumption that it's so easy to just leave.

^^obviously anyone in any form of DV! Sorry I don't think that was clear. I don't mean I think a beatings fine but I draw the line at wallet control!

Oh hell no, YNBU!!
So sickened by the assumption that it's so easy to just leave.

The comment was also made that the victim is choosing to be abused.

Well actually the only good thing, apart from my dd, that I got out of having been a relationship with an abuser was that it broadened my mind. Because until then I also had been one of those who thought that there was nothing easier or more obvious than just LTB.

tehmina23 Please phone the police next time you hear violence next door.