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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that DSD should not have let DS see unsuitable videos?**Title edited by MNHQ at OP's request**

45 replies

snarks · 23/08/2017 11:24

DSD (17) has been visiting us this last weekend. She lives a long way away and we don't see her very often. DS (8) worships her and is stuck to her side while she is with us. Generally she is very nice to him but, like most teenagers, tends to be glued to her phone.

After she had gone, DS told me about some videos he had seen on her phone. DS has SEN issues and not great at communicating but he told me that the videos were of a man and a lady and then mimed something odd (pointing to his willy etc). I tried to ask him more but he clammed up and I didn't want to upset him or make a big thing out of it.

I don't know for sure that he has seen something he shouldn't and if he has I don't really think she has done it deliberately. Apparently things like this get shared on group chat or snapchat or whatever. DH thinks I am making more of a big deal than is necessary but AIBU to think she should be a bit more careful when DS is around?

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 23/08/2017 11:28

It isn't a big deal, it's illegal, it comes under the "sexualisation of a child" and exposing them to sexual behaviour.

He shouldn't have free access to her phone and she should be careful about what she may be exposing him to.

If the genders were reversed and it was a young adult male exposing your DH's eight year old DD, would he still have the same reaction?

Birdsgottafly · 23/08/2017 11:29

It is a big deal, that should have said.

Original poster
snarks · 23/08/2017 11:30

I'm sure he would not have been happy if someone had let DSD see it when she was 8.
I think he thinks I'm overreacting because I'm not 100% sure what he saw.

OP posts:
Llanali · 23/08/2017 11:30

Hmm, is it likely she showed him or more likely he was a nosy 8 year old who looked at her phone?

I think you can ask her to be careful, but I'd be careful before you "blamed" her.

RedHelenB · 23/08/2017 11:31

Just ask her to be more careful no need to get too uptight about it.

grandOlejukeofYork · 23/08/2017 11:31

It's not a big deal yet since you actually have no idea what he may or may not have seen. So yabu to say that DSD should not have let him see porn when you don't know at all that she did.
And frankly I find it an odd conclusion to jump to without more information.

Original poster
snarks · 23/08/2017 11:32

I don't know whether we should say anything to her about it, especially seeing as we probably won't see her for months.

OP posts:
Booboobooboo84 · 23/08/2017 11:33

I think you should just ask her what videos he might have seen. He's not explicitly said that they were definitely sexual. Let's be honest some perfume and make up adverts can look pretty sexual. Why not just ask her?

Isadora2007 · 23/08/2017 11:33

Why can't you just ask dsd? Explain that her brother can't quite describe what it was he saw, but that it was worrying what he did see. Does she know what that could have been?
If she says it was something porn-y then maybe just ask if she can be careful he doesn't see similar again.

You don't want her to feel like she can't be normal with her brother and if he follows her around she may just tell him to go away if you make it sound like you think it's her fault. That would be a shame for both of them.

astoundedgoat · 23/08/2017 11:33

I would be furious. If she had stuff like that on her phone she had no business letting him near it or watch her watching adult videos (major WTF there). At 17 it is her responsibility to know what is on her devices, and I would be having a very unambiguous conversation with her about it.

Birdsgottafly · 23/08/2017 11:33

The issue with what gets shared on SC can be extreme, it isn't like finding a old style porn mag.

I think your DH should be asking her about it, she still needs a level of guidance.

The main point is that he needs to not be exposed to this, especially as he has SN, he needs to know and be helped to enforce his boundaries.

Birdsgottafly · 23/08/2017 11:35

She only sees her Dad every few months?

Original poster
snarks · 23/08/2017 11:35

I don't want to "blame" her. He was probably looking over her shoulder while she was on the phone.

It might sound like an odd conclusion to jump to, as I mentioned DS is not particularly verbal but does express himself if actions which looked odd to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
snarks · 23/08/2017 11:38

Yes she only sees her dad every few months (if that). There's a whole other thread to write on that subject.

He thinks just ask her to be careful when we next see her.

OP posts:
ChaChaChaCh4nges · 23/08/2017 11:41

He thinks just ask her to be careful when we next see her

I tend to agree.

ChaChaChaCh4nges · 23/08/2017 11:41

Purely because you won't be seeing her again for months.

Ameliablue · 23/08/2017 11:43

I would probably keep it fairly casual to start with but describe to her what your son said and ask her if she knows what he might have seen? Then depending on her response, suggest she is more careful.

Isadora2007 · 23/08/2017 11:44

She needs privacy from her brother though, and maybe some help in appropriate interaction for them? He shouldn't be looking over her shoulder and she shouldn't really be needing to be on her snapchat all the day when she only sees him once every few months.

Zaphodsotherhead · 23/08/2017 11:52

Could it have been music videos? Not sure why a 17 year old girl would be watching porn with her 8 year old SB looking over her shoulder (unless she'd opened a message without knowing what was in it..). Jumping to the conclusion that it was porn seems a bit odd, unless she has form for letting him see age-inappropriate stuff.

BoneyBackJefferson · 23/08/2017 11:57

You need to find out more before telling anybody off.

Given what is passable for music videos, it could be something appropriate for her but not for him.

crazyhorses3 · 23/08/2017 11:59

Why is she looking at porn anyway?

PollyFlint · 23/08/2017 11:59

I'm sure she didn't show it to him deliberately and I doubt she was actually watching it on purpose in his presence. She probably just opened an attachment or clicked on a link someone sent her as a joke.

If, as you say, he worships her and is stuck to her like glue and is nosing over her shoulder or wanting to grab her phone to play games, he will see things that are on her phone now and again. It happens.

You should indeed perhaps tell her to be careful what's on her phone when he's around ... but you should also teach him about privacy and not looking over people's shoulders at their private text/Snapchat/WhatsApp. No 17-year-old girl really wants/needs an 8-year-old boy sticking to them like a limpet - appreciate he doesn't see her very often but he does need to know when to give people space and you need to tell him if he struggles to understand that himself.

PollyFlint · 23/08/2017 12:03

Why is she looking at porn anyway?

  1. She's 17 years old and is interested in sex; it's hardly news that teenagers look at this stuff. Or did you think teenage girls don't have the same sort of sex drive as boys? She's beyond the age of consent and almost a legal adult.
  2. Her mates probably send clips,. pics and .gifs as jokes etc; this sort of thing gets shared all the time.
Ameliablue · 23/08/2017 12:04

She may not have actually been looking at porn, it could be something simple like not having filters set up on YouTube, so he accidently clicked on something inappropriate.

grandOlejukeofYork · 23/08/2017 12:04

Why is she looking at porn anyway?

We have no idea that she is! In all likelyhood, she wasn't at all.