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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Feel a bit hurt by friend

69 replies

WasIAFreeloader · 24/08/2017 12:07

I have name changed for this. Friend is not on MN afaik but dont want the remotest chance of getting recognised.

Basically friend invited me to stay with her as she has moved 4 months ago to another part of the UK.

Arranged trip last minute.

Was there 6 nights and 5 days but friend had told me to stay as long as I like and was suggesting 10 days.

I arrived mid afternoon the first day. Dropped my bags off and she drove straight to supermarket to shop as nothing in the house. Trolley packed to bursting with chocolates, sweets, alcohol, food, and her general household stuff.

Asked me to pay some of it. So I did. The alcohol, sweets, some of the food.

My issue is this. I was there 5 full days. 3 of the days public transport was used and I of course paid all my own fares. 2 of the days I was completely on my own and was out of house 9+ hours. 2 of the days involved long car journeys. Only one of the long car journeys was something I chose and the other day was something she wanted.
she over ruled a trip somewhere else I wanted to go which would have been by train hence paying my own fare. The trip she chose was bloody miles. Took over an hour to get there on motorways.

So in 5 days I only spent 2 days in the car with her. One of those days was something she wanted. So only one car day was something I chose.

The days I wasnt with her she had errands to run and was driving all over the place.

On the days I was with her and on the day I chose the trip she didnt get out of bed until really late, sleeping through alarms and then sitting around for 2 hours after showering and we didnt get on the road on my day trip until nearly 1pm and by the time we got there, there was virtually no time to do anything I had hoped to see. But I enjoyed was I did see and wasnt that bothered.

I was awake far earlier and was very tired at night. Not an early bird just naturally wake up early on holidays and eager to get going. Because she had laid in bed far later she was wanting to watch films late at night amd actually physically shook me awake a couple of times when I fell asleep on the sofa after midnight and berated me to watch the film with her.

Sorry this is long but I dont want to be accused of drip feeding.

So to try to cut a long story short. After buying all that food, and being asked to pay for alot of it, she suggested we leave with no breakfast as she had slept in so late that it would take too long and lets just get lunch there. The same happened with dinner. Out so late in the day that pn a long journey we had dinner out too and I paid all my own food outside of course.

On the days i was alone I was deposited with no breakfast early at the station so paid for breakfast out, lunch out, etc.

The problem I have is this, despite having one bowl of cereal, one cooked breakfast, and two cooked dinners in there in 6 nights, and spending 3 days out of 5 on public transport and one car day somewhere I didnt want to go and that she chose, the food I helped pay for for the week remains in her fridge / freezer & I ended up even paying for breakfast and dinner out most days on top of paying for food for her house, she flatly asked me for £40 petrol money as I left as she has used a tank and it has cost her a fortune. I was so taken aback I just agreed as Id had a nice time.

But out of 5 days, 3 were on public transport and I paid my own fares one of the car journeys was something I didnt want and only one was something I chose but were on the road so late I missed what Id wanted to see.

I hardly ate in that house and was charged for food by her and I had a shower every morning sure and then was out without being offered a cup of coffee in the morning paying for breakfast and coffee most days too.

I am a bit hurt for her asking me for petrol money on top of everything else when only one day was what I picked myself and the rest I paid train and bus fares.

Am I justified in being hurt or aibu?

OP posts:
theansweris42 · 24/08/2017 13:07

you do say you had one bowl of cereal but also that you had cereal "on the other days" - I'm meaning, might you have eaten more than you think?
Anyway I agree it is galling to pay for proper food and then end up eating out (more money) but it seems like you have lost about £20 on that. And then the petrol charge is steep - maybe you have lost another £20 there.
Chalk it up and don't stay there again.

KurriKurri · 24/08/2017 13:07

If I ask friends to travel to where I live they have spent money on travel, they are my guest so I pay for food, cook them meals unless we go out and pay petrol(if they offer petrol/food money I wouldn't take it although if they wanted to buy me the odd coffee or lunch I would accept.)

I also take them to the places they would like to visit - I live here all the time, I can go to my places any time I want,the are a visitor, I want them to see their choice of places.
I think going to the supermarket after someone has arrived so you can get them to pay half is extremely rude - I wouldn't dream of doing this.
I would also look after them and make sure they had whatever they needed, make sure they;d had breakfast and tell them to help themselves from the food cupboards etc.

Inviting someone to be your guest is a bit different to someone ringing up and asking if they can stay as a favour or asking you to drive them around for a favour. I would expect someone to offer a bit towards costs in those circs.(unless they are family/close friend)

WasIAFreeloader · 24/08/2017 13:10

Maybe about meals out but she would say things like there is an amazing Chinese down the road we have to have that.

I fancy a meal at xyz....

You can get great things for lunch at xyz and I have it all the time.

She suggested it

Given that there was no milk or bread in the house when I landed and she frequented most of the takeaways many times a weeks I'd wager eating out was something she made a habit of.

