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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not let my DD see her father at this house

30 replies

saddlefish · 22/08/2017 11:03

My husband and I split earlier this year and since then he has been totally irresponsible regarding our 20 month DD. He was out of her life completely for several months , then after constant pushing saw her on and off every three weeks or so but I never knew from one day to the next if he was going to turn up. He has had at least 3 GF in this time that i know of as they are the ones that have contacted me asking why I am being so awful and not letting him see his daughter. Finally after the last one contacted me 10 days ago she dumped him and 3 days later I get a message to say he has now moved 50 miles away and is blissfully happy living with a woman and 5 children. Apparently they are very much in love and he now wants to have our daughter to stay and go on outings with her. I have since found out this woman was married but her husband died in June and she only buried him last month. my husband and hers have the same first name and only two letters different for the surname which I find very disturbing. They have said want to spoil my daughter rotten and cannot see the damage this will cause her. AIBU to not let my daughter go and stay even if this means her father will loose contact with her.

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 22/08/2017 11:09

Yabvu does not sound like enough grounds to stop contact. She still have to have a relationship we with her father.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/08/2017 11:12

He sounds crap, but in those circumstances you have to let yourcdd see him.

Bananamama1213 · 22/08/2017 11:13

I personally think YANBU.

She needs a relationship with her FATHER - not with whoever he's dating and her children.

Maybe if she was older but at only 20 months old, she will get very confused and 50 miles just seems too far for me.

Original poster

saddlefish · 22/08/2017 11:18

I'm happy for her to have a relationship with her father and im encouraging this and we have been to mediation in an attempt by me to get him to do this He constantly cancels on her. He should see her twice a week which he is not doing, but what I am saying is I do not think she should be going 50 miles away with him into a strange environment when she doesn't even really recognise him when he turns up.

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 22/08/2017 11:24

I can see, its too far and will be confusing for her. Hes not consistent. How can he do that, when he's does not maintain the contact he does have.

Qvar · 22/08/2017 11:27

Completely irrelevant to the living situation, which sounds safe, the fact that he cancels on her would tell me not to progress further with contact. If he's going to fuck off, best he does so now while she is still young enough to forget him, as I've witnessed the effects of that on a nine year old and it's unutterably distressing

Qvar · 22/08/2017 11:35

In fact I'd go as far as to gently engineer it. Fade him out softly from her life. Let him become Uncle Daddy, Occasion ProviderOf Sweets.

So what you do is you move contact to once a week but you have to make it sound like this is for His benefit, not your daughter's, as he will only kick back if he thinks he is being opposed. If he gave a shit about your daughter. He wouldn't cancel on her. Talk to him sweetly about travel costs etc. Don't lengthen each session though, and treat it like a visit to a relative - remain firmly in charge, and immovable on the subject of where home is.

Drop all expectations that he is going to ever provide anything except his occasional presence, and then you won't be disapppinted when he inevitably finds other uses for his time and money.

Dissemble on the subject of going fifty miles away to a house full of unknown, grief traumatised people. Maybe when she's not so clingy. Not making any firm plans, let's just see how it goes. She likes the little visits and she likes coming home to mum.

Questioningeverything · 22/08/2017 11:38

If ex dp moved in with someone he'd just met and had been bereaved and her dc I'd legitimately think he'd lost his mind. I'd be having serious words and refusing overnight access until he'd proven himself to be a reliable fixture in her life. Not acceptable to be wanting to confuse her.

Can you arrange short regular visits to build up their relationship with you around? See if he sticks to his promises. When he's been in the relationship for a while and his dps dc are used to him alone without his dd there, you're comfortable with his ability to care for her, then you can talk.

I feel most sorry for this woman's dc to be totally honest. They've just lost their dad and their mum in her grief has moved in the first bloke to sniff in her direction. They must be devastated

Slowcookerheaven · 22/08/2017 11:39

This wouldn't been seen as grounds to stop contact

Qvar · 22/08/2017 11:41

No you don't stop contact. You stop CHASING contact and they will naturally stop the contact themselves. Disinterested non resident parents always do.

Handsfull13 · 22/08/2017 11:44

If you want him to have a relationship with your daughter I would tell him he needs to become more consistent in her life before you allow him to introduce her to new people.
Get him to do small things with her like a trip to the park on a regular basis. If he can keep to that pattern without flaking and he is still with this woman after a few months then you will reassess letting him take your daughter to meet her and her family.
You aren't making any promises that you will definitely do it. But if your comments are anything to go by he won't keep to regular outings or still be with this woman

Original poster

saddlefish · 22/08/2017 11:45

I feel this will happen naturally anyway. I think she is a novelty to them at the moment. The last GF told me delightedly how she had to force him out of her house to come and see her, even then he couldn't manage it , reason being he "overslept"

OP posts:

MissionItsPossible · 22/08/2017 11:45

YANBU at all, I wouldn't want a child of mine to go and visit their dad at a house 50 miles away. I'd also be questioning the actions of someone moving someone in with their 5 children two months after their partner died.

