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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to consider splitting up?

48 replies

Zoe64 · 23/08/2017 10:16

My relationship with my DP has not been ok for years. I have tried to place blame in the past, but have yo-yo'd between thinking that he is rude, inconsiderate and bad tempered towards me, then that it is my fault because I am critical, tired and have gone off him. So I've suggested several times that we both make an effort to get on better and re-establish the relationship but neither of us manage to. He continues to be rude and dismissive - but expects me to make an effort in the bedroom - which I can't when I feel so fed up. So we don't get anywhere. Its an ever decreasing circle of him pissing me off, then me not wanting him, which then pisses him off etc. etc.

So, what I want to know is....is this a regular relationship? We have been together 16 years and have 2 children. I have spoken to 1 friend who says that he is the father of my children, I should not split with him and basically men are all the same.

Part of me wants to split and see where it takes me and the kids (who don't particularly like the fairly hostile environment), But then I think that he is their Dad, we are a family, and by being a mother I am not the most important person here. The children are my priority and I also care about him. I want everyone to be happy. I am not, he is not but wants to stay together, so does that mean I should disrupt their lives because of it? I sometimes think that I expect too much and should just try to make the best of things instead of always looking to change them.
Sorry, blithering now. What I really want to know is would you stay or go and why?

OP posts:

Oly5 · 23/08/2017 10:26

I think you both need to go to relate. This is not healthy for you or the kids. I understand you not wanting to make an effort in the bedroom when you're annoyed at him, but maybe you could both make an effort - him to be less grumpy and you to have more sex, which he clearly needs. Ask yourself if you love him anymore?
I certainly don't think stating together just for the kids is a good idea

ElspethFlashman · 23/08/2017 10:27

Why bother when there's little or no love?

LogicalPsycho · 23/08/2017 10:42

Part of me wants to split and see where it takes me and the kids (who don't particularly like the fairly hostile environment)

Based on that alone, I'd say splitting may be the better option, at least so you can see. It's better to have two separate and happy parents, than a couple miserable together.
Your DC won't thank you when they're adults for "staying together for the kids", believe me.

hellsbellsmelons · 23/08/2017 10:55

Trial separation might work.
Does he have somewhere he could go for a month or so?
Do you if he is the main carer?

PollyFlint · 23/08/2017 11:01

Your post suggests that everyone - you, your partner and your children - are unhappy with this situation. Staying together when you barely even seem to like each other, let alone love each other, isn't going to help your children.

You will only end up resenting each other - for example, if you find sex a chore that you don't want to go through (which is understandable if you don't have much love for your partner) and he feels rejected and unfancied (also understandable) that's a really unhealthy situation for you both to be in.

Original poster

Zoe64 · 23/08/2017 11:05

I looked in to Relate a couple of years ago and we just cant afford it (even with the discount). The trouble is that he will not entertain any talk of trial separation, splitting up etc. therefore if I do go for it then it has to be my decision which I am forcing on him and it will be a fight (even though he is clearly miserable with me!).

OP posts:

Whinesalot · 23/08/2017 11:08

It does sounds as if it's run its course. You've tried but it hasn't worked out. I think it's time to split.

Original poster

Zoe64 · 23/08/2017 11:08

Also, perhaps I should bother...try to please him in bed...try to be less critical. Perhaps that way the love will return and he will stop being so rude towards me?? However, I am tired and fed up and cant be bothered.

OP posts:

Original poster

Zoe64 · 23/08/2017 11:10

So then I should split with him and take away the kids home and security??

OP posts:

StoatofDisarray · 23/08/2017 11:20

Kids don't feel secure in a hostile atmosphere. TIme to leave.

StormTreader · 23/08/2017 11:21

"But then I think that he is their Dad, we are a family, and by being a mother I am not the most important person here. "

"Not the most important" doesnt mean you are UNimportant though.

If he is unhappy, then why do you think he wont entertain the idea of a trial separation or similar, what is he getting out of the current situation? If its that "he gets his washing done, meals cooked, kids looked after, and sometimes he can pressure you into sex you dont want" then you have to decide whether thats a role you can live with or not for the sake of "keeping the family together".

He says you have to "try more", how is he "trying more"?

Zaphodsotherhead · 23/08/2017 11:24

The kids will have their security, because you will be with them. They will be happy because you will be happy. As long as you communicate with them, tell them what's happening and why (in an age appropriate way), they will understand. And, if the atmosphere is as chilly as it sounds, they will find it a relief to be away from it.

They can still see their dad, after all, it's not as if you're going to take them to the moon.

Zaphodsotherhead · 23/08/2017 11:25

Oh, and I'd ditch the friend who basically said 'put up with it, all men are the same.' Hers might be, but they really aren't all like this. Her opinion is warped, she probably wishes she'd left years ago and now wants a partner in misery.

