to think that DSD should not have let DS see unsuitable videos?**Title edited by MNHQ at OP's request**

[snarks]

DSD (17) has been visiting us this last weekend. She lives a long way away and we don't see her very often. DS (8) worships her and is stuck to her side while she is with us. Generally she is very nice to him but, like most teenagers, tends to be glued to her phone.

After she had gone, DS told me about some videos he had seen on her phone. DS has SEN issues and not great at communicating but he told me that the videos were of a man and a lady and then mimed something odd (pointing to his willy etc). I tried to ask him more but he clammed up and I didn't want to upset him or make a big thing out of it.

I don't know for sure that he has seen something he shouldn't and if he has I don't really think she has done it deliberately. Apparently things like this get shared on group chat or snapchat or whatever. DH thinks I am making more of a big deal than is necessary but AIBU to think she should be a bit more careful when DS is around?

If the genders were reversed and it was a young adult male exposing your DH's eight year old DD, would he still have the same reaction?

If the "gender identities" were reversed, that would mean shit all. It is sex, not gender, which matters.

And a boy showing a girl misogynist shit IS very different from a girl showing a boy misogynist shit. Sure, encouraging a boy to be a misogynist is not cool, but it is not the same thing as making a girl hate herself.

It probably was just a misogynist music video, anyway.

It was probably grinding style of dancing in a music video. Just talk to her, FFS.

Lets face it, if this was a 17 year old boy and a young girl the repsonses would be very different........id want to know what the hell's going on. Vulnerable children ARE more at risk of sexual abuse from eitger sexes.

It is beyond innapropriate to sit around young children or in public areas and watch porn. Most people just don't, you need to find out how and why this happened and if she can't come up with a damn good answer contact the relevent authorities.

WE DON'T EVEN KNOW IT WAS PORN.

She was probably just watching a movie or something, I've no idea why you've jumped the the conclusion it was porn.

When she next stays just say DS is still very young & she needs to please be more careful what she's watching at your house. Tell her it will get him in trouble at school, and her Dad, if he starts talking about sex scenes he's seen.

It's possible she opened a message without realising the content and didn't react quick enough to stop him seeing. This almost happened to me yesterday when my 10yr old dd was sat next to me. I got a messenger icon to say my friend had sent me a message, opened it to a video of a giant pink cartoon penis running , supposedly in support of testicular cancer. Is it possible he saw something like that? I think all you can do is ask her and remind her that while it may be ok for her to see it can be confusing and worrying for your son and not appropriate for him to see so to please be careful.

You need to ask her, then you will know whether to address the issue, or shelve it. Your DS was trying to tell you something.

I don't think she was actually sat watching porn. I imagine it will have been a dodgy clip/gif someone has sent her. You are absolutely correct that I don't know it was porn. I am concluding that from what DS has told me. I've asked Mumsnet to change the title of the thread.

I can't "just ask her" because we walk on eggshells with her and have to be very careful. This is why I'm asking for opinions here before doing anything. I'm trying to walk a line between protecting DS and not being unfair to her. It's a difficult situation.

Could have been on snapchat. Could have been an annoying porn or cam site pop up ad that happens from time to time when looking at tv streaming sites etc.

I think you just need to let it go for now, then when she next comes to stay just ask her if she can please be a bit careful about what she opens when DS is there because he is too young to process some of what he's sees, like what the naked people were doing.

YANBU - she should have not been looking at porn whilst around an 8 year old child.

Why can't you ask her what she thinks he might have seen. Keep it calm.

Big age gaps do bring this problem. My dds aged 5 saw explicit stuff on MTV as older brothers had left it on in their room.

It happens. Just warm her to be careful no big deal

YANBU - she should have not been looking at porn whilst around an 8 year old child

She probably wasn't.

It could easily have been a music video, think of Blurred Lines and Miles Cyrus twerking.

Jesus have some posters just not seen what comes up on the internet or know any teenagers or see music videos!

I mean if her friend sent her a rude gif on a message and she opened the message not knowing what it was of and he saw ... that's hardly her fault...
If she deliberately showed him a porn film then that is wrong but I doubt any normal 17 yo would do that...
Have a chat with her? And have a chat with him about respecting people's privacy?

She may even have just been scrolling Fb and it showed up

@grandOlejukeofYork OP did make it sound like she was... but it doesn't seem as if she was now.

It was probably just a music video...

A complicated situation OP, I hope you get it sorted. Perhaps in this case, let her DF deal with it.