Difficult DM referring to my unborn child as Baby [DM's Name]!

[WombOfOnesOwn]

Background: My DM and I have always had a difficult relationship. She was far from an ideal mother: physically, emotionally, and financially abusive.

My sister and I have always said that my mother sees my sister as her daughter, and me as her clone (I am very, very similar in appearance to her) which means she sees fit to do anything to me at all, and elide boundaries I have, because after all, if it would be good for her, it must be good for me. This has caused no end of problems, since in spite of her beliefs she once told my DH, when we were first dating, "[Womb] has exactly the same flaws as me" -- we are really very, very different people.

Maintaining a relationship with her since I've become an adult has been contingent on erecting and maintaining firm boundaries.

When I was pregnant two years ago, my mother irked me by referring to my baby boy (whose name I'd already chosen) by a pet name I hated. It was a very "macho" pet name, and my household is not a very macho house -- and once DS arrived, it was very clear the pet name would have been very silly for him, since he is a bundle of giggles and gentleness.

We had a long talk about it when I was pregnant 2 years ago, she backed off, and I thought we'd do better this time around when I saw a positive pregnancy test.

It appears that was not to be. Within 2 weeks of finding out about the pregnancy, DM started doing something that actually irritates me MORE than the stupid nickname she was giving DS.

This baby, she insists, is Baby [DM's Name]. My mother HATES her name and doesn't actually want the baby to be called this, so it's not a "subtle" hint or advice about naming.

To me, it seems like she's trying to continue this maddening identity confusion where she thinks another person is basically her and can be treated accordingly -- with another, unsuspecting generation. With my wee baby who deserves time to discover his or her own identity and personality.

It's especially crushing to hear your innocent baby referred to by the name of the person who seriously abused me to the point where I ran away from home at 17. I've already tried speaking to her about not calling the baby that (mostly with jokey "umm, he or she will never be called that, so knock it off, you're being silly" kinds of things) but she refuses to listen and even uses the name more just to see if she can get a rise out of me.

Am I being hormonal and crazy from pregnancy, or is this beyond the pale? I don't want to have a Big Serious Discussion about it if I'm making too much of it, but I also don't want my mother carrying this dysfunction through to a little child who should not be part of it.

Pull her up on it every time! Could you give her a look like she's mad and say "Why are you calling the baby that?"

It sounds like distancing yourself might be a better plan, she sounds very odd.

So she's calling the unborn baby BABY CECILIA or whatever after her when she hates her own name? and clearly wants to ride all over you and oppressed you when you were growing up.

Don't talk to Mumsnet first, talk to your DSis about how to handle it. And why not get your DM to back off as she did when she called your DS Rambo or whatever? You say you've only maintained the relationship by putting up boundaries - so why not just keep them.

Unfortunately, DSis who is normally an expert at giving advice on this kind of thing is in the middle of an extremely difficult portion of her graduate education. The next 3 months are make-or-break for her entire career, and I'm trying my very best to keep additional stressors away from her (and our mother is a HUGE stressor). She'd normally be my very first call about something like this, but when she's working 10 hours a day and studying an additional 6-8, it seems unfair to burden her with personal drama.

She sounds extremely difficult. If being blunt 'why on earth would I call the baby after you, you are mad' doesn't work, then I would drastically cut contact. And tell her the reason you are cutting contact is because she is doing something you;ve politely asked her not to, and she's still doing it, therefore she is deliberately trying to wind you up and make you stressed. Who does that to a pregnant woman let alone their own daughter?

Really you hold all the aces here - you get to decide whether she can see you and whether she can see your children, so she has to decide what matters to her most - calling your unborn baby by her own name to irritate you, or seeing her family.

I am confused as to why such a woman would know about your dc never mind be involved in your life. .

Do you enjoy the relationship with your mother? do you have to see her as much as you do?

Do you need to spend time with your mother? Just back off the visits a bit until she chills out. Sounds like she enjoys winding you up.

I feel the same why are you even seeing her?

Good grief that's weird! I think you should maybe try to talk to her or see her as little as possible.

Fortunately, I don't visit her except once a year at Christmas. I'm in the US and she's thousands of miles away. This is phone contact we're talking about -- phone and Facebook.

I could cut off that contact. I guess what kills me about it is that my grandmother (DM's mother) was also kind of a crap mother, but turned into a very nice grandmother. DM was a real champ around DS last Christmas and made it a beautiful, fun experience for him -- truly unforgettable.

DM has borderline personality disorder. If you've ever known a BPD person, you know that they can be very charming, even kind and sweet, in small doses and if you keep the boundaries firm. I hate the idea of cutting my parents out of my children's lives. It doesn't seem like she has any intent of making my DS miserable or causing any trouble with him ... just driving me mad.

I know her goal in this -- to get me to give her a dressing-down over the phone, at which point she becomes the wounded martyr whose cruel, hormonal, pregnant daughter won't let her have a 'bit of fun' with the baby's name. Argh. I just feel there's no winning.

