to not let my DD see her father at this house

[saddlefish]

My husband and I split earlier this year and since then he has been totally irresponsible regarding our 20 month DD. He was out of her life completely for several months , then after constant pushing saw her on and off every three weeks or so but I never knew from one day to the next if he was going to turn up. He has had at least 3 GF in this time that i know of as they are the ones that have contacted me asking why I am being so awful and not letting him see his daughter. Finally after the last one contacted me 10 days ago she dumped him and 3 days later I get a message to say he has now moved 50 miles away and is blissfully happy living with a woman and 5 children. Apparently they are very much in love and he now wants to have our daughter to stay and go on outings with her. I have since found out this woman was married but her husband died in June and she only buried him last month. my husband and hers have the same first name and only two letters different for the surname which I find very disturbing. They have said want to spoil my daughter rotten and cannot see the damage this will cause her. AIBU to not let my daughter go and stay even if this means her father will loose contact with her.

Yanbu he needs to develop a closer relationship with his daughter before he can expect her to stay over. I would suggest he has daytime access for a couple of month and sticks to plans. This will prove that he is serious about building a proper relationship it akso gives him time to see if his relationship with this woman is going to work. It is so sad that she doesnt recognise him but notbok for her to be away from you at such a young age overnight.in an unfamiliar house with unfamiliar people. If he does prove himself though it is unfair to prevent her from staying overnight with a dad she loves and trusts.

I don't understand the "must have a relationship with the Father" train of thought. Mine turned up sometimes, canceled frequently, would appear unannounced, lavish gifts, disappear for months on end culminating in no contact.
This was extremely bad for me and for my siblings. It left me with a lump of sadness and a sneaky suspicion that it was because I was not good enough not that he was not good enough IYSWIM. I can still feel what I felt as a child, a teenager and a young adult.
So I suggest that if he cannot behave like a good and decent man, protect her from that.

Yanbu, I wouldn't allow my child to stay in a house with 6 strangers. They're still strangers to her dad never mind to you.

Please do q contact centre for a few months until he proves him self other wise this will mess her up. Having to go stay with a. Man she barely knows along with another random woman and loads of kids she doesn't no! Make him go to a contact centre for a few months to show he is dedicated!

Those mentioning whether courts would see this as a reason to stop contact, I think that's irrelevant. If he can't be bothered to turn up to see his daughter I can't see him being bothered with taking things to court.

Like someone said upthread, don't stop contact, just stop chasing it. If he wants to make the effort, he needs to be the one to organise it. HIM, not his new GF, she has nothing to do with it. And you're under no obligation to send your Dd that far away, if he truly cares for his Dd, and isn't just doing this to show off to his new GF what a wonderful dad he is (which I suspect is the case) then he'll do what's best for her, not for him.

Which won't happen. Stick to your guns. You're the parent that your Dd can rely on, so you are the parent she needs.