Boredbeforeievenbegan · 23/08/2017 11:28

try to please him in bed

Does he do the same? Does he try to please you in life?

Livingdiisgracefully · 23/08/2017 11:32

Please don't fall into the trap of believing that children are happier in tense, unhappy relationships. I used to pray that my parents would split up, it was so miserable. It taught me precisely nothing about compromise, negotiation, kindness and how to relate to others. It can lead to your children more easily getting into negative or even abusive relationships.

To resolve issues you need both parties to be willing. It's not just up to you to make more effort. You sound a bit depressed. Is there any chance you could get some counselling through your GP. It sounds like it could help you to negotiate your way forward. Don't be fobbed off with drugs, though or online counselling, you really need to be able to talk through your options.

AntiGrinch · 23/08/2017 11:38

If your DP is regularly grumpy and disrespectful towards you, it is not good for your children to see this.
When did this start? Was there a time when he was warmer and more respectful to you?

Original poster

Zoe64 · 23/08/2017 11:39

Would anyone recommend staying and trying again?

OP posts:

Alanna1 · 23/08/2017 11:41

You could look at counsellors separately through their online directory - about half the price of relate...

HerOtherHalf · 23/08/2017 11:42

I've never subscribed to the principle of staying together for the sake of the children. Where do we draw the line with this out-dated principle? Should women stay and endure physical abuse for the sake of the kids? Should they tolerate repeated infidelity for the sake of the kids? Should they tolerate being starved of love, affection and self-respect for the sake of the kids? Of course, it works both ways if you reverse the genders.

If the relationship is broken beyond repair and making you miserable your children will be impacted by that negatively. It ill also give them a very poor model for their own adult relationships. If you leave and build a new happier life for yourself they will adjust and the only reason they can't have a positive and fulfilling relationship with their dad is if he doesn't put the effort in, his problem not yours.

Ask yourself this hypothetical question. If you found out that your mother had been absolutely miserable for most of her marriage but had stuck it out for your sake, would you be grateful and think she did the right thing? Personally, I would be upset and wish she had not made such a terrible sacrifice for me.

Trampoline11 · 23/08/2017 11:44

Only if it's what you want. Sometimes I'm unhappy with myself for not trying harder to keep my family together, but at the time, I just didn't have the energy for marriage counselling etc. I always feel though that I took the easy way out but friends tell me that's just my guilty conscience and my children are happier not listening to all the bickering

Original poster

Zoe64 · 23/08/2017 11:45

Yes he's quite cold towards me. We don't communicate very well. We stay away from each other quite a lot and most things that I do say end up annoying him. I find it strange that he can walk through such a hostile environment and ask me for intimacy.

OP posts:

Ilikehappy · 23/08/2017 11:46

I wouldn't recommend staying in an unhappy relationship that won't be good for anyone, but I do think it's worth trying to sort things out if you think it can be done.

NobodyKnowsMeAtAll · 23/08/2017 11:48

OP, I am going to go against the grain here. Are you happy in any part of your life? Is there light and happiness (iyswim) anywhere. Or is all of it bleak and are you cannot seem to find much good? And please don't flame me anyone - am just trying to put a different spin on it.

The reason I ask is that I felt a little like you. Either critical of DH. Tired. Grumpy. Fed up with myself for being critical/grumpy etc. Guilty. Urgh. It seemed to go on a never ending cycle. I may have a few good days and then flump. No sex drive. Nada. Almost dead emotionally (apart from the negative shit). But not bad enough to feel like I was "depressed" iyswim (and suffered from depression before so know the difference). But just blah.

Then I came off the pill last summer. Good god. The difference has been scary. In a very positive way. The light has been switched back on. Sex drive back. Irritation/critical levels (both of DH and myself) gone down. Am more positive. Happier. DH and I are so much happier.

I do not think that this is the cure-all for everyone - and you may not even be on any kind of hormonal contraceptive. But I just wanted to throw it in there as something to think about. Just because some of your post resonated with me on how I was before I stopped taking the pill.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 23/08/2017 11:48

Whether you stay together or separate... It sounds as if the present situation MUST change!

When he's not being vile and rude... Do you actually ENJOY anything about being with him??

KimmySchmidt1 · 23/08/2017 11:51

I would recommend trying but you can't do it on your own - just like you wouldnt operate on your own brain tumour, there is no rational reason to think that you would be able to solve these issues on your own.

Go to Relate, and splash out on a good counsellor. It is way way cheaper than divorce (and heaven forbid you try and divide assets fairly if you're not even married).

If you are not a qualified therapist there is just no rational basis to think you will be competent at solving these complex emotional issues on your own - and even if you were, you would still need an honest broker to help you communicate effectively.

Smart, successful people use therapy in all kinds of ways - it is just like getting a personal trainer. So don't be small minded about it.

Of course, you both have to be open to listening and learning, but it is probably the best way to test if your partner is bothered enough to try and save the relationship.

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