Every time she does it stand up collect DS and say "time for us to leave as granny is misbehaving" and go!

X-post.

Just say "bye then" and hand up every time.

Just laugh at her. Keep laughing at her. Her opinions do not matter.

I don't think I understand?
So your mum's name is Jill. She is messaging things such as "How is baby Jill this morning" or "I hope everything goes OK at the check up for you and baby Jill?" Is this her seeing you as a mini me and the baby as a mini mini me?

How often do you and she speak on the phone? I would work on staying very calm and when she does it say, staying calm, 'I have asked you not to call her that. Got to go now, bye!' and end the call. Perfectly calmly so she doesn't get a rise out of you but she doesn't get to carry on talking either. On Facebook I would ignore any posts that contain it.

Cut down the phone calls and hide her fb posts.

Stop stressing it's not worth it. Enjoy your pregnancy and know you are a better mum,

Enjoy the once a year time you have with her.

Take a step back from her for the time being. She does sound very annoying but you do sound a bit oversensitive. She's only doing it because she knows it winds you up. So either laugh it off or if you can't say something like do you realise how annoying you are. And until you can be sensible let's not speak on the phone or meet up. Because I've got enough on my plate without putting up with your nonsense. She's being a total pain.

When someone I had just met started calling me by nothing but a shortened form of my name I dislike (and introducing me to others by it) I started ignoring him when he used it and/or saying "oh sorry I thought you were talking to someone else as my name isn't X" would something similar work?

She's a cow. Every time she does it moo at her.

If this helps -

Have you come across the Stately Homes thread (ongoing) under Relationships? - think folks on there can offer decent support

Also you could look up Richard Grannon on YouTube

FWIW my DF did something similar when my DD was born.. and I've gone NC since.. with hindsight would go NC at that much earlier point, no question. It's very distressing around the birth of a new baby to have someone completely disregard you as the mother and pick up your baby and use a name of their choice.. just horrible.

And sounds like she's feeding off the confrontation/energy, so the best possible technique is to completely ignore, pretend she hasn't spoken, then lightly, literally laughing at her because she is being so ridiculous, talk about something completely inconsequential.. thus maintaining your dignity and self respect.

Wow!
You don't need this sort of crap especially when pregnant.
Be thankful you are far away. My mother was very similar, she was a wicked person and sounds very like yours.
I cut all ties with her over my children and all contact with her, life was a million times easier. I would do the same again but only you can decide what is best for you.
However, don't let a snake keep biting you. She will never be any different.

I hope things go well for you with your pregnancy and am so sorry that she has put you through all of this. x

YANBU
I have a similar (albeit a watered down version) situation here!
I'm 28 weeks and DM and I were never that close. When I was a child she seemed to despise me even - always smacking me over the head and calling me an idiot (I still do this to myself sometimes when I am mad at myself) when I was just doing silly kid things.
Since I have been Pregnant, she has tried to take over and is treating me like the best thing sliced bread. Very affectionate etc and I don't like it as it feels very false. She even assumed she was going to be my birth partner?!
Anyway - she has spat her dummy out because I won't tell her the name we have picked and so has nicknamed him something I hate! I agree with others - you don't need the crap - distance yourself as much as possible!

The Stately Homes thread is amazing!

Before all this started, I talked to her on the phone/Skype about once a week so she could see DS (he's in such a lovely phase right now, learning to count and his shapes and colors, and he loves showing off his newfound skills to both sets of grandparents on Skype).

One of the ways I reinforce boundaries with my mother is reducing my frequency of contact with her. Since she started this new wrinkle about 7 weeks ago and yes to the pp, if my DM's name was (for example) Billie, she's calling the baby "Baby Billie" I've spoken to her on the phone only twice, Skyped not at all, and have Facebook chatted with her about once a week (mostly to keep her from begging for more Skype time).

It'd be hard to contact her less than now without causing major family fallout. I think I'm going to have to pull on my big girl pants and have a serious talk with her about why this isn't acceptable.

OMG, ethel, that sounds so obnoxious.

My mother also told me she'd be my birth partner (I "graciously" declined) and told me she'd be out at my place for weeks helping me with the baby.

The reality: I called her 48 hours after my EMCS... after a 55-hour labor (DS, born small, TURNED during labor, the lil stinker!), after getting a spinal anesthetic where the anesthetist messed up 5 times and bruised my spine, leaving me with chronic lower back pain and intense sciatica, and after some postpartum complications left me on a magnesium drip (really not fun).

Some primal, vital part of me simply missed my mummy and wanted her to sympathize and be kind. I don't know what I was thinking.

I told her the basics of what had happened. She didn't ask a single question about my well-being -- or about DS, who was on half a dozen tubes and monitors in the hospital nursery because he'd aspirated some fluid during birth. She talked instead about how she'd spent all day cleaning and that her back really hurt from bending over to use the dustpan.

I felt like playing the world's smallest violin.