Hurt and upset with DH and MIL

[Freddofrog1983]

I had a MMC earlier this year and after finding out I lost the pregnancy my MIL said she would come to visit and to stay for a few days. My husband drove down to pick her up and she made excuses as to why she couldn't come so he came back on his own.

I ended up having a haemorrhage and blue lighted to hospital and I was very poorly with the blood loss. I was on my own as my husband had to stay with the children.

We hadn't been in touch with MIL since this happened and she sent a shitty letter a month or so ago and it's been on my husband's mind to speak to her.

Tonight I said why don't you call her. He has been going on about how he was going to have it out with her and tell her what was on his mind, not to have an arguement just to get things out in the open.

Well when he got on the phone she was talking about herself and her family then she was crying. My husband told her that I nearly died in hospital and I was on my own at the time and he couldn't be with me and she just changed the subject saying she hadn't felt great herself.

I know I'm probably being unreasonable but I feel so hurt and upset that she didn't even ask how I was but more so that my husband was being sympathetic to her and telling her it was alright as she was crying. When my husband phoned her I thought he was going to get everything out in the open but nothing has changed as the conversation was brought back to how she felt and DH said he wasn't going to upset a 70 year old woman. My judgement may be clouded as I lost my mum last year and I feel no one has my back so to speak and I feel so alone and isolated. I have just started medication for anxiety and I think half of it is to do with the grief of my mom's death and the miscarriage. My MIL has form for this but this time I really thought she would be there. Sorry I need to get it all out on here as I don't know what to say to DH now.

Toomuch, that wasn't me although I have mentioned this before but it does sound very similar.

I was thinking about what had changed since having children and I have come to realise it was probably how she always was. Before having children we used to visit and stay over every other week. The issue I had when children came along was Bil(who lives there) smokes in the house so I stopped going. Now I realise she doesn't respect our boundaries as parents where the children are concerned. We tried asking her to come out with us and dropping her back but she refused because we wouldn't go into the house.

I now realise that before children came along everything was going her way. She never visited us it was always us going to her and staying over. The only thing that has changed is we had children and this is when all of this behaviour has come out.She walked out of my second child's christening without even saying hello or goodbye to me. My husband only caught her by chance and went out into the car park asking why she was going and she said my BIL had to get back. When my husband said he would take her back later she told him not to make her choose between her two sons. That is just one of many similar examples.

That sounds really familiar. Once I had kids my mother went right off the deep end. I was so used to managing her moods that I did it without realising. Once we had kids most of our attention was on them and she would take the huff within about 10 minutes of getting to our house. It was bloody exhausting.

The only thing you can control is YOU.

Stop all contact. Stop expectations (ie birthday cards, help). If your DH wants to speak/see her then he does so on his own. And you don't want a debrief afterwards.

As others have said, some people never change. My DAunt is a narcissist. I knew when she was 'unhappy' with me as I wouldn't get a birthday or Christmas card. When my DCs came along she extended it to them too.

I went NC for 10 years until a family illness brought us back together, and I made the effort to visit her with a card and flowers on her birthdays - and for a few years we received cards in return (she's too old to visit us).

Tensions have returned and the cards have become intermittent, or sent to the wrong DC.

I wondered if this is due to her age, but it is the same pattern from years ago......

I really feel for you, that's all so difficult to deal with. Mil sounds horrific. I do see what PPs are saying about your dh and how difficult it would be for him to confront her. If he ever feels like he is able to get things out in the open, i would suggest he write it down, like a letter - but not to send - rather for him to read out to her. In my experience people react very badly to receiving actual letters/emails. But reading it out loud to her will ensure that he says the things he intends to. No (or v minimal) contact is also a good idea i think. Good luck.

I am sitting here in tears. My husband has just called me from work as I haven't spoken much today to him and he asked what's going on. I told him that I feel that the issues that were bothering over the last few months were not dealt with so nothing changes. He said I'm the one that's causing a division in the family and I need to get help. He also said I'm unforgiving and he is not going to have a go at a 79 year old woman. Funny that when she cries he softens and falls for the manipulation and when I'm upset he argues with me.

That is because he is torn. He can't argue with his DM, he has been programmed not to. You are asking him to do something he is not able to do, so he lashes out at you because he cannot lash out at her.

This may be a bit of a crap analogy but here goes

Imagine your DH has a phobia of spiders and you have a broken arm. There is a spider on your bed so you ask him to move it as you can't pick it up. He is then torn because he wants to help you but he can't because of his phobia. He gets more and more uncomfortable and stressed because he knows he should be able to handle the situation but can't. So eventually turns around and says well its your fault for not being able to pick up the spider because you were stupid enough to break your arm.

Of course he would be unreasonable but it's a sign of inner conflict not malice.

Thanks Chazs, it did make sense what you said. I have phoned him to have a brief chat I think we will probably have a proper chat later as we haven't really spoke since last night. I don't want to stop him speaking to his mum but I don't like feeling like this.

That's a good analogy Chaz.

OP, it seems clear that you H is not willing to get help for his own issues wth his mother. So all you can do is let him get on with it and have no contact with her yourself.

I'm not sure if it will help you to talk about it All over again. He's believed his whole life that she is always right and everyone else is wrong. Hes not going to change that without therapy or counselling .

If you force him to take sides he will always choose her and not you, as you have seen. I'm sorry, I know it's deeply upsetting .

Obviously you will have to agree with him about whether or not she should be allowed to see the baby. Remember she will treat any GC just the way she treats you, so be very very careful, she may abuse your child.