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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To lose faith in the people I trusted the most

55 replies

Scrambledheads · 23/08/2017 09:06

Apologies that this may seem childish but I need opinions.
My best friend came over to my house last night, and told me that she had sent a snapchat to around ten people, and that list included the man I have been seeing for about four months.
This is not odd behaviour in itself because they were friends before I met him, and they work in the same office about one day a month.
Anyway, she went on to tell me that the snapchat she sent was a picture she'd taken in bed in a black lace nightie with one of those filters with the ears. Apparently the guy sent her a message the next morning saying 'nice nightie' with a laughing face, and my friend asked if he was taking the mick, to which he replied that he was giving her a compliment.
I should add that I broke up with my husband last year after I found him having sex with someone I know in my house. Obviously I don't trust anyone easily. The relationship between myself and the man is serious and exclusive, we are not official because I'm not divorced yet, my decision.
Anyway I got angry with the guy, said the comment was inappropriate and hung up on him, he turned up at my house saying he didn't think before texting and he apologised. He gave me his phone to read his messages (I didn't).
Best friend is angry at him for not speaking to her and trying to sort it out. She also accused me of taking his side and said we wouldn't be as close because the guy had pointed out that I didn't get these pictures so was I sure they weren't just sent to him. She said he'd made me doubt her intentions.
Honestly I don't know who trust. Was a snap like that in appropriate if it was sent to many people? Was his comment him trying to flirt? I said I'd step back if he wants her but he denied this and begged for my forgiveness. Should I just stop talking to both of them? I don't know if im overreacting, I doubt my own judgement because I know I have trust issues. Aibu to doubt them both?

OP posts:

KimmySchmidt1 · 23/08/2017 09:54

Your friend sounds insecure, lonely and sad. Sexting pictures of yourself to a bunch of men you vaguely know is really, really sad and pathetic.

Blame whoever invented Snapchat - Christ knows how many of this type of problem it has caused.

The chap you are seeing has apologised and offered to let you see his phone. I think he made a mistake but it sounds like the response was half joking rather than a full come-on. I think it is worth giving him a chance as long as you lay down the law.

I personally think your friend is a bit dangerous because she is insecure, and I think she must have known she was sexting your boyfriend. It is also bloody stupid to sext your own work colleagues. I think loneliness, jealousy and desperation for attention can make people unreliable friends. I think I would find it awkward to stay friends with someone who had sexted my DH to be honest.

BanyanTree · 23/08/2017 09:59

Is your friend 16, naive and in need of some parental supervision? Or is she older and just massively insecure and an attention seeker.

If the latter, dump her as a mate. Who needs friends sending pictures of themselves on a bed in lacy underwear to their partners?

Your bloke is a bit thick, but deserves a second chance. Men who want to keep girlfriends need to deal with unsolicited photos by texting back that they'd really rather not receive photos like that thanks.

StealthPolarBear · 23/08/2017 10:00

Lots of the time I wish I was young again. On threads like this I am thankful to be middle aged.

mummmy2017 · 23/08/2017 10:05

What would you think of your friend is she has arrived at his bedroom door in this outfit, she invaded his life by sending this photo, and I think he stupidly replied.
He was willing to let you read his phone, and said sorry.
She also go in to tell you about this before he has time to tell you she had sent it.
Perhaps knowing about you being cheated on the question should be WHY did she send him this picture to start with.

Pengggwn · 23/08/2017 10:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Elenasparkles · 23/08/2017 10:30

I would think it's the friend who is the issue far more than the partner. As everyone has said, he maybe was a bit naive but ultimately has realised very quickly it was the wrong thing to do, offered for you to see his phone and been apologising for said stupid behaviour (all actions that I think show on his part it was innocent)....As for your so called friend though....hmmm I think she has a bit of an issue, the photo sounds like it was intended to be provocative and the fact she told you does seem a bit shitstiring as his response wasn't overtly sexual and didn't necessarily warrant her needing to tell you (if it was unintentional she sent it to him) Seems she rather just wanted to let you to know he had replied and to maybe make you feel a little insecure. If it was an accident that she sent the pic to him a "normal" response would be to tell you but reassure/beg forgiveness for her own stupidity of sending it, especially if as such a "good" friend she is aware of your previous relationship issues. From what you've said it just seems very manipulative of her and I wouldn't trust her, though as the adage says "keep your friends close but your enemies closer" maybe be careful what you tell her about DP in the future, and keep an eye out for inappropriate behaviour on her part. As for DP i would chalk it up as a learning curve for you both and would make sure as previous posters have said, that you lay the law down with him and tell him exactly what you will and won't stand for, so there is no doubt in the future about what you deem as acceptable/innapropriate behaviour, and stick to it. If he messes up again then there's no excuse and same for the so called friend.

StormTreader · 23/08/2017 10:42

"My best friend came over to my house last night, and told me that she had sent a snapchat to around ten people, and that list included the man I have been seeing for about four months."

