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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to consider splitting up?

48 replies

Zoe64 · 23/08/2017 10:16

My relationship with my DP has not been ok for years. I have tried to place blame in the past, but have yo-yo'd between thinking that he is rude, inconsiderate and bad tempered towards me, then that it is my fault because I am critical, tired and have gone off him. So I've suggested several times that we both make an effort to get on better and re-establish the relationship but neither of us manage to. He continues to be rude and dismissive - but expects me to make an effort in the bedroom - which I can't when I feel so fed up. So we don't get anywhere. Its an ever decreasing circle of him pissing me off, then me not wanting him, which then pisses him off etc. etc.

So, what I want to know is....is this a regular relationship? We have been together 16 years and have 2 children. I have spoken to 1 friend who says that he is the father of my children, I should not split with him and basically men are all the same.

Part of me wants to split and see where it takes me and the kids (who don't particularly like the fairly hostile environment), But then I think that he is their Dad, we are a family, and by being a mother I am not the most important person here. The children are my priority and I also care about him. I want everyone to be happy. I am not, he is not but wants to stay together, so does that mean I should disrupt their lives because of it? I sometimes think that I expect too much and should just try to make the best of things instead of always looking to change them.
Sorry, blithering now. What I really want to know is would you stay or go and why?

OP posts:

KimmySchmidt1 · 23/08/2017 11:53

PS marriage is really really hard, it requires a lot of upkeep and tending and communication. Its not meant to be a Channing Tatum romance. I personally think people generally give up too easily. If you can't be bothered, why should he?

PretentiousMNUsername · 23/08/2017 11:54

I could've posted your OP a few years ago. I had a lot of resentment towards my DH who wasn't pulling his weight with our 2 DC even though we both work FT (he earns a lot more). We had a few terrible rows and then he changed - he pointed out he felt hated, I pointed out that I felt I was always on my own with the kids.

I'd give relate a go if your DH is willing, sometimes you can just develop really crappy communications patterns where nobody's needs are being met but you have to both want to try for each other and your DC's sake.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 23/08/2017 12:06

There are only so many times you can say 'let's both try', before you have to accept that things are not going to change. I think you know what you need to do, you're just hoping someone will tell you you're not allowed to so that you don't have to face it.

Pull on your Big Girl Pants & tell him it's over. No maybe, no let's try, no compromise. It's over & you need to work out how best to move forward with the house etc.

PretentiousMNUsername · 23/08/2017 12:41

sorry i saw you can't afford relate. Has your DH considered that he's depressed? A lot of the behaviour he describes fits with that. I do agree you can't go on like that, it sounds soul destroying.

TempusEejit · 23/08/2017 12:45

I doubt your DC would actually prefer the security of a hostile home atmosphere - how old are they (sorry if I missed this) and have they ever actually known any different?

My dad was a shouter and abusive but because it was my "normal" I'd have been terrified at the time at the thought of my parents separating. However I wish now with every fibre of my being that my mum had left my dad. My relationship with her has still not recovered even 25 years later and I now only see her once or twice a year at most (my choice, and even then only once dad had passed away - I had gone NC before then).

Humbugington · 23/08/2017 12:46

I agree with pretentious maybe your dp is depressed? I dont think it actually sounds like you want to split up though so for that reason alone i wouldnt split yet, have you spoke to your partner like you are speaking on here so he knows that you arent just blaming him and feel you could both do more? Maybe he feels like all his trying is getting no where and doesnt know you feel the same ? Sorry if youve tried those already.

QueSera · 23/08/2017 12:54

Everyone has their own opinion on this, but i am a firm believer that no one who is unhappy in a relationship should stay in that relationship purely 'for the children'. I think it's better for children when their parents have a chance of happiness. Happy parents make happy children, to me.
I dont mean just throw it all away - couples counselling is usually a good way to find out if theres a chance of turning things around (ive heard many bad experiences about Relate counsellors, so consider a private one - theyre bloody expensive, but otherwise youll never know if things could improve). Wishing you the best, whatever happens

MissBabbs · 23/08/2017 12:55

I would def try counselling even on your own if you can't afford for both of you. You are both in a rut of anger and criticism. Talking it through with an outsider can give a new viewpoint on it all.

QueSera · 23/08/2017 12:57

PS i would never be able to be intimate with someone who was being mean to me either! I dont think many people would want to!! What about going out together - do you do that, alone? Total cliche, but date nights are extremely valuable for connecting as a couple, rather than as parents/housemates/etc

MeMeMeMe123 · 23/08/2017 12:59

Agree with counselling to help unpick perspectives. Ultimately you both need to be very honest with eachother. In my case exDH just refused point blank to share his thinking or rationale and i almost lost my mind trying to bend myself to his ways.

Protect your heart and head and go to the painful places, talk things through. Reality turns out to be rarely as bad as we fear.

