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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Feel a bit hurt by friend

69 replies

WasIAFreeloader · 24/08/2017 12:07

I have name changed for this. Friend is not on MN afaik but dont want the remotest chance of getting recognised.

Basically friend invited me to stay with her as she has moved 4 months ago to another part of the UK.

Arranged trip last minute.

Was there 6 nights and 5 days but friend had told me to stay as long as I like and was suggesting 10 days.

I arrived mid afternoon the first day. Dropped my bags off and she drove straight to supermarket to shop as nothing in the house. Trolley packed to bursting with chocolates, sweets, alcohol, food, and her general household stuff.

Asked me to pay some of it. So I did. The alcohol, sweets, some of the food.

My issue is this. I was there 5 full days. 3 of the days public transport was used and I of course paid all my own fares. 2 of the days I was completely on my own and was out of house 9+ hours. 2 of the days involved long car journeys. Only one of the long car journeys was something I chose and the other day was something she wanted.
she over ruled a trip somewhere else I wanted to go which would have been by train hence paying my own fare. The trip she chose was bloody miles. Took over an hour to get there on motorways.

So in 5 days I only spent 2 days in the car with her. One of those days was something she wanted. So only one car day was something I chose.

The days I wasnt with her she had errands to run and was driving all over the place.

On the days I was with her and on the day I chose the trip she didnt get out of bed until really late, sleeping through alarms and then sitting around for 2 hours after showering and we didnt get on the road on my day trip until nearly 1pm and by the time we got there, there was virtually no time to do anything I had hoped to see. But I enjoyed was I did see and wasnt that bothered.

I was awake far earlier and was very tired at night. Not an early bird just naturally wake up early on holidays and eager to get going. Because she had laid in bed far later she was wanting to watch films late at night amd actually physically shook me awake a couple of times when I fell asleep on the sofa after midnight and berated me to watch the film with her.

Sorry this is long but I dont want to be accused of drip feeding.

So to try to cut a long story short. After buying all that food, and being asked to pay for alot of it, she suggested we leave with no breakfast as she had slept in so late that it would take too long and lets just get lunch there. The same happened with dinner. Out so late in the day that pn a long journey we had dinner out too and I paid all my own food outside of course.

On the days i was alone I was deposited with no breakfast early at the station so paid for breakfast out, lunch out, etc.

The problem I have is this, despite having one bowl of cereal, one cooked breakfast, and two cooked dinners in there in 6 nights, and spending 3 days out of 5 on public transport and one car day somewhere I didnt want to go and that she chose, the food I helped pay for for the week remains in her fridge / freezer & I ended up even paying for breakfast and dinner out most days on top of paying for food for her house, she flatly asked me for £40 petrol money as I left as she has used a tank and it has cost her a fortune. I was so taken aback I just agreed as Id had a nice time.

But out of 5 days, 3 were on public transport and I paid my own fares one of the car journeys was something I didnt want and only one was something I chose but were on the road so late I missed what Id wanted to see.

I hardly ate in that house and was charged for food by her and I had a shower every morning sure and then was out without being offered a cup of coffee in the morning paying for breakfast and coffee most days too.

I am a bit hurt for her asking me for petrol money on top of everything else when only one day was what I picked myself and the rest I paid train and bus fares.

Am I justified in being hurt or aibu?

OP posts:
WasIAFreeloader · 24/08/2017 14:09

I would also never stay or ask someone to stay for 10 days. I only do short visits- 2-3 nights max.

Yes I will now only stay anywhere as a guest for a weekend or preferably not at all.

OP posts:
ExConstance · 24/08/2017 14:09

Visitors to my house don't pay for anything, except possibly their entrance tickets if we go somewhere and have to pay to get in.

Lovemyfurfurbabs · 24/08/2017 14:17

YANBU. What a cheeky mare. I wouldn't even charge people I was hosting for food tbh.

Gemini69 · 24/08/2017 14:20

your 'so called' friend has a Brass Neck OP.. you're clearly very kind and generous and she's raking the utter piss ..

lesson learnt Flowers x

Gemini69 · 24/08/2017 14:20

*taking

RiotAndAlarum · 24/08/2017 14:32

Well, she's got you to subsidise her life without you enjoying much of the fruits, so it's not as though she's even offset your contribution with much hospitality or caring at all for your comfort! You basically went there to help her out for a bit... without realising that you weren't a guest!

Not on!

Aria2015 · 24/08/2017 14:34

YANBU. I had a friend and her family stay for a week and I just accepted that there would be some extra costs and didn't ask her to pay anything - they were my invited guests and I don't think you should ask guests to pay. She however did take it upon herself to do food shops while I was at work and also put petrol in my car - they were kind gestures that I appreciated but never asked for.

