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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

First time posting so be gentle but AIBU?

62 replies

Elenasparkles · 22/08/2017 10:50

Just want a general idea if I'm being unreasonable or not. The Ex (from hell) and I have a strained relationship, we try to shield DS from this as much as possible and mainly communicate via email/txt as tempers were constantly flaring. Have received a message from The Ex to say that he would like me to retroactively pay half of the cost of a passport he had issued to take DS abroad. Now in principle I have no problem splitting the cost as I obviously hope to take DS away at some point in the (very far off) future and would then need use of said passport to do this. However I think what bugs me is that The Ex has made a consistent point of never paying a penny more for DS than CSA demand he pay (we did have an arrangement between ourselves for the first year but post argument over divorce issues The Ex contacted CSA himself and asked to go through them, effectively dropping over £100), even to the point of asking me to give him his share of nappies out of a pack for his weekends, as he refused to buy any of his own, and if i didn't give him enough would then drive over 45 mins back to pick more up from me then to just buy his own packet!!! Now again I'm quite happy to support DS myself and never ask for anything additional from The Ex who is in full time, well paid employment and has managed to go on at least 2 holidays with new GF and her children this year alone, whilst im in part time employment and have been recently recovering from cancer and subsequent treatments. But him asking for me to pay back half of the passport I think is a little bit of a p*take as I have just spent put over £100 on DS new school uniform, coat, shoes, P.E kit etc and never asked him for a penny. So I suppose me question is if he expects me to pay half of the passport as this is an "additional expense" is it fair for me to ask for him to contribute half towards the cost of the school uniform? As this is an additional expense to my normal household expenditure ?!...Tia x

(Oh and he's also said that the passport will be returned WHEN I pay the £27.50...effectively withholding until I pay him which makes me very uncomfortable)

OP posts:
Original poster
Elenasparkles · 22/08/2017 11:28

The thing is Ems137 that he has no problem buying things for DS if he can have benefit from them for example will buy him expensive clothes shoes toys to show DS off in, but only for use at the GF house. He doesn't let DS bring back any Xmas or birthday presents or cards from anyone on his side and won't let him even bring back a teddy or toy that would then be returned when he goes back. I always let DS choose toys teddies clothes He likes to take to the Ex as feel here my DS things and he should be able to use/have them wherever he is. The Ex has no problem buying big things for DS to have at the GFs house, bikes, tablets etc but won't do the basics like get his hair cut or trim nails, or even treat for lice...had DS back covered in lice awhile back (literally crawling all over) and asked why he hasn't treated or at least called to say I needed to get treatment before shops shut on a Sunday, and just got a shrug and told he hadnt noticed .. (luckily I always make sure I have hedrin stuff in the house but not really the point) just gets me very mad the pettiness of it all.

OP posts:
LittleBearPad · 22/08/2017 11:30

You hand it over with the child as appropriate mission.

He's unreasonable, definitely. The nappy thing must have cost more in petrol!

GreenTulips · 22/08/2017 11:34

Definitely update with his responce!

Why do they think they can still control everything?

Yes tell him the uniform costs etc if he pays a pittance her needs to cover half

Can you look at a new court agreement - include half school trips uniform passports etc

If you'd paid for the passport would he have paid half?

butterfly56 · 22/08/2017 11:37

Tell him you will pay for next passport in 10years...!

kali110 · 22/08/2017 11:45

Disgusting.
No you should not pay him for the pasdport!
When he's there he shoulf be buying nappies and treating bloody lice!
I can understand him keeping toys and clothes at his, may seem petty but he may think they may not come back, but everything else just no.

kali110 · 22/08/2017 11:45

If he refuses to give you the passport then yes id cancel it.

OuaisMaisBon · 22/08/2017 11:46

I'd suggest saying you'll pay for the next passport, in 5 years, and present him with an invoice for the school uniform costs and a retroactive one for nappies, hair cuts, and head-lice treatment.

ChopOrNot · 22/08/2017 11:48

Depending on how old your DS is the passport may only last 5 years anyway. If you cannot see yourself wanting to go abroad before then then I would let your ex know that you are supremely unbothered by him "keeping" the passport - and cost of it - to himself.