Qvar · 22/08/2017 11:48

Let it fade. I know it's heart wrenching but it will be harder when she's older.

HerOtherHalf · 22/08/2017 11:57

You're doing your best to try and paint him as the wrong 'un and the truth may well be that he is not perfect. You come across as less than perfect as well however, judging his ability to parent on things that are not relevant. Your last point about him having a similar name to her late husband does not paint you as a rational person.

VestalVirgin · 22/08/2017 12:03

YANBU. This all sounds very weird, no environment to take a child to.

She needs a relationship with her FATHER

Why? Seriously, why?

Just because he is genetically related to her?

He doesn't seem to care much about her. And OP doesn't mention what sort of relationship he previously had with the child.

Qvar has it right. If he thinks OP wants to stop contact, he'll be difficult, but if he thinks it is nothing but his own disinterest and lazyness preventing him from seeing the child, he'll fade out without protest.

user1493413286 · 22/08/2017 12:12

I wouldn't be happy with him having her there; he barely knows the woman and it's not fair to introduce her to lots of different women.
I'd say to him that he can of course see your daughter but he needs to demonstrate consistency and commitment to this and in time it could progress to her going to visit them there.
Contact isn't about parents rights it's about what is best for children and from your post it seems that's your focus but he's all about himself. At 20 months without consistent contact your daughter is going to find it distressing suddenly going to stay with him.
If he isn't committed he'll demonstrate it either way.

highinthesky · 22/08/2017 12:14

Your poor DD is very young but she wll eventually work out for herself what and unreliable selfish article her father is. At which point she may wish to decide not to continue to be let down by him.

Carry on being the best parent you can.

Janeismymiddlename · 22/08/2017 12:27

I agree that from a court's point of view, there are no real grounds here for stopping contact. However, given the very young age of the OP's daughter (and therefore inability to speak for herself if she is unhappy or uncomfortable), I don't think you would be viewed as unreasonable to expect your ex to regularise contact in the first instance and then take a slow approach to introducing her to his new partner and her children. Overnights can be built up to over, say, a 3-6 month period.

As a caveat, I have concerns personally about the ability of any woman who is unable to put her own children first to give two hoots about someone else's children. The difficulty here is that the new partner is very much in the grieving stage following the death of her husband and is not making logical decisions which further adds to a difficult mix. I would hazard a guess she will wake up quite quickly and the relationship will be over which is all the more reason to just hold back and insist on regularising contact in the first instance.

OP - I would just ask him to turn up,regularly, alone, as has been agreed in mediation for the next month and say you would be happy to then review the situation with the help of a mediator. Accept the new partner but insist a relationship needs to be built prior to overnights. I don't think a judge would consider that unreasonable.

Bananamama1213 · 22/08/2017 12:58

@VestalVirgin

With that comment I meant that the relationship is with the dad, not whoever he is dating too.

The emphasis was supposed to be on the fact the relationship should be with him. He should take her out on his own - not 50 miles away.

I have two younger siblings who have crappy dads. I see how they react when they are cancelled on or when he doesn't care. It's not nice, so I do know that it's not needed.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/08/2017 13:23

Let it fade out naturally, I don't think he will make the effort. He hops from one woman to another, and lets your dd down all the time. This pushing for contact, might be from his current girlfriend. Mabey off her contact midway between where you live at a neutural location, if he keeps messing that about, forget it and let it fade.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/08/2017 13:24

He's got to prove himself to his dd and you, and that is what you will be telling him, he cannot waltz in and out of her life when it takes his fancy. set up a couple of contacts midway, so she can get to know him, if he lets her down, that's it.

KimmySchmidt1 · 22/08/2017 13:37

the only reasonable basis to not let her stay with him is if you have good reasons and evidence to think he is not able to look after her.

Everything else is just your feelings about him having lots of girlfriends and your judgements on the validity of his current relationship. None of that is anything to do with his ability to look after your daughter, and is all totally irrelevant.

A sensible, logical approach which puts your daughter's safety first is to say he can have her over to stay when he has had some experience looking after her for the afternoon, as it is a big responsibility having her to stay overnight.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/08/2017 13:54

First he's got to build up a relationship with her, and prove that he can be consistent and look after her.

Ttbb · 22/08/2017 14:09

I would stop

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