OP posts:
Fuckoffee · 24/08/2017 13:12

Yabu. You treated it like a bit of a holiday with day trips etc. £70 for 6 nights is cheap. You couldn't get a hotel or b&b for that. I think the issue is you and your friend aren't really in sync with each other. Her idea of a good time is staying up late drinking crap booze and eating sweets. Yours is getting up early and doing stuff. Because you both have different ideas of enjoying yourselves it was a bit of a rubbish week. Just chalk it up as one of those things and don't ever go on a proper holiday with her as you won't enjoy it.

WasIAFreeloader · 24/08/2017 13:14

you do say you had one bowl of cereal but also that you had cereal "on the other days" - I'm meaning, might you have eaten more than you think?

No I am out and about I didnt mean days I meant day. One bowl of cereal. She cooked breakfast one day. The other 3 days, 2 I was alone and dropped off without breakfast at a station as she told me she had to be out early, at the last minute on the morning she told.me how early she had to go and the other morning left she got up so late she said let's skip breakfast amd had lunch.

People are focussing on the food too much and jumped straight on the food.

I actually didnt mind the food bit.

Its being asked for £40 petrol for one day in the car that I chose. The rest of the time I was on public transport.

The petrol is what I was upset at mainly when 3 days out of 5 I was on trains and buses paying my.own fare.

OP posts:
WasIAFreeloader · 24/08/2017 13:16

Just chalk it up as one of those things and don't ever go on a proper holiday with her as you won't enjoy it.

She is a holiday buddy.

We've been away abroad 3 times. But om those occasions we were fine.

Maybe it is because it was home for her and holiday for me that we didnt synch well.

OP posts:
Shadow666 · 24/08/2017 13:16

She sounds a bit Bridget Jones-y. She probably does just eat out all the time and just buys in treats. It just sounds like you aren't really compatible.

Christmastree43 · 24/08/2017 13:17

Lol hully

WasIAFreeloader · 24/08/2017 13:17

Anyway a mix of i a yabu and yanbu.

So i will just chalk it up to experience amd let it go.

Thanks all.

OP posts:
StarHeartDiamond · 24/08/2017 13:18

I think she's a poor host on that she should have stocked up on food to welcome you and then you should have split the alcohol between you. You should probably have brought a bottle with you and paid for one extra lunch or so during the trip.

In terms of activities it sound like you are totally mismatched. She probably wanted to just hang out, watching films, late nights and lazy starts to the day whereas you wanted a sightseeing trip using her house as a base. You should have said beforehand "I really want to see this/do that" but just one or two things and let the days happen naturally. It's more about spending time with your friend as much as getting the trips in. Maybe she felt resentful that you were more interested in sightseeing then just hanging out with her. But she should have stocked up the larder and fridge before your arrival. She definitely was cheeky with that.

StarHeartDiamond · 24/08/2017 13:20

Re the petrol, I'd have said "I think £20 should be fine as I've mainly been on buses and trains, haven't I?"

KindleBueno · 24/08/2017 13:21

70 quid for bed and board for 5 days is nothing so I think you're being unreasonable.

Motoko · 24/08/2017 13:23

I think Justdon'tknow4321 is a little over invested in this thread.

OP, your friend wasn't a good host. I can understand why you're miffed at having to pay her 70 odd quid. £40 is roughly a full tank of petrol on an average car, probably about 300-400 miles worth. It doesn't sound like the trips for you would have used up that much.
If she was a decent person, she should have given you some money back for the groceries you didn't use.

At least you know for next time she invites you. If you still want to see her, I'd suggest you stay in a b&b.

StarHeartDiamond · 24/08/2017 13:23

Kindle - op didn't eat that much food or use that much petrol though so she didn't use as much as £70 Confused

WasIAFreeloader · 24/08/2017 13:23

She invited me. I never ever would have asked and said she needed the company as was struggling to adjust to living there

It wasnt me demanding free board and lodging and that she host me. So that isnt a factor.

OP posts:
krustykittens · 24/08/2017 13:30

YANBU. To do a supermarket shop as soon as a guest arrived and then ask them to contribute is downright rude. Asking for the equivalent of a full tank of petrol is rude. She is ignorant, OP, don't stay there again. I had a friend visit recently with her daughter for three days. She drove three hours to get here, arrived with flowers and wine, both of them fed and watered by us, driven everywhere by us and we took turns if we ate out. That's the way it should be. I know she will do the same for me when we visit, with two children in tow. You were an invited guest, not a lodger.

MatildaTheCat · 24/08/2017 13:31

She's a very poor host and sounds as if she was treating you as a house mate rather than a guest. She also sounds broke.

Clock it up to experience and leave it. Or possibly ask her for half your flight money since she was so keen for you to visit? Grin

Petalflowers · 24/08/2017 13:38

I think she was rude and not a very good host. I wouldn't ask guests to,pay for food if they were coming for a week, or even longer. It's nice if they bring alcohol or chocolates, but not essential.

