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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

family holiday hell

37 replies

Lisajane2810 · 22/08/2017 11:28

my husband has been very ill lately and we are on holiday at his parens house in the south of france. yesterday my mil who get on well despite her manicness were booking a hotel and during this she insisted on phoning the hotel 3 times etc and when I got in the car with hubby had a moan and he had a massive go at me and I said at the time I should be able to sound off etc and he apologised. last night I sat out in the garden with daughter and when I came upstairs he asked me to use less loo roll apparently we have used too much. 3 rolls in 9 days???
dd and I started jokingly saying ok we will use 2 sheets a go etc and he just flipped saying I'm ungrateful just moped about his mum heard it all came upstairs and hes shouting around saying how dare I slag his family off and I'm just a bitch etc. this is not true as I'm actually much closer to him than my own family!
I feel that should be able to have a normal moan without it going further. he has basically said to his family I hate coming here and slag them off all the time. luckily his mum understands and has stuck up forme saying its just normal stuff and he shouldn't have repeated it but she is desperately trying to mediate and I'm going down the lake with dd as she is luckily taking us.
I feel trapped and let down by hubby. mil obviously wants us to makeup but it just turns to a row so she then sternly reminded me his days are probably numbered. he made it clear to me that they are his family and not me last night which I am so angry and hurt by as it was me at the hospital with him and crying myself t sleep whilst trying to work and we have the situation and the moment where he is always shouting at me that hes not well enough to work. I wouldn't care if he gave up work! I'm sitting here in tears feeling like I have no way of getting home and having the worst time ever

OP posts:

peekyboo · 22/08/2017 11:36

So sorry you're going through this x

It sounds like you've become the focus for all his negative feelings. I'm glad your MIL stood up for you, maybe once things feel a bit calmer you could have more of a talk with her?

Tbh, the way things are I'd be inclined to avoid your husband as much as possible as he seems to be looking for a fight.

MissionItsPossible · 22/08/2017 11:38

so she then sternly reminded me his days are probably numbered

what does this bit mean?

Qvar · 22/08/2017 11:40

Jesus Christ go home. Why are you putting yourself through this and why on earth do you live with such a grumpy cunt?

Original poster

Lisajane2810 · 22/08/2017 11:41

he has been ill for quite some time and he has a clotting condition and a clot in an artery in his heart. he has had a heart attack at some point which we found out through our solicitor! I really don't need her to remind me I live with it every day and support him whatever. when he was last in hospital his sister was over in france I was there all day every day.

OP posts:

LIZS · 22/08/2017 11:42

Do you live in UK normally? I'm not clear where the hotel came into things and how that triggered the behaviour?

Original poster

Lisajane2810 · 22/08/2017 11:42

I cant go home I don't drive and in middle of nowhere. x

OP posts:

MsVestibule · 22/08/2017 11:43

Your saving grace is that you have an understanding MIL! Not many people would be so gracious if they've found out their DIL was criticising them behind their back. (I'm not saying you were wrong to do this; most of us do but don't expect them to find out about it.)

I can't imagine why he would say 'they're my family, not you', though. I imagine that dealing with a serious illness has been extremely stressful for both of you - has it affected your relationship very badly, or we're things a bit rocky before this?

liz70 · 22/08/2017 11:43

I think it means that OH's DH is very seriously ill, possibly terminally? Sorry if I'm mistaken, but if not.

Original poster

Lisajane2810 · 22/08/2017 11:45

his mum drove me mad as she was booking us a hotel halfway home yes live in England. I wasvery appreciative of her booking and paying for it she just drove me mad phoning them 3 times and she almost acts like youre incapable its not a new thing! I love her anyway I was just sounding off which I feel I should be able to do to my own husband

OP posts:

liz70 · 22/08/2017 11:47

Sorry, cross posted; my posts are very slow appearing.

HerOtherHalf · 22/08/2017 11:54

Why did it bother you how many times she phoned the hotel? It doesn't sound like anything that has an impact on you but maybe there's more to it. I suspect there's right and wrong on both sides, as is often the case. Having a loved one with a serious illness is incredibly stressful, as can be holidays, as can be visits to a partner's family. Is the stress just getting to you all and you're turning on each other?

ClemDanfango · 22/08/2017 11:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dollydaydream114 · 22/08/2017 11:55

she just drove me mad phoning them 3 times

I don't understand why it matters to you how many times she phones a hotel. You say you should be able to sound off to your own husband ... but does anyone really want to hear a rant over a tiny thing, about their own mum?! Particularly when they have a heart condition that probably isn't helped by stress and tension? I can see why your husband was annoyed.

You sound quite easily wound up to be honest. Are you always like this or could maybe other stresses, e.g. your husband's illness, be getting to you and affecting your reactions?

At the moment, it sounds like you and your husband are both overreacting to small things and sniping at each other constantly. Given his health situation, that can't be good for either of you and being in the company of his family probably isn't helping. It sounds like you're both tense (understandable, given what you've been through with your husband's health). Could some counselling as a couple help, when you get back home?

