AIBU in NOT confronting my friend, even though she's been rude about me behind my back?

[BoudicaBattleaxe]

Sorry for the long post...

I have a friend I met through work. We take our breaks together if we're on the same shift. We sometimes meet up for coffee/lunch if our days-off fall on the same day. And we occasionally have the odd night out. She has since been promoted and is now a shift superviser.

She first suggested a night out together around a year ago. She's fairly quiet like me, not loud or extrovert. I was unsure how she likes to dress for nights out so the day before I text her and asked what she was planning on wearing. She replied along the lines of "no idea really, whatever". She gave no clue so I played it safe and just wore some black jeggings and a safe top that revealed no cleavage and covered my bottom. But she arrived dressed up to the nines in knee boots, a short skirt and a low cut top. I genuinely thought "wow, she looks hot!". I complimented her and said how I felt under dressed. "Oh Its just something I threw on" she said modestly. I was pleasantly surprised to see she was more relaxed out of work and we enjoyed a really fun girls night out.

A few months later we arranged another night out. This time with another friend of mine and my sister. Everyone except me was dressed hot to trot. I thought after, I need to stop worrying and wear something a bit more fancy, more dressy. I looked boring and felt it was time to take a leaf out of my friends book and get dolled up next time.

So cue our more recent 3rd night out. This time it includes her DSIS (who has recently started working at our company, and I've gotten to know too) and her SIL (who I don't know and never met before). I decide I'm going to wear something a little less reserved and actually dress for a night out. I wear some nice tailored shorts, with a nice dressy top (no boobage on show, long sleeved, only my legs are on show). The shorts are not super tight or super short, they are not riding up my backside and there is no arse cheek on show.

I meet up with friend and her DSIS outside a bar, and we wait there for friends SIL to arrive. I see friends DSIS has had a noticeable hair cut. It looks really nice so I tell her. Friends DSIS thanks me and talks about how she fancied a drastic change. Then, all of a sudden my friend suddenly looks annoyed, crosses her arms, huffs and turns her head away from us. Her DSIS then looks worried and with her hands gestures towards my friends hair and lightly strokes it saying "She's had a hair cut too, it looks lovely doesn't it?!" My friend then sharply pulls back, throws her DSIS a nasty look and snaps "get off me!" and hits her hand away. Her DSIS instantly retreats and looks hurt. I'm a bit taken aback but compliment my friends hair cut too.

Friends SIL then arrives. She's around half an hour late, she says her taxi was late. No worries, it happens. But friend snaps at her that we've had to wait around for her.

We go into the bar and friends DSIS compliments my outfit, says I look sexy but still smart. I'm pleased and thank her. I return the compliment and say how I love her dress. But friend starts getting all moody again. Friends DSIS again gestures towards my friends outfit, says they both went shopping this afternoon and both bought something new. I compliment my friends outfit, I say she looks stunning.

But then she nastily says to me "I wish I could say the same about you. The top half's alright but its all gone a bit wrong on the bottom half hasn't it!" then sniggers.

I'm absolutely speechless, we all are. She's never spoken to me like that before and flabbergasted. There's an awful tumble weed moment and then she turns and talks to her SIL, ignoring me and her SIS. However, having dealt with bullies many times I decided the best thing I could do was not react and continue to enjoy my evening.

Throughout the evening she continues to have little snipes here and there, discreetly pushes me out of the circle if we're stood around together and I have to move around to rejoin etc. And the tension, nasty looks and moodiness continues.

Later we hit a nightclub. We're on the dance floor and a guy who's just going around dancing enthusiastically approaches me. We have a little boogie that lasts maybe 10 seconds at the most - it's in no way sexually suggestive, there is no flirting and no touching, we're just enjoying dancing. The guy then continues to move on to dance with other people too. But friend gets moody again and storms off to sit down, forcing her DSIS and SIL go too. I'm now fed up with these immature strops so the stubborn side of me stays on the dance floor dancing on my own.

Eventually friends DSIS finds the courage to rejoin me on the dance floor. Friend is clearly annoyed, stays sat at the table with her SIL, crossed armed with a face like a smacked arse for 10mins then gets up and announces "we're going home". To my surprise her DSIS nervously but firmly says "I'm having fun, I think I'm going to stay here. Do you want to stay with me Boudica?". I agree and we have a great night just the two of us.