WasIAFreeloader · 24/08/2017 13:40

I suggested i do trips alone before i went as I was mindful of not using her.

She said hell no, she wants to explore just having moved and I am good at being a tour guide. She asked me to come up with places to go.

Then I get a full tank of petrol to pay despite her wanting to come along, choosing somewhere I didnt want to go on one day and being on trains for 3 out of 5 days.

OP posts:
PollyFlint · 24/08/2017 13:42

I personally wouldn't take visiting friends to the supermarket and then ask them to contribute to what I'd bought - but having said that, I've never had a friend come to stay without them bringing a bottle or two and some chocolates or flowers for me. Did you bring her anything?

Everything else you've said (counting up what you did/didn't eat, moaning about paying public transport fares, being annoyed that your host doesn't get up as early as you, checking the date on her teabags) just sounds petty to me.

She does things differently to you, so you're not compatible as house guests. It's a shame, but no big deal. Being 'hurt' is a bit of an overreaction I think.

WasIAFreeloader · 24/08/2017 13:45

Yes I brought something at the airport duty free for her. I brought a bottle at duty free when I landed as I couldn't buy it before as i hand hand baggage only and would blow the fluid limit with a bottle of alcohol and flowers would have arrived destroyed after traipsing on and off air craft.

She loves bombay sapphire so i bought that for her.

OP posts:
WasIAFreeloader · 24/08/2017 13:47

moaning about paying public transport fares

I am NOT moaning about paying for public transport.

Fgs can you lot read a thread properly.

Trian fares i expected. Totally happy. To be asked for £40 just before I left for petrol when I was hardly in the sodding car for most of the trip was the surprise for me.

I fully expected train fares etc.

OP posts:
Papafran · 24/08/2017 13:51

Some people are just weird. I would give her the money and then be forever busy in the future. I would expect a guest to pay for her own public transport and lunches and food out, but I would buy everything we ate in the house and would never ask for petrol money unless she asked to go somewhere that was literally hours away and actually involved using a whole tank of petrol.

I would also never stay or ask someone to stay for 10 days. I only do short visits- 2-3 nights max.

SheSparkles · 24/08/2017 14:07

I hear what you're saying and don't think you're unreasonable feeling a bit disgruntled.
I had a similar-ish experience a wee while ago, although I was the host. I always have food/wine in the house for the family, so feeding an extra 1 wasn't an issue. What was an issue was the full tank of petrol it cost me to take her to and from the airport at each end of her stay, and the horrific cost of airport parking-which was made all the worse by her not telling me that she'd changed her mind about not bringing checked in luggage-so the short stay car park cost me £18!!
We went out for a few meals and coffees while she was here and she managed to disappear every time a bill came to the table!
For the record she isn't short of a bob!
It's made me totally re-evaluate our friendship, because of what had happened with that visit, I started to think back over other visits, and have realised that I've never had an actual invitation to stay with her! There won't be any more invitations from me, and if she asks to come for a visit (she's not backward in coming forwards in this respect!) I'll be busy that year, until I've had an invitation from her!
Never mind a bottle of wine and a bunch of flowers, Indidnt even get a sodding coffee!!
It's a horrible feeling when you feel you've been taken a Loan of by a friend

Happydoingitjusttheonce · 24/08/2017 14:08

YANBU but lesson learnt. Tight arse friends are friendship killers. A good friend of mine hosted some drinks in her garden for her partners 50th. Just literally a drop in and have a drink or two from 3.30pm In true style, she'd made a tank of Pimms, set up a pop up bar and had got some lovely platters of sandwiches, purely for a nibble, and a cake. I took present for birthday chap, 1 champers and 1 wine. Tight arse mutual friend texts hostess saying "running late, can you put 2 plates of sandwiches aside" (for her and husband). Hostess makes clear she's not providing evening meal, but there'll be cake left. When tight arse arrives, she brings 3 mini bottles of rose wine. Proceeds to drink one then quaffs as much of Hostess's Esmerelda wine as she likes. When it was time to go, she went to the Hostess's fridge and took out the 2 unopened mini bottles she brought, and took them home. It was the straw that broke the camel's back for me with that friendship, a long history of questionable behaviour from tight arse but I was particularly upset in this instance at how she'd abused the Hostess's generosity. Another memorable event is her saying one particular year how she thought it best to celebrate her birthday with a house party to save money given close to Christmas. But she didn't mean her house, she was waiting for one of the friendship circle to offer. Whereupon she'd have done her usual of bringing a bottle of wine, her husband 4 cans but been the last to leave, beyond drunk. Also, she recently started minesweeping champagne that had been left out for evening guest arrivals to the wedding she'd been attending. This is the woman who goes on holiday and city breaks at least every 8 weeks. So that's how people afford it?

Right, got that off my chest

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