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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

"Backed out" of a conversation...AIBU to refuse to see these people again?

30 replies

PyongyangKipperbang · 21/08/2017 13:35

Very old mate of DH's, not particularly close but good muckers who like a drink and chat together, has a wife that I have never really taken to. He met her after DH and I had been married and I could tell straight away that she didnt like me and most of the other women in the social circle of our village. She latched on to one woman but would be borderline rude with the rest. But I was polite and sociable with her as he was a friends wife, its what you do.

When we were out with them she would edge me out of the conversation so it was just her, her DH and mine. DH and I had rows about it because he didnt think that she was doing it on purpose.

Hadnt seen them for a couple of years when we met up with them at the weekend. Me, her DH and mine were talking when she came over and inserted herself between me and DH, then turned her back. I was stood outside of the conversation circle staring at her back! I stood there and caught DH's eye and did the "SEE?!! I told you!!" look (ykwim!) and I could see that he finally got it. He kept trying to bring me back in but she kept doing it.

So we left earlier than planned (and went dancing, which was more fun!) and he has actually apologised for not seeing it before. He said that he will make sure she cant do it again and I said no, I dont want to see her again. I will cheerfully meet up with the DH, or wave DH off to meet them but I am sick of being treated like that by her and so I wont be doing it again.

He has accepted it but I get the feeling he thinks I should give it one more try with him on-side to stop her pushing me out.

AIBU to say no?

OP posts:

Feelingiabu · 21/08/2017 13:38

I'd be tempted to meet one more time, even just to see her face when she realised your husband isn't falling for her act anymore.

It'll be a picture I'm sure!

ShatnersWig · 21/08/2017 13:40

If you hadn't seen them for a couple of YEARS how likely is it you're going to see them again anyway??

RaspberryOverload · 21/08/2017 13:40

You wouldn't BU not to see her any more, but I do agree that one last time, with your DH onside, could be interesting when she realises your DH knows what she's doing.

StepAwayFromCake · 21/08/2017 13:40

You've let her win. If you cut yourself out of this group then she has succeeded in excluding you.

Go out together and let your dh stand up for you.

quarterpast · 21/08/2017 13:40

She sounds insecure. She's probably one of those women who considers herself 'one of the lads' and thinks all other women are man stealing predators. I wouldn't give her the time of day.

Windbeneathmybingowings · 21/08/2017 13:42

Meet her again just so It can be your one last meeting! You can say whatever the hell you like to her knowing you won't have to ever go again!

If she backs you out again, tap on her shoulder and ask why she's such an arsehole?

Original poster

PyongyangKipperbang · 21/08/2017 13:42

Sorry I should have said that they moved away so in terms of the social circle, we are still in it and they are not so not a problem there. We travelled to their new home to see them and I made a point of watching her, she spent the evening talking to men and ignoring/barely being polite to the women.

OP posts:

AlternativeTentacle · 21/08/2017 13:43

Did you not tap her hard on the shoulder and say 'what the fuck do you think you are doing?'

ginandlime · 21/08/2017 13:43

Someone I used to know tried this with me. About the third time of her doing exactly this to me, I pulled a book out of my bag and started to read. Her dh asked me what was going on and she was so embarrassed when I explained that as there was no point in my being there I may as well enjoy my novel in peace!

BornInALighthouse · 21/08/2017 13:43

Not being unreasonable. I'd be interested to see what she does with your DH on side though.
I had a couple of friends like this once. My dp was obviously way more interesting than me because one time they even nudged me off the pavement so they could walk right next to him. That was the last time I saw them funnily enough.

KimmySchmidt1 · 21/08/2017 13:44

He had his chance to defend you and deal with her and he failed - so no you are not BU just to help him avoid the embarrassment of telling his mate that his wife is an ahole.

SonicBoomBoom · 21/08/2017 13:46

Don't send your DH off alone to meet them, that's exactly what she wants.

Go with him and the two of you will have fun watching her try to do it. It will be hilarious, as I suspect she will get more and more obvious with it to the point of ridiculous.

Bluntness100 · 21/08/2017 13:47

Sounds like she's an attention seeker. I'd give it one more shot for marital and group harmony and then cut her loose...

SonicBoomBoom · 21/08/2017 13:48

I had a couple of friends like this once. My dp was obviously way more interesting than me because one time they even nudged me off the pavement so they could walk right next to him.

Does the guy live in Chelsea and run over Putney Bridge?

Crazycatlady123 · 21/08/2017 13:57

You need to challenge her on her behaviour there and then, no point getting pissed off afterwards.

NKFell · 21/08/2017 14:00

YANBU but I would see them one last time with your DH on side.

FizzyGreenWater · 21/08/2017 14:00

YANBU, but definitely don't 'wave DH off to see them.' No way would she get to have her own way.

My preferred option would be for your DH to get her DH out alone by inviting him to a gathering specifically just him, NOT his wife, then you turn up and have a lovely evening filled with pleasant conversation which he can recount to his fuming DW later

Hahaha.

If not that, then either he doesn't go, or you both go and have a strict battle plan for your DH to promptly move positions when she gets going, or to cut over her speaking to ask you something, etc. And not bother to not make it obvious either.

FizzyGreenWater · 21/08/2017 14:02

Move positions as in - she gets herself between you and your DH and turns her back, he looks over, 'notices' it and says 'Oh hang on I can't quite hear what Pyong is saying, sorry!' and moves so he is next to you or between you and her DH, etc. Stick that RudeDW!

SmitheringSmithison · 21/08/2017 14:09

Why didn't he call her out on it this time when he noticed? You say he tried bringing you back in but she still did it so that was his cue to say 'oh hang on a min I can't hear kipperbang' then reach past her to you and bring you to his side!

IHeartDodo · 21/08/2017 14:12

I have been blocked out of a circle a couple of times before, and my solution is just to tap the person on the shoulder and say all super-polite: "er 'scuse me, you're blocking me out"
Any normal person would reply with "oh sorry" and move.

Peachyking000 · 21/08/2017 14:16

I agree, she needs to be called out on it, each and every time she does it, it'll make her look like the fool that she is. I don't blame you for not wanting to be in her company again however

QuiteLikely5 · 21/08/2017 14:17

You need to go just so you can see her face when she realises your dh has cottoned on to her behaviour! If your feeling brace you could even block her out! Yikes

MrsOverTheRoad · 21/08/2017 14:20

I'm more interested in the fact that you "went dancing" !! What does that actually involve? I've read others doing it but do you mean you went to a nightclub or actual "going dancing" which to me is ballroom dancing!

Sorry for deviating.

Minkyfluffster · 21/08/2017 15:00

Now that your DH is aware the fun can start? I would suggest meeting up with them again soon. Decide before hand what time to leave (and go dancing again) then go on a charm offensive, big smiles and when she pushes you out say something, so that everyone can hear. "oops, you have accidently stood right in front of me there". If possible get her to see you and DH exchange "a look" when it happens? shame her.

Then leave and go out and have fun with your DH!

Original poster

PyongyangKipperbang · 21/08/2017 15:03

We went to a local place that plays mowtown and northern soul so you can dance together but not in a ballroomy way. Its nice :)

Its would have been really awkward to call her out on it as we were on their home turf, it was big event that they were running and I really didnt want to draw attention to it at the time. Thats why we agreed to leave, but I did make a fuss out of saying goodbye to the DH as did my DH and we both just said "Bye!" as we left to her so no doubt she would have moaned about that when we had left!

Thinking about it though, you're right in that me not going is exactly what she wants so that wont happen. We rarely see them and only if we make the effort so we just wont bother anymore.

OP posts:

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