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Original poster

'It brought tears to my eyes to see him changing her nappy'

52 replies

user1498726699 · 24/08/2017 14:42

So says my MIL about DH having to clean up DD while they were at the park. The tears were because seeing her son do 'women's work' upset her.

I was at work at the time earning double what DH earnt.

I cannot understand this way of thinking from a WOMAN. MIL comes from Eastern Europe, in one of the most mysonogistic cultures. She raised 7DC in poverty and with no help from FIL whatsoever. She has had a horrendously tough life including not being able to attend school past primary age due to being a girl, something she has always said devastated her. Even now at age 70 she has to wait hand on foot on FIL.

Why would she want to perpetrate that kind of life on future generations rather than be happy things were starting to become more equal? Help me understand!

OP posts:
DearMrDilkington · 24/08/2017 14:43

Is she ok? It's a very weird thing to cry over...

SchnooSchnoo · 24/08/2017 14:45

Are you sure it wasn't tears of happiness? Pride? General emotional overwhelm?

A1Sharon · 24/08/2017 14:46

Perhaps her son could point out to her that he enjoys being an equal parent? That it is no hardship for him to change her nappy and that he enjoys being a hands on parent?
Does she know you are the bigger earner?

user1471517900 · 24/08/2017 14:51

Its what she's used to. This is very sad in itself but she's spent around 70 years understanding "that's how it's done". People can act very irrationally - her brain might be geared towards seeing this as her son failing rather than women succeeding. Even if you're the one being subjugated it can be hard to break out of the mindset.

flumpybear · 24/08/2017 14:52

You need a word with her about women's lib !

bgmama · 24/08/2017 14:55

Nice little racist dig about east Europe there, op. I live in an east European country and my dh is from here but my mil has never expected him to do anything less than me when it comes to our child.

Thegrumpos · 24/08/2017 14:57

Because cultural is inherent. Regardless of her probably realising on a logical level that she was so held back (i.e. The schooling etc.) in her own life and doesn't want the same for others, it is extremely difficult to undo a lifetime of certain assumptions and beliefs - even when you do not want to perpetuate them, they are almost impossible to remove from our very essence.
In understanding that she fundamentally has this cultural influence (I'm not talking about the country as such but the social norms and structures of her background) then it might make it easier for you to comprehend how she can get upset over such stuff.
No idea on how to help her see things differently - she probably does in some ways, it is frustrating though I agree :/

WhatWouldLeslieKnopeDo · 24/08/2017 14:57

Ah yes, nothing as heartbreaking as a parent caring for his child Hmm

It sounds like her only purpose in life was/is to care for her husband and children. And I guess you can only do that without being resentful by actually believing that men are superior to women and that they need to be cared for. So she probably can't understand you "forcing" your husband to do these womanly duties, let alone that he might actually want to look after his own child. Well, obviously nobody wants to change nappies, but it is just part of having a child and all the good bits make up for it!

Original poster
user1498726699 · 24/08/2017 14:58

This was a long while ago. We have just been over there on holiday and Mil made comments about DH getting up with DS and doing his breakfast. This led to a discussion about DH and I having relationship issues due to cultural differences him trying to get away with being a chauvinistic pig. MIL then brought up the time she first saw DH changing a nappy and how it made her feel.

DH's brother is still unmarried at age 38 (very old over there) and MIL puts this down to young women these days wanting to do 'what they want' rather than cleaning house and serving their husbands all day.

I can't get my head round someone who's had a life of servitude basically thinking that the next generation should carry it on.

OP posts:
mounyaandyiolanda · 24/08/2017 14:59

bgmama

Stop with the crap about it being racist. It's not.

Every time you throw that remark out you devalue actual racist remarks and comments.

missmollyhadadolly · 24/08/2017 15:01

His reminds me of MIL flinging herself off the dining chair when she realises DH was doing the dishes, not me. 'MrMolllyyyyyy, leaaaave theeeeeeem! I'll dooooooo theeeeeeeeem!'

Slimthistime · 24/08/2017 15:01

is it jealousy? Sometimes people have a hard time that they never got the good things and it comes out in ways like this?

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 24/08/2017 15:01

bgmama that's wasn't a racist dig.

I'll just get the definition for you so you understand the difference between a statement and prejudice.

ra¦cism
[ˈreɪsɪz(ə)m]

NOUN
prejudice, discrimination, or antagonism directed against someone of a different race based on the belief that one's own race is superior:

Slimthistime · 24/08/2017 15:02

missmolly - cross post. How do you respond when she does that?

