Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want DH's childhood friend and now our family friend (doctor) to examine my private parts and operate on them?

36 replies

justapussy1 · 21/08/2017 22:23

I have a vascular condition which involves the area around my vagina, anus and urethra. I need an op. Now it turns out that DH's childhood friend, (and - since we married - our family friend) who we socialise with regularly and our DC go to school with his DC, is the leading expert in this condition in the country we live in, and he runs a team of people who deal with it.

Naturally I made an appointment with his clinic to get it sorted, but I assumed that he would not be doing it all himself. (I know for a fact the other doctors in his clinic also do it.) He responded personally and made me an appointment. How lovely of him! I then wrote back to him and said I felt a bit self conscious as we are friends and would he be examining/operating on me himself?

He took this to mean that I only felt comfortable around him as a friend rather than anyone else, so reassured me that he would do EVERYTHING. I wrote back again and said, actually I would prefer if someone else would do it purely because I feel a bit embarrassed of doing the healthcare equivalent of mixing business with pleasure.

He does not seem to understand what I mean. We are having crossed wires. He just cannot wrap his head around why I would not want hint o dot he examination or the surgery.

Obviously I get that he sees tons of fanjos and bumholes every day, and there is nothing special or memorable about mine. But, this is the only fanjo and bum hole surgery I am going to have in a while, and I would rather spare the mortification of it being done by somebody who I have to see at a school play or over a glass of wine once a week. Am I just being a self-conscious freak?

OP posts:
BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 21/08/2017 22:26

It depends on how good the next expert is.

Nomoreboomandbust · 21/08/2017 22:28

Of course not and if he can't see this he's a stupid prat and not a good doctor.

Spell it out that no way do you want him involved in your treatments or op.

One of my old nursing collegues joined our GP practise and no way was she doing my smear

Booboobooboo84 · 21/08/2017 22:30

It's your fanjo and if you have a choice in who operates then that should be respected.

Topseyt · 21/08/2017 22:31

I don't think you are being at all unreasonable. I think I would probably feel the same.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/08/2017 22:33

Personally, I think you are being far too self-conscious and narrow minded. He's a DOCTOR. An expert in his field. And best of all, you have a personal relationship where his concern will be paramount for your health. I wonder if you are in some way bringing in a sexual component because this issue deals with your genital region. Would you feel the same if you had a problem with your elbow? Trust me, a medical doctor does not view genitals whilst performing their professional duties as erotic. I can't tell you how to feel, but I would love to have a good friend that I knew and trusted taking care of me.

PollyFlint · 21/08/2017 22:34

General Medical Council's current guidance is that wherever possible, doctors should avoid treating someone with whom they have a close personal relationship. Obviously there are circumstances where it's unavoidable, but that doesn't sound like one of these cases and I'm sure you'd be perfectly within your rights to say that you want to be treated by someone who isn't personally known to you as a close family friend.

Happydays21 · 21/08/2017 22:34

Totally disagree with Aqua. Wouldnt want a friend operating on my arse or my elbow.

OlennasWimple · 21/08/2017 22:37

I would say that you would be very pleased for him to have oversight of your care, but you would feel much happier if all in person examination and operations were conducted by his staff.

And YANBU

Nuttynoo · 21/08/2017 22:37

Which country are you in? In some being treated by a well respected and qualified family friend is the only way to emerge alive from an operation. Research carefully if you're outside Europe.

Nuttynoo · 21/08/2017 22:38

Which country are you in? In some being treated by a well respected and qualified family friend is the only way to emerge alive from an operation. Research carefully if you're outside Europe.

NataliaOsipova · 21/08/2017 22:40

If it's something really specialist whereby he's the only person with that level of expertise, then I'd say cope with your embarrassment and accept he's a professional and won't think twice about it. Better to have the best care and put up with feeling a bit self conscious.

That said, if someone else can do it just as competently, then damn right I'd prefer to have him/her instead!

BadPolicy · 21/08/2017 22:40

I don't think you're being unreasonable but it would probably be a while lot easy to explain face to face rather than by email.

