Is it me or him?

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As the title says, I am after some advice of whether I am being unreasonable or is it my DH. I am feeling angry and shaking now so just after some points of view. What has precipitated this is today my DH went into work - asked me to pick DS1 up at 11.30 from sports event. I went with DS2 reluctantly (DS2 not me!), and when DS1 didn't appear texted husband to be told "sorry will be half an hour longer". We waited until 12.30 when DS1 appeared. Took both home who were fighting and made them lunch. Washed all DS1 kit as he's away tomorrow. Neither child lifted a finger. Made supper. DH came home after lunchtime and took the boys off swimming. Came home and had supper - I cleared up washed up etc no help from anyone. DH then wanted to watch a film. I got up to make a coffee for us both to which I was told I was "unbelievably selfish making so much noise". Gave DH his coffee to which he said it was in the wrong mug. I was pretty fed up by now so went upstairs without saying anything as I was upset. He has come upstairs (after film) shouting and gesticulating asking what is wrong with me and how can I behave like this. Was ibu or him. (He does NOTHING in the house, we both work full time, similar jobs and although I have sat down and explained he needs to help when I remind him he said he would help I am accused of nagging so it's easier to just do it). It makes me feel so unhappy and I don't know where to turn. I know that sounds dramatic but this sort of thing has been going on for too long and it is sapping my confidence and self belief. Sorry that was so long but just wondered if it was me???

Has he got a favourite mug? If yes smash it

So, he told you that you were being selfish making noise whilst making you both a coffee and complained his coffee was in the wrong mug? Your (not so) DH sounds like a prick. I would suggest he knows that your confidence and self belief is low and that is why he thinks he can get away with such awful behaviour towards you. Show him that he can't. Tell him he has upset you. I won't go as far to say LTB, but personally, if I was being spoken to like that I would be considering it.

In short, YANBU. Your H is.

YANBU he sounds pretty awful

YANBU he is totally wrong.

They are not your DS1 and DS2 anymore than they are his DS1 and DS2 so share equally.
Yuu share the house so share the work

The issue really isn't today. There are big underlying issues and little things like today spark them off

You need to think about the bigger picture, you're resentful, feel taken for granted etc

He's being a twat towards you, is he always like this.

He is.

Thank you so much for your replies - Quitelikely5 you have hit the nail on the head. He has not got a favourite mug, but dislikes ones without handles - I made sure it had a handle. I really don't know what to do - I try to talk rationally and calmly to him - to which his first response is to tell me to stop shouting (I don't). He shouts a lot and speaks to me horridly in front of DS's and then always says it's my fault as I'm unsupportive and don't understand how stressed he is.

He doesn't sound like a nice man. What are his good points?

Do you actually love him?

YANBU he sounds like a tosser.

How old are the kids? And how long has this bullshit of you waiting on them all been going on?

He's not coming across well. Any good points?

Has he got a favourite mug?

Yes, its the OP. What a stupid, selfish bastard.

Are you getting anything positive out of this relationship? What are his good points?

YANBU.

Your 2 DC are mimicking their DFs behaviour. He treats you like a servant and they are following suit.

This shouldn't continue because those kids will grow up thinking that women are only there to wait on them hand foot and finger.

I'd have a serious conversation with your DH including regime change, which involved all three of them pitching in and helping with daily tasks, not just for the next week.

Not blaming you, but it's easier to just do it is the reason he is telling you that you're a nag and giving you shit. Stand your ground!

Definitely smash the mug, or at the very least remove the handle (evil cackle)

Goodness, he sounds horrible.

He's fucking horrible.
Unfortunately he's leading by example and your DC will think it's appropriate to treat you like that.
Deal with it op.
Set some ground rules, get counselling, LTB.

I have asked for us both to go to counselling and he has said a flat no. Often when I try and talk he will shut me down and refuse to engage in talk. I know it's not good and my DC are rude to me, learnt behaviour but I am scared if I move out I'll lose any relationship I have with DC. I do love him but know it's not right how things are but feel powerless.

Op

You need to take back control of your life. You are not happy, your children are not witnessing what a marriage should be like.

Find your self worth and plan your escape route.

Doormats get walked over.
Don't be a doormat. Put your foot down on his sh1tty behaviour.

Wow you can't live like this.

Come on, honestly, if you had a daughter and she told you her day had been like that... what would you advise? How would you feel towards her husband?

He counts like a frightful bully and you sound very worn down by it all :-(

This is a terrible relationship, and a terrible example of a relationship for your two sons to watch. They are probably going to grow up treating their partners the same way

I don't think it's reasonable or indeed normal for one person to cook and clean up after unless that's been agreed and the cooking is split 50/50. Normally one person cooks and the other cleans up.

It is sad that the DC are following their dad's shitty lead. Do they get an allowance? It should be given only if they do their alotted chores for the week.