Good luck

Walkingtowork · 23/08/2017 13:01

I know couples counselling is expensive, but think of the costs involved in splitting. Also, you'll be able to look back and know that you did everything possible.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 23/08/2017 13:05

What does he say you should both do to fix the atmosphere?

Millieja · 23/08/2017 13:06

Leave him. I guarantee that once you've got used to it you'll be so glad you did

neverbee · 23/08/2017 13:22

It sounds like there's blame on both sides, and you know that. Life is hard and exhausting and difficult and that takes a toll on any relationship. Have you had any quality time together just the two of you away from the everyday? A childfree meal and a night in a hotel (not just a night at home where the cleaning and tidying and jobs around the house will always get in the way) for no reason other than to spend some time with each other to remind yourselves why you fell in love in the first place?

Skinnydecafflatte · 23/08/2017 15:56

I have no words of wisdom but blimey I had to read it twice because I'm in exactly the same position. Currently on holiday and another night where he got the hump with me, sulked all the way through dinner and made things uncomfortable, I then have to put on a cheery face for the kids. It's exhausting.when he's in a good mood we get on great but he's got such a short fuse.

Was wondering about counselling? I think he may be slightly depressed but then i show signs of it too which I guess is not a great combination. I'm getting so tired of all the fights that I just can't be bothered and I hate seeing the kids upset by it.

Sorry nothing useful to add but interested I think replies to this thread.

AdalindSchade · 23/08/2017 16:02

You don't like each other. Why on earth would you insist on staying together?

BottleBeach · 23/08/2017 16:57

he's quite cold towards me. We don't communicate very well. We stay away from each other quite a lot and most things that I do say end up annoying him

This is what your children are learning relationships are like. These are the standards they will set for themselves.

MeMeMeMe123 · 23/08/2017 17:17

I should add ex learned his PA behaviours from his parents. He still behaves like that too...it destroyed our marriage. I couldn't cope with it any longer. Empty promises and emotional distance do not a happy relationship make. I thought love, respect and kindness would help. It didn't.

PP's are right to warn that children learn what they live and are destined to repeat same behaviours as their parents unless big changes are made or they're pretty insightful.

Madwoman5 · 23/08/2017 17:35

You know what is your next move here. You need to be brave for both of you and end it whilst you are still civil for the sake of the kids who are already mirroring his behaviour. Yes, it will be tough but your (you, him and the kids) future happiness is the light at the end of the long tunnel. Relate is not an option because of cost and neither is talking as the communication channel has broken down. I feel so sad for you but you can be happy again. It is down to you now.

PenelopeChipShop · 23/08/2017 18:06

Wow your OP describes how my marriage has been for the last year or two. I had to reply as you may be able to take something from our decision. We have a lot in common - been together fifteen years, two kids (5 and 1) and have just got into this awful rut of him being completely emotionally detached and distant and me being snappy, critical, and resentful.

He made the decision to move out in May this year. I say he made the decision - at the time I didn't want him to go as I wanted us to work on the relationship, but we both agreed something had to be done, iyswim. Things had come to a head. So that was our decision, somewhat reluctantly by me, but anything was better than carrying on the way we were.

How do we feel now? Well my head is still all over the place. I feel heartbroken for all the happy times we had and for the future that we now might not have. It's been really, really hard. But on the plus side, he has been more engaged with the children, practically and emotionally, since he left than in the previous couple of years. I don't quite understand why but it's true.

And the one positive thing for me is that the constant resentment is gone. I'm no longer waiting for him to come in or call me or help with the kids - I know he isn't going to - or rather, we now have set times in the diary when he'll be there, rather than just taking the piss by leaving everything to me and doing what the hell he wanted to.

But in my heart of hearts I wish we had worked on things earlier before they got so bad. If your husband is still willing to try, that's what I would do. I can't describe how sad and panicky I feel at the thought of raising my children not in a family. Don't make your decision too hastily. You lose nothing by making an effort, you can still leave if it doesn't work out, but returning after you've left is much, much more difficult to do.

Original poster

Zoe64 · 23/08/2017 18:40

Thanks for your replies. I am probably going to have to split with him because I don't think we like or love each other. The trouble is that I am exhausted by it. But genuinely pleased to have so many of your opinions and understanding.

OP posts:

ILoveGreekCats · 23/08/2017 19:33

OP I am in exactly the same position. Married for 24 years. The last 5 have been awful. Luckily our kids are older 21 and 18 so are making their own way in life. Communication had totally broken down. We just coexist. Have nothing in common. He's also suffering from depression so I can't make any decisions just yet.I just can't be bothered anymore and am sick of his moods and criticism. Hope you come to some conclusion but you are definitely not alone. I also live in a foreign country so have no family support close by. Luckily I have really good friends to talk to!

MeMeMeMe123 · 23/08/2017 23:01

Penelope you ARE a family... be kind to yourself

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