"The relationship between myself and the man is serious and exclusive, we are not official because I'm not divorced yet, my decision. "

My immediate read of this is:
Things are getting serious between you and your guy, and your best friend feels like she's losing your exclusive attention and doesnt like it. She sent that with the explicit purpose of trying to break you two up. She knows why your last marriage broke up, and sent this text because she knew how sensitive you are to any kind of sign of cheating, she then rushed round to be your "supportive friend" while loudly explaining why this all means your boyfriend is clearly up to no good.
She cant be trusted.

Toadinthehole · 23/08/2017 10:57

I'm male, and frankly I'd have been a bit creeped out by getting a snapchat like that. I certainly would not have responded. Weird.

Birdsgottafly · 23/08/2017 11:12

I think he thought WTF and sent the laughing face to show she's a joke.

If he was testing the waters, it would have been a wink face.

I'd take his as banter and her as a shitstiring immature dickhead who needs a dose of self respect.

dailydance · 23/08/2017 11:22

He should probably block her number. She is insecure, attention seeking and a drama queen who is testing the waters. Why are you friends?

BlondeB83 · 23/08/2017 11:22

Your friend is a knob, I feel sorry for the guy who was put in the awkward position.

AnnetteCurtains · 23/08/2017 11:29

She didn't get the response she wanted from your DP so she thought she'd come over and tell you about it either the pre-empt what he would tell you or to shit stir
Either way she's not a kind person
Your DP didn't ask her to send it

grandOlejukeofYork · 23/08/2017 11:35

He's the innocent party here

Hardly. If he was innocent he wouldn't have replied to a lingerie shot with his compliments.

SaucyJack · 23/08/2017 11:38

I don't agree with your interpretation at all jukeofYork. Sounds like he was just trying to make light of a very awkward situation to me.

grandOlejukeofYork · 23/08/2017 11:45

Up to you. He could easily have just ignored it, but he didn't. Or he could have sent a reply saying "WTF are you sending me lingerie shots for"?

If a male friend of yours sent you a picture of himself in bed in his tightie whities would you reply with "nice pants" and then tell him you're complimenting him?

Zaphodsotherhead · 23/08/2017 11:45

I actually think 'nice nightie' is quite a funny comment. She was angling for a 'nice tits' or 'bet you look better out of that costume!' and what she got was him complimenting her clothes...

I think the only other thing he could have done was ignore the picture, he didn't, and that was a wee lapse on his part, but maybe he's used to always responding to messages?

Agree with PPs who said keep the boyfriend, ditch the friend. You've already got trust issues and she's not going to help you with them at all if she pulls this kind of juvenile stunt (and then tells you about it, ffs, what kind of a 'friend' does that?).

AnnetteCurtains · 23/08/2017 11:48

That was my thought too zaph

SaucyJack · 23/08/2017 11:58

"If a male friend of yours sent you a picture of himself in bed in his tightie whities would you reply with "nice pants" and then tell him you're complimenting him?"

Erm, well- first I'd have to get my tweenager to show me how to use Snapchat.....

I dunno what I'd do in the extremely unlikelihood that one of my mates sent me a picture of himself in his underwear. Probably rip the piss in a far less subtle fashion than the OP's boyfriend did.

It's the behaviour of a complete and utter tosser really.

Coldkebab · 23/08/2017 12:07

Why would you photo yourself in a nightie and sen it to people anyway. Bless you, you have had a bad time of it. He sounds nice thou just made a mistake

LonginesPrime · 23/08/2017 12:18

.He has deleted it, but I'm tempted to ask him to reinstall so I can see if she repeats this behaviour.

Nooo! Don't get sucked into their ridiculous Snapchat world!!

My 16 year old daughter had a similar situation to you, OP. I told her it made her friend look weird and desperate and not to worry as they'll all grow out of it one day. Although reading about your 29-year-old friend behaving like a misguided schoolgirl is depressing.

FuckYouLinda · 23/08/2017 12:22

If it was an innocent photo, why weren't you included in the 10 men people she innocently sent it to?

She's a horrible friend. You send a sexy pic to blokes for attention. She is a horrible person if she targets men in serious relationships.

To me a smiley face in response was probably an effort to diffuse or bat her back in a nice way. Then she realised that he wouldn't play ball and that he might tell his partner so she rushed around to get her version in first.

I'd bin her off and keep him.

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 23/08/2017 12:25

It sounds like your DP was mostly taking the piss and he wasn't massively inappropriate.

Your friend however has serious issues and I'd be keeping her at arms length.

Original poster

Scrambledheads · 23/08/2017 15:29

Development today is that 'friend' has text dp four times, then sent an internal work email to ask why she's being ignored. I've received nothing. He told me he was going to reply and say that it should be forgotten about because he has to work with her and was that ok with me. I said that his course of action is his decision. In the cold light of day reading all your replies, i think I was angry at the wrong person and she has issues that I don't want to be part of. Sad to lose someone who was a close friend but she knows my history and has done something behind my back.

OP posts:

ShatnersWig · 23/08/2017 15:38

Yep, she's no friend as your update has shown.

SfaOkaySuperFurryAnimals · 23/08/2017 15:49

She made a play for him and was rejected, she is contacting him not you. If I were you i would be one friend lighter at this point...

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