family holiday hell

[Lisajane2810]

my husband has been very ill lately and we are on holiday at his parens house in the south of france. yesterday my mil who get on well despite her manicness were booking a hotel and during this she insisted on phoning the hotel 3 times etc and when I got in the car with hubby had a moan and he had a massive go at me and I said at the time I should be able to sound off etc and he apologised. last night I sat out in the garden with daughter and when I came upstairs he asked me to use less loo roll apparently we have used too much. 3 rolls in 9 days???
dd and I started jokingly saying ok we will use 2 sheets a go etc and he just flipped saying I'm ungrateful just moped about his mum heard it all came upstairs and hes shouting around saying how dare I slag his family off and I'm just a bitch etc. this is not true as I'm actually much closer to him than my own family!
I feel that should be able to have a normal moan without it going further. he has basically said to his family I hate coming here and slag them off all the time. luckily his mum understands and has stuck up forme saying its just normal stuff and he shouldn't have repeated it but she is desperately trying to mediate and I'm going down the lake with dd as she is luckily taking us.
I feel trapped and let down by hubby. mil obviously wants us to makeup but it just turns to a row so she then sternly reminded me his days are probably numbered. he made it clear to me that they are his family and not me last night which I am so angry and hurt by as it was me at the hospital with him and crying myself t sleep whilst trying to work and we have the situation and the moment where he is always shouting at me that hes not well enough to work. I wouldn't care if he gave up work! I'm sitting here in tears feeling like I have no way of getting home and having the worst time ever

Can I ask; has he been put on statins? My partner went on these recently and he was an absolute nightmare, like a mad angry man, everything irritated him and we all had to walk on eggshells around him. He was constantly snapping at me and being really short tempered and rude. I looked up the list of side effects and this was on them. They increase testosterone so can make some men like a raging bull. He has stopped them now and was back to normal in a couple of days.

Your 'D'H is being an utter arse and his illness doesn't excuse that - thank goodness your MIL hasn't taken your (very reasonable), moans to heart and accepts that we all have a moan every now and again.

Do you really want to go home? If so, get a taxi to the station or get your DD to drive you and take a train, or fly. There are umpteen different ways to get home from the south of France that don't involve driving.

3 loo rolls in 9 days is a lot though!

3 loo rolls in 9 days is a lot though!

Not the French ones. They're tiny.

4 adults and a child it's really not a lot for 9 days

I'm glad to see you've taken some space. Your dh sounds scared and angry at the world. It's usual to take these things out on the ones we love most of all. It's not fair. But it's usually what happens. I understand you need to vent as well though and it isn't fair for him to deny this for you. Coming to terms with being chronically ill and/or dying can be very hard especially when it seems before your time. As for saying they're his family, not yours. I expect it's because he's very aware he shortly won't be alive any more to be with them and by laying claim to them, he's somehow protecting himself. He is recognising his need to be looked after and in this way, he becomes a child once more.

When things have calmed down, I would speak to him about his right and your right to vent.

Has DH had any form of counselling to do with the mental side of knowing he has, what is in effect, a terminal illness?

For cancer, Macmillan are great at things like that, but I'm not sure whether such a thing is available for other conditions? If so, it may be really worthwhile to look into it.

Knowing that your "days may be numbered" can change a person, even if only for a short time, while they come to terms with it all a bit more.

It certainly changed DM's outlook on life, she was angry at the injustice of it all. She was slightly younger than most of her friends, and all around her she could see people celebrating their 70th, 75th or even 80th birthdays when she knew that she would probably never make any of those herself. There was a huge "why me?" about it all. Illness is very unfair, very cruel, it's natural to have more anger for the world I think.

For DM, it was Macmillan who helped her - through just having that completely impartial, independent, person to talk too. Someone who understood (as much as another person ever really can). They also got her to concentrate on making whatever time she had left as happy as possible, and not raking over every little thing that had ever happened in the past (which she was doing).

It may also help you to have some counselling. Not because you need to change anything, but because you might benefit from someone impartial to chat to? To get things off your chest a bit, as it were?

It's finding a way to make him realise that he is completely out of order being a cunt to you - whilst being sensitive to the fact that it's him this illness is actually happening to. You wouldn't want any huge rows or anything just now I imagine.

Your MIL sounds great by the way - for both of you!

I'd get through 3 normal British sized loo rolls in 9 days all on my own. I have a sparkling clean bum. 😂

OP, I'd agree with all the posters who say that you are probably all a bit irritable and stressed and that you should all try and be kind and forgiving to one another. I know it's not the MN way to be passive about grumpy husbands but maybe this might be a time to hold back a little. He has been a hit and you should make sure he knows but I'd also try and move on IYSWIM

Not helpful for now, but is there any possibility of you learning to drive when you get home? It sounds like you will need to at some point.

Your MIL sounds lovely and yes people we love drive us mad sometimes and we should be able to sound off.

thankyou so much for the support. there has been lots of great advice. hubby has apologised for what he did and I think we do need to have a chat about what we do. we are both extremely stressed about him probably having to stp work. I have also thought that I usually deal with it all by being busy working obviously busy with our 13year old and general family life. being here mil doing everything has given me time to think about the reality of our situation. I will look into counselling and learning to drive. we live in a 2nd floor flat and he is obviously the main earner but I will worry about that when qe get home

we are also in the midst of a negligence claim against the hospital I used to work at and my family aren't supported s I feel quite alone at times. I don't want to talk to hubbys family as they areas worried as I and I find it hard being strong all the time. I might be more irritated by them than usual as where things are so bad the banter and chaos of all of us being together is so trivial like debating over what film to watch. I don't care!! im also worried as dd 13 hears snippets but I don't think she realises actually how ill he is as I want to protect her.