Thegrumpos · 24/08/2017 15:03

You won't be able to get your head around it! You have massive distance between your assumptions and beliefs, the best you can do is try to bridge it.
You do not need to understand it either, you and your partner have chosen to live differently. You just have to acknowledge the gaps and choose whether you try to bridge them or accept them and limit your time discussing it for the benefit of your relationship

WhatWouldLeslieKnopeDo · 24/08/2017 15:04

People are like that in lots of ways though.

E.g. people saying things like "we didn't have any help in my day" rather than wanting to make things easier for future generations.

I don't know why. Maybe people don't want anyone to have it easier than they did. Or maybe they're so attached to the way things are because that's the way they place value on their lives. If MIL were to accept that her way of doing things was sexist and unfair, she would have to reconsider her whole life and perhaps be quite unhappy with what she found Sad it's probably a lot easier to believe that things should be that way!

missmollyhadadolly · 24/08/2017 15:05

I didn't say anything to her and handed him more dishes Grin

He mumbled something about leaving the pots for me. I told him as I'd just shopped for and cooked his MIL a 3 course meal, there was no way he was leaving the dishes.

Weird thing is she brought all her boys up to do household chores.

PurpleDoggy · 24/08/2017 15:06

"MIL comes from Eastern Europe, in one of the most mysonogistic cultures."

Where? IME EE cultures are not so bad due to communism.

Librarybooksandacoconut · 24/08/2017 15:06

I can't get my head round someone who's had a life of servitude basically thinking that the next generation should carry it on.

Because that's how she believes her life has had meaning and purpose. To admit that you've basically been conned into being others skivvy and that they couldn't particularly give a shit what you've sacrificed is an incredibly difficult thing to do. If she can see other women carrying on the mantle from her, then it validates the fact that her life's work has been worthwhile.

Porpoises · 24/08/2017 15:10

Its easy to criticise. I don't agree with her. But if you want to think of it from her perspective:

That's her role. As wife and mother, her role was to do everything. And even though she would conciously have loved to get more education, to deal with the role life has dealt her she has come to believe in it. I imagine that her pride and self esteem are built on being a good wife and mother, and because of her culture that means to do all the work. And therefore she needs to continue to believe that that is the definition of a good wife - otherwise she would have to reevaluate her whole life and whole set of beliefs herself. That's a lot to ask at 70. The views of younger English women must seem like a criticism, a devaluation of her whole life's work.

CreamCheeseBrownies · 24/08/2017 15:12

Hmm maybe the fact that you earn more (if she knows this) actually makes it harder for her to accept - that her son is taking the "lesser" role of doing "women's work".

Maybe rather than seeing it as women being set free from the life she has had, she sees it as her son stooping "down" to the level that she thought he'd be saved from, by cleverly being born with a willy.

I don't get the whole "pink jobs and blue jobs" thing which seems popular even among people my age though, so what do I know?

Billben · 24/08/2017 15:15

Nice little racist dig about east Europe there, op

Stop talking rubbish. You might live in Eastern Europe but you are not Eastern European and weren't even brought up there. I am and have lived there for 19 years of my life. And my mother would be horrified too to see my husband cook his dinner every now and again or do any jobs around the house that I should be doing because I'm the woman therefore it's my job. A lot of the older generation is very much still like that.

MissHavishamsleftdaffodil · 24/08/2017 15:17

Like Library says, it's challenging and messing with her internal values.

There was a repeat of the sit com 'Bread' on the other day, which was what, mid to late 80s? The mother was shrieking at catching one of her sons doing the hoovering at his girlfriend's house. A lot of 'she's made him into a sissy'. It's clear in that situation it's about:

  1. Messing with her pride in her son that he's 'tough' and 'manly' in the stereotype she's comfortable with, where gender roles are very separate.

  2. messing with her pride in herself as the provider, the carer, because that's what her whole sense of identity is based on. (In this case, a woman deserted by her husband where her role as mother provider is all the self esteem she has left)

and 3) seeing her territory being trampled by this other woman, this rival for her son's attention, affection and focus. This other woman is filling him up with different values, apparently in a role where her precious son is subservient to her, living a very different (much freer, happier) life than the mother was ever able to have.

That was Britain in the 80s and it hasn't changed all that much!

Slimthistime · 24/08/2017 15:20

Cream - pink and blue jobs? Do you mind if I ask your age?

Atenco · 24/08/2017 15:26

I think when your entire life has been sacrificed to one way of doing things, it is very hard to accept that it was wrong and you could have had it better.

I remember an elderly lady in Dublin telling how totally wrong divorce is and then saying that she had to hurry home because her husband was a tyrant.

And yes that was a terribly sweeping statement you made, OP, about Eastern Europeans.