Is it me or him?

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As the title says, I am after some advice of whether I am being unreasonable or is it my DH. I am feeling angry and shaking now so just after some points of view. What has precipitated this is today my DH went into work - asked me to pick DS1 up at 11.30 from sports event. I went with DS2 reluctantly (DS2 not me!), and when DS1 didn't appear texted husband to be told "sorry will be half an hour longer". We waited until 12.30 when DS1 appeared. Took both home who were fighting and made them lunch. Washed all DS1 kit as he's away tomorrow. Neither child lifted a finger. Made supper. DH came home after lunchtime and took the boys off swimming. Came home and had supper - I cleared up washed up etc no help from anyone. DH then wanted to watch a film. I got up to make a coffee for us both to which I was told I was "unbelievably selfish making so much noise". Gave DH his coffee to which he said it was in the wrong mug. I was pretty fed up by now so went upstairs without saying anything as I was upset. He has come upstairs (after film) shouting and gesticulating asking what is wrong with me and how can I behave like this. Was ibu or him. (He does NOTHING in the house, we both work full time, similar jobs and although I have sat down and explained he needs to help when I remind him he said he would help I am accused of nagging so it's easier to just do it). It makes me feel so unhappy and I don't know where to turn. I know that sounds dramatic but this sort of thing has been going on for too long and it is sapping my confidence and self belief. Sorry that was so long but just wondered if it was me???

He would still be running his Willy under cold water if he was my man. That coffee would have been tipped in his lap before he could have finished telling me it was in the wrong bloody mug. What a spoiled brat of a man!

You won't lose your relationship with your kids. DH is a selfish prick and won't fight to have them living with him full time - as that would mean he would have to do pick up,s meals, washingkits etc, and not be "SUPER FUN DAD!!" The Dad that takes the kids to sporting events, swimming and watches films with them I can guarantee it.

Leave him. have the kds live with you.

But be aware that he will turn into Disney!Dad

You collected the children and took them home, made their lunch and washed a kit. You said the children didn't lift a finger, how old are they and did you ask them to do anything?

There's obviously more behind the scenes. Collecting a child, going home, making lunch, washing a kit, DH taking children swimming, you prepare dinner, you all eat, wash up then watch a film, make a coffee on a mug with a handle, I don't know, it just seems trivial to blow up over.

He was unreasonable for arguing over a cup (why do you have mugs/cups with no handles?) Which again suggests there is more to it than just today.

YANBU
But how old are your children? Did you ask them to help you?

It's You.
For putting up with all this!
Stop pandering to your DH. Demand some cooperation and respect. How dare he criticise you for the 'wrong' mug after you have made him a drink?
The more you stay quiet and wilt when he has a go at you the more he will do it. You have to start demanding some respect otherwise your boys will turn out the same as their dad.

It simply doesn't occur to kids to offer to lively a finger, especially if there's something fun to do (play games etc) - kids will think a school holiday is an actual holiday from doing anything at all .

Have you initiated discussions to start off with him explaining to you how stressed he is, rather than "I'm pissed off and I want you to hear all the reasons why" (I know that's not how you want the conversation to go, but it might be what he hears when you bring it up, even if you do want it to be an equal discussion)

Lively?! Lift

Coffee situation: he behaved awfully, totally unacceptable.

But if the dc didn't lift a finger, why didn't you ask them to, as the parent looking after them at that point?

Your dh today worked, plus did some childcare. It doesn't sound like you did much, unless I've missed something. If you do all the hw on the days when he's woh (fine and normal), doesn't he do all the hw when you are at work?

None of the above really excuses his shit behaviour over the coffee, but what would his side of this be?

I have to agree with Gottagetmoving although I can see how your self esteem is low and you feel trapped in a cycle of putting up with this shit. Remember, you do not need to put up with AT ALL.

Wrong mug!? I would have poured his straight down the sink after that comment. Your children are witnessing your DH treat you like this, is it any wonder they don't lift a finger to help you? Stop doing them favours until they start helping you out more. That goes for your DH too.

My children are 12 and 14. I did/ do ask them for help and they do nothing. I have sat down with DH and said I need help. Whether he is at work or not I do all the cooking/washing/ironing etc he does NO job regularly. At the start of the summer hols he agreed to do jobs and for the children to help. For a couple of days he helped and then when I asked him to help it was always "in a minute ". I realise writing this how feeble I sound but when I ask for help he just says how stressed he is with work and I'm a nag. He has made it clear if we separated children would be with him. He will not budge so what choice do I have?

He has made it clear if we separated children would be with him.

He doesn't get to decide that. What makes you think it's true?

My children are 12 and 14. I did/ do ask them for help and they do nothing.

He has made it clear if we separated children would be with him. He will not budge so what choice do I have

You have plenty of choice. First of all, you don't let your children get away with doing nothing. If they don't help you, things don't get done and they go without.

Secondly, your husband doesn't just get to decide who has the children if you separate. If custody is disputed, the family court will decide. You don't have to just accept what your husband tells you.

It is plainly obvious from everything that you've said (the stuff about being noisy making coffee and then saying it was in the wrong mug, too) that he is a nasty, controlling bully. This isn't a husband being a bit of a twat. This is abusive.

Currently, your sons who refuse to help when you ask them to are basically learning their behaviour from your husband and they will behave to their partners in the way that your husband does to you. Please try to break this cycle.

You don't have to accept what your husband tells you, whether it's about the mug he has his coffee in or where your children live if you split up. You don't have to accept your children's refusal to do as they're told. It's time to consider your position seriously or nothing will ever change.

Thank you so much for your messages - it makes me really sad when I read this and hardly recognise myself. I don't know where to start - I know in my heart he will never change but literally wouldn't know where to start if I wanted to leave. As regards children at that age I thought they get an opinion and would prefer him.

He has made it clear if we separated children would be with him.

He has made it clear if we separated children would be with him.

Until he realises he'll have to cook for them, clean up, take them places etc. it's all a load of emotional blackmail. the kids would be able to decide where they lived. he would have no choice about that.

If they are with him, who's cooking, cleaning, getting them around? Presumably the place will descend into anarchy fairly quickly.

Get some practical advice.

You don't ask them to help you, you tell them to help you

It isn't 'helping you'. It's not your hw. It's everyone's.
Draw up a list, divvy up the chores.
Give them ones that don't affect you - their own laundry for example.

(Although he sounds like a cock).

Your kids might prefer him until they realise that dinners do not magically appear and dirty clothes remain dirty..

What is he for?

Just hold on for a few days, things will get better, summer holiday are almost done.
Cook some stuff and leave it in the fridge so they can help themselves and when they ask tell them where it is, so it's there.
Don't make him drinks, when he asks why you don't tell him since you don't make it right your not going to do it so he can't complain.
Just do the things you need to do for yourself, and leave it for him to do. maybe when he asks why it's not done, tell him you are a wife not a slave and he promised to help and you don't want to nag.