Madwoman5 · 24/08/2017 14:34

This is not hosting as I understand it. Food and drink is already in place before they arrive. Entrance fees are split between us. Breakfast is in the cupboard- if you can see it, you can eat it. Kettle and hot drinks are "there". Dinner/lunch is at x time. Guest will usually reciprocate paying for one meal out. Petrol costs are part of the deal but parking usually covered by guest. Hurt? Yes yanbu. I would not be visiting overnight again.

ExPresidents · 24/08/2017 16:17

You say you were only in the car one day through choice but you did agree to the second trip which you say yourself was a long one. She also drove to and from the supermarket, did she pick you up or drop you at the airport?

Personally I wouldn't have treated a guest like she did, but I think you had a free holiday so to quibble over £70 comes across as a bit petty really. I don't think either of you come out of it looking particularly generous or a good friend.

Jux · 24/08/2017 16:22

I think you're nitpicking about the day trips. So one you didn't choose; you still went.

Look on it as having a holiday for £nnn. Not the best holiday ever, but a holiday nevertheless, and chalk it up to experience.

When I stay with friends/family, I tend to pay way over the odds as I am aware that they have all sorts of hidden costs, and that having someone to stay isn't always as delightful for them as it is for me, ie, it's not a nice change of scene for them, it's another person to try to slot into their normal life.

WasIAFreeloader · 24/08/2017 16:32

I already agreed ages ago that there was a mix of yabu and yanbu and took everything on board and will just not stay again.

OP posts:
Winterview · 24/08/2017 16:39

I think you're being a bit petty. You had a week of free accommodation, use of hot water and electricity etc. Contributing £30 towards food isn't much. Did you bring chocolates/wine/flowers as a gift to the hostess?

She should have been better organised and had basics in stock. And I don't agree with asking a guest to pay towards the food shop unless you're really hard up.
But IME most guests staying longer than a few days pay for at least one food shop (without being asked) and take the hosts out for a meal.

I think you should have done your own shopping on arrival and made breakfast for your friend some days. And tried to fit in with her schedule a bit, e.g. stayed up late and slept in some days rather than rise early every day.

WasIAFreeloader · 24/08/2017 16:47

Winterview read the bloody thread.

Ive already answered what youve asked.

OP posts:
TheMythOfFingerprints · 24/08/2017 16:50

Why did you have to be out of the house when she had appointments?

Cherrytart6 · 24/08/2017 16:55

I don't understand how so little driving equals one tank of petrol? Does she drive a gas guzzler?

So you naturally paid your transport to hers, Bombay sapphire gift, then also £30 food, £40 petrol, plus naturally your own food and transport when out and about. It seems a bit much for a friendly stay. I'd suck it up this time but do things differently next time. Take no gift, go to bed earlier, tell her you're leaving at x time (10.30am) for day trips and leave after having breakfast, use public transport only.

KurriKurri · 24/08/2017 17:21

I think you're being a bit petty. You had a week of free accommodation, use of hot water and electricity etc.

This is called having friends to stay. The OP was invited. Does anyone seriously invite friends to stay and have a mindset that says 'they are getting free accomodation, water and electricity. Do you charge your invited friends rent and share of bills Winterview? You seriously expect your invited guests to go out and do a food shop when they arrive ?- Absolute madness. I cannot imagine being so miserly and rude.

Sequence · 24/08/2017 17:29

No wonder she wanted you to come and stay if she thought she was running a commercial hostel, not welcoming a guest!

If you invite a friend to stay, it's normal to plan and provide meals, ask them what they'd like to do (and don't overrule it with something you prefer), and balance showing them round locally with recommending things they could go out to see themselves.

In return the guest will usually do things like bringing a bottle of wine, paying for you both to go out for lunch/dinner, helping with washing up etc.

When the guest becomes the host next time, it's all reciprocated. Money doesn't come into it! Shock It's meant to be friendship and hospitality, not a commercial enterprise.

YANBU. I would either just walk away and lose touch with the so-called friend, or I'd make a list of the amounts to show you don't owe her anything, as well as telling her you thought she was inviting you as a friend not a 5-day lodger.

Chestnut24 · 24/08/2017 17:44

Write her off! You don't need friends who make you feel like that x

PaganGoddessBrigid · 24/08/2017 17:45

Bloody Hell, she is a shit host.

I would make sure a guest arrived to a house full of food, meals, fruit, snacks, decent coffee, wine, beer, cans of g&t, lime (to give them options). Even if I was thinking 'I'm broke!' I wouldn't ask them for money!

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