Paying half of the £77 odd pounds now when you may not even use ....

NannyRed · 22/08/2017 11:48

Give him half of the cost of the passport, then tell him you expect half of the cost of school uniform, half of costs of any school trips, half of cost of after school clubs, child care, costs of gifts he has to take to any future birthday parties, the same for any meals you eat out, decorating his bedroom, buying new bedding, you want x to pay half. You get the idea. If he wants to be a twat that's his choice, but let him know you as a woman have the power to be an even bigger twat.

Original poster
Elenasparkles · 22/08/2017 11:50

Just had a response and it's exactly what I expected but with a new twist..basically that's what maintenance is for and I need to pay half towards passport..but with the addition of "if you want to play this game you can contribute half to all cost of petrol as you do not drive"...like banging my head against a brick wall. Urrhhh why did np one poi t out he was a prat before I married him.

OP posts:
HappylandToysEverywhere · 22/08/2017 11:52

Can I just say, if your ex was the one to open the Child Maintenance claim, then be warned... He can cancel it at ANY TIME HE LIKES! Even if it has gone to Attachment of Earnings! I know this, as it's just happened to me! AngryI've contacted all the relevant people and yes, it's correct as crappy as it is...

Just thought you should know!

OuaisMaisBon · 22/08/2017 11:53

He sounds like an appalling father - how can he justify to himself his mean behaviour towards his son? All this is clearly about scoring financial points off you and making you miserable, it shows no proper concern for his son, except as an accessory, as you describe it.

MoosicalDaisy · 22/08/2017 11:57

Things like not treating lice is abuse (neglect).

Things like withholding his sons passport isn't within his rights, because it's his son's passport, not his, it stays with him, if he paid for it, that's that.

Things like withholding toys and clothes like he is, is emotional abuse.

SilverBirchTree · 22/08/2017 11:58

I'm so angry for you OP. He sounds like a complete arse.

Fairenuff · 22/08/2017 12:08

Just ignore him OP. Don't get dragged into his games.

Slowcookerheaven · 22/08/2017 12:13

It's morally repugnant but legally correct I'm afraid.

The passport belongs to the govt legally. You could take t to court to make him hand it over but that will cost way more than half of £77

Qvar · 22/08/2017 12:13

Cancel the passport, op, and buy your own.

MarcelineTheVampire · 22/08/2017 12:14

Half of whose petrol? His? Errrrr...why would you do that- he's an arse. Ignore and don't bother paying him now.

Slowcookerheaven · 22/08/2017 12:15

You cannot cancel a passport that was legitimately obtained. What reason would you give?

Seriously don't be doing that op.

Slowcookerheaven · 22/08/2017 12:16

The ex is legally as entitled to hold the passport as the op.

You could take it to court and ask for it to be lodged with a solicitor.

But again. ££

araiwa · 22/08/2017 12:17

If the thread last week where the situation was the same but sexes reversed is correct then you should pay half, give him all details of your travel plans, collect the pp just before leaving and return as soon as youre back and you cant cancel the pp or obtain a new one

HiJenny35 · 22/08/2017 12:23

Will you go abroad within the next 5 years? If so tbh although I think he's an arse I'd still just pay him. Is £28 worth all the stress. However I would tell him how disgusting I think his behaviour is.

ShoutOutToMyEx · 22/08/2017 12:25

How do men like this sleep at night. Awful.

AlpacaPicnic · 22/08/2017 12:27

If he's that petty then I can honestly see him accepting the money and then 'oh I can't find the passport' when it comes for you to use it. Just to spite you taking your DS away on holiday.
I wouldn't pay on principal and just forgo any foreign holidays for the next five years.

Wallywobbles · 22/08/2017 12:53

Is there an official document about sharing of your child? Because that would state who does pick ups etc. And much more if required I believe. (Not UK). Of course he could ignore it all.

Is what he gives you worth the hassle? I was lucky and could afford no child paymenst, which suited him, but legally and morally has been a godsend. It really limited his power over me.