Hurt and upset with DH and MIL

[Freddofrog1983]

I had a MMC earlier this year and after finding out I lost the pregnancy my MIL said she would come to visit and to stay for a few days. My husband drove down to pick her up and she made excuses as to why she couldn't come so he came back on his own.

I ended up having a haemorrhage and blue lighted to hospital and I was very poorly with the blood loss. I was on my own as my husband had to stay with the children.

We hadn't been in touch with MIL since this happened and she sent a shitty letter a month or so ago and it's been on my husband's mind to speak to her.

Tonight I said why don't you call her. He has been going on about how he was going to have it out with her and tell her what was on his mind, not to have an arguement just to get things out in the open.

Well when he got on the phone she was talking about herself and her family then she was crying. My husband told her that I nearly died in hospital and I was on my own at the time and he couldn't be with me and she just changed the subject saying she hadn't felt great herself.

I know I'm probably being unreasonable but I feel so hurt and upset that she didn't even ask how I was but more so that my husband was being sympathetic to her and telling her it was alright as she was crying. When my husband phoned her I thought he was going to get everything out in the open but nothing has changed as the conversation was brought back to how she felt and DH said he wasn't going to upset a 70 year old woman. My judgement may be clouded as I lost my mum last year and I feel no one has my back so to speak and I feel so alone and isolated. I have just started medication for anxiety and I think half of it is to do with the grief of my mom's death and the miscarriage. My MIL has form for this but this time I really thought she would be there. Sorry I need to get it all out on here as I don't know what to say to DH now.

Your MIL is a world class narcissist and your tragedy and illness was prime pickings for her to show her true colors. She couldn't handle the fact that all her son's attention would be on you, as it should have been, so she threw her fit and refused to come and help because there's no way in Hell is she going to be upstaged by ANYONE. She will never change, and I'm sure your husbands reaction to her is something he has been doing all his life - He tries to confront her, she gets hysterical with the tears and the "poor me" bullshit, so he backs down and gives in because he just doesn't know how to deal with her. Cut her out of your life.

Thanks Aquamarine, I knew there would be tears when he called her as she does it every time. She started talking about her own health and then about her ex husband's brother wife is now in a home! So random! Not one mention on how I was or how we were feeling after the loss.

I think I was more upset that my husband was so passive. I understand it is his mum and he is probably used to it but I just feel they can do and say what they like to me and he won't confront them so nothing ever changes.

Truthfully do you really believe anything would have changed if he had confronted her?

I am sorry that you had such a tough time but I don't think you will get the resolution you want with your MIL no matter what your DH says to her.

I totally understand how you're more upset with your husband. I would be, too. However, I do have some pity for him because he has probably been dealing with his narcissistic mother his entire life. At this point, his reactions to her are like a primal survival mechanism.

I'm so sorry for what you've been through and how much this has distressed you. Yes, she has behaved terribly.

However on the passivity of your husband - I think perhaps try to imagine things a little from how it must feel to him.

Think about how upset, drained and awful she makes you feel. Now imagine you've had that your entire life. And add into the confusion all the guilt and love and conflicting feelings you feel because it's your mum.

He probably froze a bit because the reality of what she does is very painful for him. I don't think it shows a lack of concern for you, more being overwhelmed by the situation and how it feels to have your own mother behave this way.

I know you want him to stick up for you, but what sort of support has he had to deal with having been raised by a narc mother? Because he may need a fair amount before he can gather the strength to cut her out.

Thanks for the replies, they make me understand more probably how my husband is feeling. I just feel so churned up, I feel sick. All of these months of my husband talking about it to me about what he was going to say and nothing. He said he wouldn't accept her tears as I did warn him she would cry which she did and all I heard was him telling her it's ok. I keep thinking back to when I went to hospital and not knowing what was happenening and how scared I felt. I still feel traumatised by what happened.

I second the fact she sounds like a narcissist, I wouldn't have anything to do with her if I were you.

Actually, it was you who pushed him to get back in touch. It sounds like he had been no contact since the incident. I sympathise. I do the same. I never learn. But no contact is really the best way to deal with these people, they won't ever change.

I did mention to him about phoning her. I think he felt I was the one stopping him and I didn't want want him to feel that.

It gets a bit confusing as there are a few birthdays quite close to each other but it was my middle child's birthday a couple a months ago and the day before the birthday she wrote the letter. She didn't send him a birthday card though. The next month was her birthday and my husband sent her a card. A week later was my husbands birthday and in the card she wrote asking when my middle child's birthday was as it wasn't on the birthday calendar. Yesterday was my eldest' birthday and she sent a card for that which prompted the phone call. I don't believe she forgot when my middle child's birthday was as she dropped herself in it just asking when his birthday was. She wouldn't have the other children's on the birthday calendar and not his. It's the lying I can't stand.

Over the last few months my husband has felt upset about having no contact with his mum and he has also felt angry. I see now after reading responses here he is probably conditioned to her behaviour. It's just that I said to him just tell her everything that is on your mind so you get it out and he said he would. I wasn't being harsh, just this kind of thing has been going on since our eldest was born 8 years ago and she always cries so he tells her it's okay which gets to me as it's not ok because it affects us all as we all have to live with my husband feeling fed up and going over the same old ground with no conclusion.

I have always given her the benefit of the doubt in the past even suggesting to him to ask her to come on holiday with us etc but this has crossed a line for me.

