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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To lose faith in the people I trusted the most

55 replies

Scrambledheads · 23/08/2017 09:06

Apologies that this may seem childish but I need opinions.
My best friend came over to my house last night, and told me that she had sent a snapchat to around ten people, and that list included the man I have been seeing for about four months.
This is not odd behaviour in itself because they were friends before I met him, and they work in the same office about one day a month.
Anyway, she went on to tell me that the snapchat she sent was a picture she'd taken in bed in a black lace nightie with one of those filters with the ears. Apparently the guy sent her a message the next morning saying 'nice nightie' with a laughing face, and my friend asked if he was taking the mick, to which he replied that he was giving her a compliment.
I should add that I broke up with my husband last year after I found him having sex with someone I know in my house. Obviously I don't trust anyone easily. The relationship between myself and the man is serious and exclusive, we are not official because I'm not divorced yet, my decision.
Anyway I got angry with the guy, said the comment was inappropriate and hung up on him, he turned up at my house saying he didn't think before texting and he apologised. He gave me his phone to read his messages (I didn't).
Best friend is angry at him for not speaking to her and trying to sort it out. She also accused me of taking his side and said we wouldn't be as close because the guy had pointed out that I didn't get these pictures so was I sure they weren't just sent to him. She said he'd made me doubt her intentions.
Honestly I don't know who trust. Was a snap like that in appropriate if it was sent to many people? Was his comment him trying to flirt? I said I'd step back if he wants her but he denied this and begged for my forgiveness. Should I just stop talking to both of them? I don't know if im overreacting, I doubt my own judgement because I know I have trust issues. Aibu to doubt them both?

OP posts:

Pengggwn · 23/08/2017 09:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SkafaceClaw · 23/08/2017 09:12

I fee for you. Why anyone would need to snapchat 10 people a picture of themselves in lacy underwear is beyond me!

She knows you guys are together right?
Are you all in the same social circle?
Why send it to him?

He should have ignored! Maybe he was being polite as she is your friend?

RebornSlippy · 23/08/2017 09:12

I don't think he has done anything wrong. He received a (stupid) snap chat and replied 'nice nightie'. Hardly sexting.

Your friend though... weird. So weird in so many ways. Why the fuck is she sending pictures of herself sprawled out on a bed in her lingerie? Who else had the pleasure? All men or were there women in there too? Were they also people she sees at work once a month?! As I said, weird.

SkafaceClaw · 23/08/2017 09:12

*feel

RebornSlippy · 23/08/2017 09:14

And just to say, yes it would have been better if he hadn't replied at all obviously. Maybe he was being polite or something? is there an etiquette in this sort of thing? You know him, OP, we don't. What do you think?

olderandnowiser · 23/08/2017 09:14

Firstly, I sympathise because I too had/have trust issues due to an ex deceiving me, so I know how it feels. And it never really goes away and it colours everything. Mine was years ago and I still have to fight the feelings at times.

I think that you need to let this go. Of itself it doesn't really amount to much one way or the other. I don't think it's worth losing friendship and DP over it. For yourself as much as them, you need to make amends and help them to be friends again. You can't go through life suspecting the worst all the time, it will drive you mad and lose you relationships.

Best wishes

SaucyJack · 23/08/2017 09:15

Your "friend" is trying to shitstir. Desperately.

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers · 23/08/2017 09:15

He's the innocent party here. I'd be more upset with my friend sending photos of herself in a black lace nightie, especially bearing in mind the Snapchat is basically inviting comments, to my boyfriend.

Laiste · 23/08/2017 09:17

Your friend is weird.

I feel old.

ChopinLisztFinder · 23/08/2017 09:18

She baited him and he fell for it.

"It's just an innocent photo of me in lingerie" said no person with good intentions, ever.

Grotbagswisp · 23/08/2017 09:22

Agreed, very strange of her and he shouldn't have responded.

ShatnersWig · 23/08/2017 09:22

She's the issue, not him.

LittleWingSoul · 23/08/2017 09:26

Grown ups do this sort of thing?!