I do say to friends DSIS though "is friend ok? She seems a bit off today". Friends DSIS just says "yeah she's fine, I think she's just tired" and changes the subject. I appreciate the sisterly loyalty and that she may not want to be seen as talking about her behind her back, so I just leave it at that.

A couple of days later I return to work. I haven't seen or heard from my friend since our night out and we haven't been on the same shift together. Another colleague informs me my friend has been telling other colleagues at work she's never going out with me again as I was dressed like a slut, behaved like a slapper and was throwing myself at men. That she had to go home early as I'd ruined her night out with my awful behaviour!

Before this night out I thought she was a nice genuine person. I've been short of good friends and thought I'd finally found one in her. I'm gutted.

I've told my DP of this rumour. He thinks shes jealous. He saw what I looked like and agree's I didn't look slutty and knows I'm not the type to throw myself at men or behave so badly it forces people to go home early.

But now I don't know what to do. I still have to see my friend at work. She supervises on some of my shifts. I'm apoplectic at being spoken about so disgustingly and untruthfully, but I also don't want to cause an actual row and for it to be difficult and tense at work. The job is stressful enough as it is.

WIBU to just ignore this but distance myself from her? After this I can't see us being social any more, I'm too hurt and it looks like she no longer wants to be seen out with me any more anyway. But I need this job and can't risk a fallout. She out-ranks me and has been with the company much longer than me.

DP thinks I should confront her though instead of letting her think she's gotten away with bad mouthing me behind my back...

WWYD?

Bad news! How much can or could she damage you?

This woman is NOT yr friend.so you are being unreasonable to her call her one.in fact she's a nasty cow..I'd be applying for other jobs,she's clearly got it in for you,I don't think you will win this ,so personally I would keep my head down do my job.keep work and social separate and look to move on quick...if she wasn't a supervisor I'd say call her out on her behaviour,but as you already know the other woman sadly won't back u up...I expect she will continue to have it in for you for the whole time you work there.shes clearly jealous of you.good luck x

OP, your response should be "she said what? About me? She must have been joking. Nothing like that happened. How weird. It must have been a joke." And deflect every time.

I have of course denied what she claimed to the person who's told me all this. He says he heard it directly from her mouth when on one of her shifts. He's an older guy due to retire soon, he trained me when I first started and took me under his wing. He affectionately refers to me as his 'work daughter'. He's not the snitching type but said he felt I should know what she'd been saying, considering he thought she and I were supposed to be friends and warned me to watch my back with her.

Apparently she also went on to say I wore too much make-up, especially blusher, and has since been referring to me as 'blusher girl' to certain other colleagues, who have all had a good laugh at my expense.

I asked DP if he thought I'd worn too much make-up that evening. He's very honest with me (but tactfully!) and he says I wore no more make-up than usual, which has never been excessive.

I feel totally foolish.

Don't feel foolish! This is entirely her problem, not yours. She is jealous as hell and bitter that the attention wasn't on her.
You can either ignore her pathetic behaviour and carry on as normal but not as her friend or you calmly take her to one side and ask her why she is talking about you to colleagues behind your back. If she continues I would go straight to HR or senior management and make a complaint.

Well, foolish in that I've allowed myself to be done over by yet another 'friend'... another wolf in sheep's clothing.

I consider myself to be fairly intelligent but when it comes to picking friends I'm an utter idiot

Next time you see her ask if she likes your new blusher, or is it too much? She'll know you know.

Stay politely professional but distant with her if you do have to interact. She may get bored, but if she does decide your face doesn't fit and ramp up the bullying behaviour you need to keep a diary of all interactions with her. From the sound of it you have little interaction at work, so with luck your paths won't cross again and her new bitch clique can face her wrath when they don't bow and scrape enough.

Babs But considering how rudely she spoke to me that evening I'm not convinced she'll be bothered I know what she's been saying about me. I've a feeling she actually wants me to find out hoping I'll react and kick off. Given I've already made a complaint about one of my colleagues at this company I've been hypothesising in my own head that she wants me to complain about her, she'll deny it, colleagues won't support me or back me up and then I'll be seen as a trouble causer.

I wouldn't be able to call her a friend after she behaved like that.

Didn't anyone take any photos on your night out? Show them how you did look??

