AIBU in NOT confronting my friend, even though she's been rude about me behind my back?

[BoudicaBattleaxe]

Sorry for the long post...

I have a friend I met through work. We take our breaks together if we're on the same shift. We sometimes meet up for coffee/lunch if our days-off fall on the same day. And we occasionally have the odd night out. She has since been promoted and is now a shift superviser.

She first suggested a night out together around a year ago. She's fairly quiet like me, not loud or extrovert. I was unsure how she likes to dress for nights out so the day before I text her and asked what she was planning on wearing. She replied along the lines of "no idea really, whatever". She gave no clue so I played it safe and just wore some black jeggings and a safe top that revealed no cleavage and covered my bottom. But she arrived dressed up to the nines in knee boots, a short skirt and a low cut top. I genuinely thought "wow, she looks hot!". I complimented her and said how I felt under dressed. "Oh Its just something I threw on" she said modestly. I was pleasantly surprised to see she was more relaxed out of work and we enjoyed a really fun girls night out.

A few months later we arranged another night out. This time with another friend of mine and my sister. Everyone except me was dressed hot to trot. I thought after, I need to stop worrying and wear something a bit more fancy, more dressy. I looked boring and felt it was time to take a leaf out of my friends book and get dolled up next time.

So cue our more recent 3rd night out. This time it includes her DSIS (who has recently started working at our company, and I've gotten to know too) and her SIL (who I don't know and never met before). I decide I'm going to wear something a little less reserved and actually dress for a night out. I wear some nice tailored shorts, with a nice dressy top (no boobage on show, long sleeved, only my legs are on show). The shorts are not super tight or super short, they are not riding up my backside and there is no arse cheek on show.

I meet up with friend and her DSIS outside a bar, and we wait there for friends SIL to arrive. I see friends DSIS has had a noticeable hair cut. It looks really nice so I tell her. Friends DSIS thanks me and talks about how she fancied a drastic change. Then, all of a sudden my friend suddenly looks annoyed, crosses her arms, huffs and turns her head away from us. Her DSIS then looks worried and with her hands gestures towards my friends hair and lightly strokes it saying "She's had a hair cut too, it looks lovely doesn't it?!" My friend then sharply pulls back, throws her DSIS a nasty look and snaps "get off me!" and hits her hand away. Her DSIS instantly retreats and looks hurt. I'm a bit taken aback but compliment my friends hair cut too.

Friends SIL then arrives. She's around half an hour late, she says her taxi was late. No worries, it happens. But friend snaps at her that we've had to wait around for her.

We go into the bar and friends DSIS compliments my outfit, says I look sexy but still smart. I'm pleased and thank her. I return the compliment and say how I love her dress. But friend starts getting all moody again. Friends DSIS again gestures towards my friends outfit, says they both went shopping this afternoon and both bought something new. I compliment my friends outfit, I say she looks stunning.

But then she nastily says to me "I wish I could say the same about you. The top half's alright but its all gone a bit wrong on the bottom half hasn't it!" then sniggers.

I'm absolutely speechless, we all are. She's never spoken to me like that before and flabbergasted. There's an awful tumble weed moment and then she turns and talks to her SIL, ignoring me and her SIS. However, having dealt with bullies many times I decided the best thing I could do was not react and continue to enjoy my evening.

Throughout the evening she continues to have little snipes here and there, discreetly pushes me out of the circle if we're stood around together and I have to move around to rejoin etc. And the tension, nasty looks and moodiness continues.

Later we hit a nightclub. We're on the dance floor and a guy who's just going around dancing enthusiastically approaches me. We have a little boogie that lasts maybe 10 seconds at the most - it's in no way sexually suggestive, there is no flirting and no touching, we're just enjoying dancing. The guy then continues to move on to dance with other people too. But friend gets moody again and storms off to sit down, forcing her DSIS and SIL go too. I'm now fed up with these immature strops so the stubborn side of me stays on the dance floor dancing on my own.

Eventually friends DSIS finds the courage to rejoin me on the dance floor. Friend is clearly annoyed, stays sat at the table with her SIL, crossed armed with a face like a smacked arse for 10mins then gets up and announces "we're going home". To my surprise her DSIS nervously but firmly says "I'm having fun, I think I'm going to stay here. Do you want to stay with me Boudica?". I agree and we have a great night just the two of us.

I do say to friends DSIS though "is friend ok? She seems a bit off today". Friends DSIS just says "yeah she's fine, I think she's just tired" and changes the subject. I appreciate the sisterly loyalty and that she may not want to be seen as talking about her behind her back, so I just leave it at that.