Appreciate you might need to sound off but doing this to your ill husband about his own mum isn't ideal. You need another outlet.

Original poster

Lisajane2810 · 22/08/2017 11:57

it was just that she didn't believe that the original room was cancelled and phoned them back to heck just silly really and it wasn't a big thing. at the time it just took ages and was much more stressful than needed to be!

OP posts:

Foslady · 22/08/2017 11:58

Could it be the heart attack - my dad became shorter tempered after he had his.
Also agree that you appear to have become his sounding off board - after all you are the one who is there with him throughout all.

I'd grit my teeth as much as I could and wait till you're back home (with you being stuck at the moment) and then look at the situation - not easy I know, been in similar.....

GreenTulips · 22/08/2017 12:01

Well maybe the attention is all about her DH and OP has to suppress a lot of feelings and thoughts and this is a minion rant in the scheme of things - the anger has to come out somewhere otherwise it eats at you

He shouldnt have betrayed her trust and ranted about loo roll, he could just go and buy some same as normal people

ShoesHaveSouls · 22/08/2017 12:03

OP, I think all these arguments are caused by the stress (on all of you) of your DH's illness. Take care of yourself

Neolara · 22/08/2017 12:05

Your dh being so ill sounds like it must have been incredibly stressful for all of you. I wonder if your dh is behaving in this way because he is struggling to cope with recent events? Something about the shock of facing his mortality? Or is this kind of behaviour normal for him? I would imagine it's pretty normal for usual family dynamics to be absolutely knocked for 6 by someone facing a life threatening condition. I don't know what to suggest. Maybe try and talk to your dh about how he's feeling about his illness? (although I'm sure you've already done this)

highinthesky · 22/08/2017 12:08

This is a difficult situation. Just remember that your DH is understandably stressed by his condition, and that you are under your in-laws roof atm.

No-on is perfect but wise up to who your friends are. It sounds to me like your MIL is on your side.

OneInEight · 22/08/2017 12:23

Only in Little Women does serious illness turn you and your family into Saints. In our family it made me and dh very irritable and bad tempered. Be kind to yourselves.

Willow2017 · 22/08/2017 12:24

I would explain to your Mil about the loo roll remark and how he blew it all out of proportion. Reassure her you are not complaining about her or the holiday Tec but he seems t8 be spoling for a fight with everything you say and you are fed up with it. I am sure she will understand she sounds pretty clued up on him.

I would tell him that if he had nothing pleasant to say to you then don't day anything at all for the rest of the day.

He may be stressed but he needs to know you are not his whipping boy.

Once its blown over you could have a proper chat about the illness and it's effects on both of you.

GotToGetMyFingerOut · 22/08/2017 12:32

So you are staying at your mil and she was booking and paying for a hotel for you all for halfway home. Then you got in the car and bitched about her to your husband, her son?

Yabu for doing that when she was helping you out and he is ill. Sure he doesn't need to hear negativity about his mum. He's being unreasonable screaming about toilet roll and telling his mum what you said.

It does sound like you are all just feeling a bit stressed out.

Butteredparsnip1ps · 22/08/2017 12:39

Only in Little Women does serious illness turn you and your family into Saints. In our family it made me and dh very irritable and bad tempered. Be kind to yourselves

This is so very true.

Did your DH have any kind of cardiac rehab ? I'm wondering not, from your phrase that you found out via a solicitor. Perhaps something to follow up with his GP when you're home. Most people run a gamut of emotions after a heart attack. I'm guessing the holiday has brought these to a crescendo. It's not you, OP

highinthesky · 22/08/2017 12:47

Its not actually about TP though is it. The tinder was smoldering already....

WhereYouLeftIt · 22/08/2017 12:47

"He may be stressed but he needs to know you are not his whipping boy."

^^ This

Sometimes, people can get into a loop of behaviour, and for their sake (and the sake of those around them) they need to be brought up short about it.

He's been ill. We are all inclined to cut people who are ill a bit of slack, sweep any unreasonableness under the carpet - because 'they're ill'. But for some people, instead of being grateful for others being kind, it seems to bring about an expectation, an entitlement to continue the behaviour and have it excused. I don't think this is good for the ill person - it kind of encourages them to wallow in their illness IYSWIM. So, hard as it will be, I think you need to stop cutting him any slack at all. And tell your MIL what you are doing, because she's taking that path too ("she then sternly reminded me his days are probably numbered"). Point out to her it is counterproductive, driving this behaviour from him.

It will not be easy, but you need to calmly and firmly point out to him that this behaviour is unacceptable, that you have been patient but that you now realise that this is not actually helping, and that he now needs to get a grip and behave like the husband and father he is.

I know it sounds harsh, but sometimes, and I think this is one such situation, harshness is actually kinder in the long run.

((hugs))

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