Youcanttaketheskyfromme · 21/08/2017 22:41

Just tell him you want someone else because you don't feel comfortable.

silkybear · 21/08/2017 22:42

Do you think by saying you didn't want to mix business and pleasure he thinks you are coming on to him and that is why he is confused? Blush

guestofclanmackenzie · 21/08/2017 22:43

YANBU

I would cringe at the thought of a family friend seeing such an intimate area. Yes, he's a doctor and yes, he sees fanjos etc all the same, but it doesn't take away the fact he will still be copping an eyeful.

Original poster
justapussy1 · 21/08/2017 22:47

Thanks for replies

I just think we have had a breakdown of communication. But we ARE outside Europe, and so maybe that's just the way things are done here. That you get a family member or friend to do it because anyone else is a shark or a cowboy (is that the right word?)

DH says that he feels it's very inappropriate that his friend would do it - he is more against his friend doing it than I am. DH is telling me I need to cancel all appointments with him and tell him that we will go elsewhere.

OP posts:
EvenworsethanGlen · 21/08/2017 22:49

YANBU

I would hate the thought of a friend operating on my bits, even if it is part of their job.
It would still be hugely embarrassing.

OrangeButton · 21/08/2017 22:59

I was in a country outside Europe where you would definitely choose a surgeon based on family/friendship connections because it impacted your treatment - even more so if that person was a high level surgeon.

If you don't want him to see your body then I'd tell him that. Tell him that you understand how good he is but for you it's highly embarrassing. You could ask if he could oversee it but have another member of his team do the actual surgery. That way you'd get the benefit of his connection but not have him do it.

I wouldn't go to someone random, if it is a country where connections matter.

But if he's the top guy at this surgery I'd be very tempted to have him do it. You want the best outcome.

This is not the advice I'd give if you are outside the EU but in USA, Australia etc.

intergalacticbrexitdisco · 21/08/2017 23:00

Outside Europe? Come on!

Which country, OP?

redsquirrel2 · 21/08/2017 23:00

He's a doctor. He's a professional. He's taken the Hypocratic oath (can't spell that!) You'll just be another body to him. If he's the expert, go for it.

AbsentmindedWoman · 21/08/2017 23:03

Completely and utterly up to you and I can understand why you feel this way HOWEVER I think there is confusion because he probably thinks you feel reassured by the fact he's a family friend, in that they really will go the extra mile in terms of your care.

Even in the UK I think that sometimes happens to a degree. You obviously get excellent care at many clinics and hospitals in the NHS regardless of whether you know them in any capacity or not, but there are definitely instances where it helps to know someone.

ADishBestEatenCold · 21/08/2017 23:03

If you feel that way (not your husband) you must tell your friend again ... maybe face to face. Don't be coy, don't mess about, be direct.

DoctorFriend I do not want you to operate on me. I would be far too embarrassed to ever face you again socially, so I'd far rather you were my friend, not my surgeon. Will you please refer me to someone else?

Once he's got it, really got it, you can add in lots of little apologetic niceties ... I know you are the best in the country for this condition, but I'd far rather have your friendship with no embarrassment, etc ... if you feel you should.

ReanimatedSGB · 21/08/2017 23:07

The main thing, really, is: are there enough doctors around with expertise in your specific fanjo/bumhole troubles to give you proper treatment? If he's the only one in the country then you probably need to get over your embarrassment.
I appreciate that it's probably not ideal to have close friends operating on you, but there are times when that's just the way things turn out. I'm more concerned that your H is tantrumming - whatever you decide, your H doesn't get a say. It's your body, not his - and if he's anywhere near thinking that you should go without necessary medical treatment because WAAA HIS FRIEND MIGHT SEE YOUR FANNY he can fuck right off.

jcsp · 21/08/2017 23:07

When I had the snip one of my wife's friends was a nurse assisting the doctor.

She had the manners/tact to ask if I minded her being there. I didn't mind - but it was proper that she asked.

Viviennemary · 21/08/2017 23:08

If he doesn't understand then you will have to keep spelling it out until he does understand. You do not want a family friend to be your surgeon and or doctor. End of.