Do you know what op it really pisses me off. They way if people are annoyed at you then suddenly your a slag ect its so pathetic and shows shes a jealous idiot. It really annoys me. You turn someone down and they tell their mates your a slag, ive even had men lie and say they have has sex with me when they havnt and i was easy! Now jealous woman are doing this its just so crap. If anyone says anything to you i would laugh and say haha you havnt fallen for one of her jokes again have you. But saying that would the person who told you make a statement to your boss? Sounds like you have good relationship. If so i would take it all the bloody way! Im fuming for you.

Foslady nope no photos. Given the atmosphere it never even crossed my mind to take any that evening. However I really don't give a shit about proving I didn't look like a slut to other people. I'm just gutted at my so-called friend turning on me like this.

Sleephead I really don't want to involve my other colleague who told me this by asking him to be witness in a complaint. I told me it in confidence and so close to retiring. I'd like for him to be able to leave without being dragged into my drama.

I think the best I can do is distance myself, no longer socialise or take my breaks with her and phase her out. She made it clear on our evening out she no longer likes me so it shouldn't be too difficult hopefully.

Well I think you have to realise that you do not have a friendship with her and even if she starts being nice to you again do not fall for it, just be professional and polite, no more out of work socialising.

Secondly, I'd start looking for another job in your shoes. It's not fair but realistically if she is in a supervisory role over you, your position in the company will be impacted by her behaviour towards you. I know you don't want to go to HR about her and at this point there isn't anything they could do since this was an outside of work "falling out" from their perspective but I would document anything negative that you experience at your job going forward - bad treatment towards you, gossip about you that reaches your ears - document it all just in case.

I understand why you don't want to report it.

I quite like Talkins idea about being strategic though.

Anyway you can casually leave your screen on the HR complaints page or complaint forms just peeking out in your desk. Perhaps be seen having coffee in the canteen with someone from HR?

I'd deliberately be very polite and smiley with the supervisor concerned too. Not friendly you understand, but cheerful. Might make her worry.

If anyone else reports anything back to you, you can laugh and jokingly say "something else to add to my list for HR" - it will get back to her...

Of course you need to make sure your work is exemplary.

BenLui "Of course you need to make sure your work is exemplary."

Yes that's true. I don't want to give her any work-related ammo. At the moment she only has this out-of-work personal attack on my appearance and supposed 'looseness' around men in bars!

I sympathise with you but I think that people won't believe her as much as you think.They may publicly laugh at her comments but surely they've got enough life experience to know that she's behaving like an immature 12yr old??

Yeah, hang fire op, hold your head up, she may have form for this. Don't assume that people will believe her. If someone said that to me about a third party, I would be a bit tbh!

As an employer I would not feel happy with either of you involving me in this. She has behaved like a silly school girl on a night out. You need to recognise this and note it. You have discovered she is not worthy of your friendship and that she allows her silliness to enter into her professional relationships,
Your colleagues witness your behaviour at work. If you remain unperturbed by her silliness and continue to do a good job they will, in time, see what a silly gossip she is. Let her trip herself up, and allow others to make their own judgements of her.

People will discover what you are both like and will make their own assessment accordingly, as your older friend at work has done already.

Keep your head down for a bit, keep focussed on work and do a good job. If possible avoid her, but don't give her any clue that you are bothered. This will blow over, I hope everything works out for you.

Thanks guys, you've all given me some good advice to consider. I feel better for having talked it out with people on the outside for some rationality.

My DP is quite protective over me and is incensed over this. He really thinks I should give her a piece of my mind. I'm a fairly quiet person, generally keep myself to myself, hate drama, a private person etc BUT I can be feisty where injustice is concerned, so I could happily confront her about this if I chose to. DP says we'll manage if I have to leave over it.

But, I've put up with bullies most of my childhood /some of my adult life and from experience I realise that this would actually be the best outcome for her... for me to leave. She'll have won. I DO have to be strategic, you're quite right. Why should I leave because she's annoyed over an outfit I wore out of work. Its pathetic.

I'm just shocked at her. We're all well past that adolescent competing stage, we all have DP's and children. There is NO competition between us. None of us go out 'on the pull' so I just don't get it.

She clearly fancies you.

Wait.... that reply only comes when it's a male doing all this.