A couple of days later I return to work. I haven't seen or heard from my friend since our night out and we haven't been on the same shift together. Another colleague informs me my friend has been telling other colleagues at work she's never going out with me again as I was dressed like a slut, behaved like a slapper and was throwing myself at men. That she had to go home early as I'd ruined her night out with my awful behaviour!

Before this night out I thought she was a nice genuine person. I've been short of good friends and thought I'd finally found one in her. I'm gutted.

I've told my DP of this rumour. He thinks shes jealous. He saw what I looked like and agree's I didn't look slutty and knows I'm not the type to throw myself at men or behave so badly it forces people to go home early.

But now I don't know what to do. I still have to see my friend at work. She supervises on some of my shifts. I'm apoplectic at being spoken about so disgustingly and untruthfully, but I also don't want to cause an actual row and for it to be difficult and tense at work. The job is stressful enough as it is.

WIBU to just ignore this but distance myself from her? After this I can't see us being social any more, I'm too hurt and it looks like she no longer wants to be seen out with me any more anyway. But I need this job and can't risk a fallout. She out-ranks me and has been with the company much longer than me.

DP thinks I should confront her though instead of letting her think she's gotten away with bad mouthing me behind my back...

WWYD?

OP - what would you do if you weren't scared?

Drop her status back to work colleagues and go out with the fun friendly non bitchy girls!! You stole her thunder by being the star of the night and she can't handle it!!
Smile sweetly and just do your job and have fun and dress however you want!!

Neutrogena - if I wasn't afraid for my job, I'd confront her. I hate this kind of bitchiness. Its just so nasty. I couldn't just let someone go around speaking about me like that. But I have bills to pay. I've been in a job before where I fell out with a friend, who was also a superviser, and she made my life a misery until I I felt I had no option but to leave. But then I didn't have bills and a family to support. I just can't believe I'm here again.

So wait a second, your supervisor is going around telling your colleagues you behave like a slapper?

That's serious. Do you have a HR department?

Another petulant child stamping feet and being mean to cover their insecurities. Fgs what is wrong with people? Treat her as a colleague and no more. If she starts, just be the better person wait it out with a wry look and a raised eyebrow. I also find cross referencing handy so when you speak to others mention "......but then I dress like a tart and (turn to her) what was it? Oh yes, behave like a slut, that's right" then laugh and walk off. Silly cow.

Yes Elspeth, but I'm not sure I could handle reporting it. In the same job I reported another male supervisor for sex discrimination. Its a mainly all-male industry I work in. The other women pressured me to report him after a particular incident, said they'd back me up as they'd had enough if him too. But then when it came to their witness statements they backed down scared and said they'd witnessed nothing. Luckily I had other evidence and the guy did actually get a formal warning but seeing my fellow colleagues refuse to back me up proves I'll be unsupported. Especially as she has been there around 10 yrs and has more friendly loyalties than me

What makes me laugh about this (laugh is the wrong word) is that she's quite clearly got you pegged as the 'plain' mate, and then the one night you dress up a little bit she can't handle it because all the attention isn't on her.

She's a pathetic attention seeking drama queen who wants the spotlight. She's definitely not a friend to you.

Agree with pp, consider taking this to management. Her being in a supervisory role to you creates an uncomfortable situation particularly as she's spreading rumours

Only piece of advice I will give you is: colleagues are not your friends. Keep work and private separate.

Look for another job. Secure it, get the references, then kiss this lot good bye,

she is not your husband, just someone you know. Drop her dead - she's a nutter. There is really no need for an Eastenders style embarassing slanging match. What would be the point? She's got problems, you don't need that in your life.

If she's calling you a slapper at work, then it's a matter for HR.

You need to fight this strategically. Confronting isn't going to work. She is your supervisor. Sadly, you may be labelled as a trouble maker if you lodge a complaint because of your former complaints.

If you have other people at work that you could cultivate, do so, quickly.

Try to organise some outings WITHOUT your former friend/the supervisor there. Let them see what you are like. In the absence of knowing what you are like, they will believe her bullshit. Give them some context so they know what she is saying is all bullshit.

Meanwhile, try to look for other work, because you will never truly recover from this. You will only manage to control the damage, not eliminate it entirely.

Yeah, i wouldn't confront her either.

Tbh I'd look for another job and make it a personal rule to keep a distance when it's people with supervisory roles over you.

Only piece of advice I will give you is: colleagues are not your friends. Keep work and private separate.

