Background: My DM and I have always had a difficult relationship. She was far from an ideal mother: physically, emotionally, and financially abusive.
My sister and I have always said that my mother sees my sister as her daughter, and me as her clone (I am very, very similar in appearance to her) which means she sees fit to do anything to me at all, and elide boundaries I have, because after all, if it would be good for her, it must be good for me. This has caused no end of problems, since in spite of her beliefs she once told my DH, when we were first dating, "[Womb] has exactly the same flaws as me" -- we are really very, very different people.
Maintaining a relationship with her since I've become an adult has been contingent on erecting and maintaining firm boundaries.
When I was pregnant two years ago, my mother irked me by referring to my baby boy (whose name I'd already chosen) by a pet name I hated. It was a very "macho" pet name, and my household is not a very macho house -- and once DS arrived, it was very clear the pet name would have been very silly for him, since he is a bundle of giggles and gentleness.
We had a long talk about it when I was pregnant 2 years ago, she backed off, and I thought we'd do better this time around when I saw a positive pregnancy test.
It appears that was not to be. Within 2 weeks of finding out about the pregnancy, DM started doing something that actually irritates me MORE than the stupid nickname she was giving DS.
This baby, she insists, is Baby [DM's Name]. My mother HATES her name and doesn't actually want the baby to be called this, so it's not a "subtle" hint or advice about naming.
To me, it seems like she's trying to continue this maddening identity confusion where she thinks another person is basically her and can be treated accordingly -- with another, unsuspecting generation. With my wee baby who deserves time to discover his or her own identity and personality.
It's especially crushing to hear your innocent baby referred to by the name of the person who seriously abused me to the point where I ran away from home at 17. I've already tried speaking to her about not calling the baby that (mostly with jokey "umm, he or she will never be called that, so knock it off, you're being silly" kinds of things) but she refuses to listen and even uses the name more just to see if she can get a rise out of me.
Am I being hormonal and crazy from pregnancy, or is this beyond the pale? I don't want to have a Big Serious Discussion about it if I'm making too much of it, but I also don't want my mother carrying this dysfunction through to a little child who should not be part of it.