The issue is the friend, OP, not the guy.

justilou1 · 23/08/2017 09:31

Sorry - but what kind of person sends their friend's man lingerie shots? Also - how old is she anyway? 15?

SparklingBollox · 23/08/2017 09:32

Yep, why on earth would someone send a picture of themselves in a lace nightie to 10 people. Especially someone a friend is seeing, it's very strange behaviour.

guiltybystander · 23/08/2017 09:32

Get rid of the "friend". Why she sent a black-lace-lingerie-in-bed pic to so many people is really strange. Is she 16?

Autumnleaves105 · 23/08/2017 09:32

Definitely agree your friend is to blame here.
He shouldn't have replied but maybe felt that he should bring her friend.
I don't necessarily think she likes him in that way. I think she's jealous that you two are together and she's trying to lord over the fact that they were friends before you were together. Her sending that message is not innocent and is manipulative, especially as she told you herself.
Carry on seeing this guy if you want to and just ignore her childish attempts to claim him as her own.

youhavetobekidding · 23/08/2017 09:36

Trust your instincts. It doesn't matter what strangers on the internet think. You know these people. We don't

gamerwidow · 23/08/2017 09:39

You're friend is a desperate attention seeking show off.
Yes he shouldn't have replied but there is nothing sexual in what he sent back.
I'd be keeping my distance from the friend she obviously needs attention at any cost!

HerOtherHalf · 23/08/2017 09:39

What on earth is a supposedly adult woman doing sending out selfies of herself in her nightie? She should have grown out of that sort of puerile nonsense in her teens. I feel sorry for your boyfriend. He's been caught up in a ridiculous situation between an immature friend and an insecure girlfriend. "Nice nightie" is hardly a comment of hanging offense proportions.

AnUtterIdiot · 23/08/2017 09:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhamBarsArentAsFizzyAsTheyWere · 23/08/2017 09:43

Your friend is a massive shit stirrer.

She sent the pic, then she went running to you to tell you about the response and completely downplayed her part in the whole thing. She clearly wanted a response of some kind or she wouldn't have sent it.

You have a friend issue.

I also feel old

Nikephorus · 23/08/2017 09:47

"It's just an innocent photo of me in lingerie" said no person with good intentions, ever
This ^^ Maybe keep the bloke, but ditch the "friend" pronto.

OoohSmooch · 23/08/2017 09:48

First of all, even though you have been cheated on before you need to take a step back and be calm. The worse thing you can do it cling onto an old lack of trust and bring that into a new relationship.

Next up....I have no idea why your friend would tell you that he sent that. It's silly and she's either stirring or really is that ignorant. The pic itself may only have a bit of her nightie in it so don't overthink her intentions on sending it too much, in this day and age, far too many people are up their own backsides or have a severe lack of self esteem so take selfie after selfie.

Your partners reply.....I wouldn't love it if my husband wrote that to one of his female friends but then I wouldn't react to it either. I also respext his female friendships. Flipping it the other way, if a male friend of mine sent me a pic where his pants could be seen I'd probably comment on them and mean absolutely nothing by it.

If you choose to be in a relationship then trust them always unless or until you have something not to trust them for. At that point it's game over and you don't stay with them.

Original poster

Scrambledheads · 23/08/2017 09:54

Snapchat isn't something I use often for this very reason. My friend is 29, DP is 32. He called this morning to reassure me that there is nothing going on, and told me that she has been messaging him asking why he isn't speaking to her and why he has made this problem about her. He has not replied and told me he won't. I didn't comment either way. She hasn't contacted me today.
I want to believe her because she's been a good friend to me previously but I'm more inclined to trust him than her despite knowing him for a much shorter time. I just can't think of a reason that she would sent it to him, as you apparently have to individually select the recipients of the picture so it's not like it was a mistake.
I feel really old, but also glad that I don't use Snapchat. He has deleted it, but I'm tempted to ask him to reinstall so I can see if she repeats this behaviour. Thank you for your comments so far.

OP posts:

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