This is solid advice you are all thrown together because of work there aren't your real friends. I've been out with work colleagues before and they are just so bitchy after a couple years I just stop socialising with work colleagues. I have other friends I rather go out with that aren't going to be gossiping over who wore what in the office.

People are obviously telling you what she has said. I would put them straight about exactly what happened that night and say not on word to her, unless in the line of work. What a twat of a drama llama.

I've had this happen where I get some friends, finally find the courage to relax then someone throws a stop because they arent the centre of attention. They quickly got dropped.

Agree with Kimmy.
She sounds a total dick. Act professionally polite from now on and say hi and goodbye, but no further nights out or friendly chatter. Sounds like she was pissed off the attention wasn't on her for the evening. I just can't deal with people like that.

She's a dirty nasty bint.... who despises not being the Top Dog...

avoid like the plague ....

I've been through a nearly identical situation. Near the end I realised;
She's not your friend, she saw you as a potential rival, and she played the long game to get rid of you.

Next time somrone reports to you what she has said, say
'Tell HR; I'm not interested''.
Cut her loose and wait 3 months. See what happens.

For the love of God, (and I mean this nicely), pull yourself together and report her. People can't get away with behaving like that. It's not school.

Well if you reported it, the person who told you would have to go on the record. If you doubt they will, then fair enough.

So drop the bitch dead. Ghost her. There's no point in even pretending once the "slapper" line has been crossed.

When your shifts coincide next, avoid her like the plague and if you have to have any verbal exchange, don't make eye contact and start walking away as you talk so it's very brief.

And have a Plan for break time. If she asks you what time you're going on break, say you don't know as you've a lot on. Wait her out. Only go once she's already left. And don't eat at your desk, you'll have to keep that up forever. Is there anyone she never ever goes on breaks with? Can you ask them when they're going on break?

You definitely have to spread your wings wide and if there's anyone you don't speak to much, make a big effort. You need options at break time.

Personally if there's any chance her opinion of you could impact professionally I.e. performance report, then go to HR despite your misgivings about being backed up. With the object not of anything coming from it, but more that it's documented so you have a weapon if you get an unfair assessment from her later on. You could prove bias.

She sounds absolutely horrible and clearly can't handle anyone else having any attention at all, whether it's you or her own sister.

It was obviously very unprofessional of her to say what she did to your colleagues but you only have your other colleague's word that she actually said what she did and sometimes rumours like this just get blown out of all proportion (for example, Colleague A once said Colleague B had been very quiet and I said 'He's seemed a bit down for a couple of days, maybe he's just got a lot on his mind this week' and a week later Colleague B took me a side and said 'Colleague A says you've been telling everyone I'm depressed and can't cope').

I think I personally would just ignore it for now and obviously not socialise with her again - but of course, if it escalates into anything more you will need to address it with your HR team.

(By the way, your outfit sounds really lovely.)

TalkinBoutNuthin "Meanwhile, try to look for other work, because you will never truly recover from this. You will only manage to control the damage, not eliminate it entirely."

I know, you're right. I'm so sad that I've ended up here again. Having to look for another job because a colleague in a superior position has decided they no longer want to be my friend.

stilldringmebonkers "Only piece of advice I will give you is: colleagues are not your friends. Keep work and private separate." This is so sad, but I think you're right. I only applied this rule to romantic relationships, but looks like I should have to do the same with friendships too

"she's quite clearly got you pegged as the 'plain' mate"

I agree with this too - you're being invited out to be the quiet mousy girl who compliments her while she preens and holds her coat when she goes to the loo. She sees you as one of her backing dancers being allowed to hang out with the popular girls and can't handle you actually getting some attention of your own.

Her sister obviously knows that your friend is high maintenance, hence all the placating remarks (pointing out that friend had her hair done and bought new clothes when you complimented someone else).

It does seem like she liked the fact that you'd dressed conservatively as she then stood out, but when you also dressed up a bit, she hated it as you were then (in her eyes) competition.

It makes work tricky though. I think I'd just let the other people know that her portrayal of you is wrong. You said her sister now works there too, so maybe she'll put people straight if they mention it to her.

Polly Flint "(By the way, your outfit sounds really lovely.)"

Thank you. It was nice to get dressed up. I felt really good until the comment she made. The "...its all gone a bit wrong on the bottom half" comment made me feel like shit. I didn't let it show as I didn't want her to see she'd upset me, but inside she really cut me. I'm a big believer in women lifting each other up, so I always pay people compliments. It seems this sets me up for being a door mat though

Oh well, you live and learn!