Paintingbynumbers, sorry I got carried away with my last post. I intend to go no contact. I'm not going to be speaking to her and I have told my husband that. I said he needs to do what is right for him but I don't want to speak to her because he did ask what he should do if she asked for me on the phone. She didn't even ask how I was so I think I'm safe there.

If you are feeling that there is no resolution to it then perhaps you are going to have to phone her yourself. You could ask that you have spent a lot of time thinking about this and to please allow you to speak before she replies to you. You could then write it all down. Yes you will be emotional, but at least everything will be out in the open.

You nearly died alone in hospital but yeah she didn't feel too good either...

yes, Aquamarine has this nailed. You can't reason with someone that far away with the fairies, just separating yourself and stepping away is the best you can do. Your husband's grown up with all the suppressed anger, hurt, fear of what she'll say or do if he upsets her and having to constantly try to earn the love of someone like this, he won't be able to be fully rational about her, she jumps up and down on too many of his buttons. Very glad however he's angry for you.

So sorry about your loss

OP I wonder if there's a bit more going on here rather than a mumsnet immediate 'shes just a narc'? Why not try to see this from another perspective? A few things jumped out at me- the 'random' mention of someone going into a home, the forgetting the birthday as it wasn't written down (unless you know and have seen it on the calendar yourself) suggests a woman who is worried she may be in early stages of dementia? Is this a possibility? The idea of looking after someone else may be worrying her if so and why she made excuses not to come. But I do see why that was sad for you. And for your loss.

I think if she had acknowledged what had gone on and shown some lever of empathy it wouldn't have been so bad but it didn't even register with her. It was just like all of them months passed and it was like a normal conversation.

Going off the subject briefly, is it normal when you go to hospital in ana mbance for the doctors to meet you at the ambulance when you come out as that is what I remember happening to me

It's a possibility Surfer, I haven't seen her calendar but I used to phone her frequently and she mentioned that she had the grandchildren written down on the calendar. In the letter that she sent to my husband she accused my husband of storming out when in reality he was just coming back to me as it was a 2 hour round trip and I was bleeding and alone with 3 children. She also put £10 in the envelope towards the petrol for the wasted journey.

It just means that the ambulance crew had pre warned the hospital you were very ill. On a separate note if you see a specialist you could maybe ask them to tell you what happened. It's useful to put the jigsaws together

I was thinking of doing that user, I think it would really help me as I would like one more baby but I'm terrified of it happening again.

I'm so sorry for what you have been through.

Your MIL sounds exactly like my mother, who has NPD. She went low contact with me when I had a disabled child, as she couldn't cope wth not being the centre of attention. She would pull stunts EXACTLY like your MIL.

In the end I had to go NC with her, for my own sanity. I only got the strength to do this when I understood that she was emotionally abusing my children during the limited contact she had.

My mother is definitely suffering from more lack of empathy as she ages. Much more self centered. To be honest though, i think the aging process is just excaserbating a pre existing character trait.

Sounds like the same goes for your MIL OP

This book might help. I've seen it recommended a few times.
www.amazon.co.uk/Toxic-Laws-Strategies-Protecting-Marriage/dp/0060507853/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=&tag=mumsnetforum-21

The fact that someone has written a book on the subject shows that it is not an uncommon problem. She has also written a Toxic Parents book but I do know if your DH would read it.

I know mixed in with all of this is the grief I feel over losing my own mum, she would have been there for us. I don't have any living parents and I'm an only child so I only have my husband and children. I have never felt as alone in life as I do now and deep down no matter what goes on and is said my husband will always defend his mum which I suppose is normal but I just feel who cares about me? I know it sounds ridiculous. I know it's the grief, the miscarriage and MIL lack of care all rolled into one.

Thanks Chaz for the link I will have a look at that.

I think I remember your last thread, OP. Were you trying to find alternative childcare for a long time, and your MIL was giving you the runaround?

What do you think is up with your MIL? On threads like this where NPD is mentioned as an option people will often suggest either alzheimers or aspergers as an alternative but IME in real life the difference is glaringly obvious. And to quote my favourite NPD guru, Richard Grannon: if someone's being a dick, they're a dick. The diagnosis doesn't matter so much as learning not to expect them to change.

It sounds like your MIL ignores you all if she's not the centre of attention - believe it or not it could be worse, she could be the type to turn up in the middle of your crises and make it all about her. And your DH would probably go into overdrive managing her. It's very hard to break the habits of a lifetime.

If she just goes back to ignoring you all and your DH is OK with that, I would count that as a win. You both deserve better, of course you do, but you won't get it. Being ignored is the best you can hope for.

I wonder if it would help to try and get your DH to open up about this stuff? It sounds like he might not be content to let it lie. I'd recommend him reading Toxic Parents or tell him he'd be very welcome on Stately Homes - you too!

Ah cross-post with chaz!

There is no point trying to reason with your MIL, or trying to talk about what happened. She will never listen, she will never acknowledge. She will always turn on the tears and try to manipulate you.

Put strategies in place so that you and your husband know how you're going to deal with her in future, and stick to them. Captain Awkward's website is a great place to learn about doing this.

I'm so sorry you have had such an awful time. I do hope things get better. But when they do it will be because you and your husband are working things out between you, and not because your MIL has changed--because she won't. I'm so sorry.