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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to ask for positive views on becoming a single mum?

50 replies

helloworld2012 · 20/08/2017 21:50

My husband is leaving me. It's not a surprise, we've been having trouble for the past year but it's still devastating. I'm so scared for the future. I know I'm really going to have to woman up...I don't know how to do taxes and I'm scared of the fricking dark for God's sake.

Can anyone give me something positive about becoming a single mum?

OP posts:
fuckingroundabout · 20/08/2017 21:51

You realise you are far stronger and morr calpable than you ever believed.

Also all the love and cuddles and special moments that make the lows liveable

butterfly990 · 20/08/2017 21:54

You can do what you want, when you want without having to answer to anyone!

JigglyTuff · 20/08/2017 21:55

I love being a single mum. I get to do whatever I want to do when I want to do it. We have pyjama days and play computer games all day if we fancy it. Equally, if we fancy running off to a park or anything at all, we do. Life is much easier if you're not having to reach a consensus.

Taxes are easy honestly and if you're scared of the dark, put lights on timers.

You will feel much stronger with every step you make on your own.

jeaux90 · 20/08/2017 21:56

You aren't a single parent, you will be co-parenting I assume?

There are loads of positives believe me.

No negotiation on housework, what to eat, what to do. See who you want. Finding your independence. Learning to be happy in your own company. Not depending on anyone else. Watch what you want.

I assume you will also have time to yourself? Time to take up a hobby or exercise etc.

List is huge.

Been a single mum (lone parent) for 6 years and I love my life. Focus on work and my kid. My life is pretty simple actually.

I have been seeing someone for the last year. I wouldn't ever live with someone again though, I like my life too much.

You'll be fine. Once you get through dealing with some of the logistics on your own it will get easier x

LadyFuchsiaGroan · 20/08/2017 21:57

You will surprise yourself at how adaptable you will become. Today I installed a washing machine by myself (hardly a monumental achievement - but still made me proud! )

I have also found the bond between my child and me has increased we drive each mad on occasion but feel closer than ever.

Peachypie83 · 20/08/2017 21:57

I'm so sorry you are going through this. My husband left me for another woman when my DD was 9 months old. I thought my world had ended, had no idea how I would cope and moved in with my DM for a few months.

When I was ready, I found a lovely little flat to rent and honestly, was so happy. The decor was entirely my taste, I loved having just me and my DD during the day and then a tidy, lovely chill out space to myself in the evenings where I could watch what I wanted on t.v. or spend the evening with a good book.

I have been with my DP now almost 4 years, he has a son and we have a new baby boy together. Life is hectic and full on and although I'm happy, I do find myself thinking about that time when it was just me and DD living together entirely on my terms. I genuinely enjoyed it.

Singleandproud · 20/08/2017 21:57

Being single is awesome, tough for the first 6 months - a year whilst going through divorce / court etc. But after that when you realise how free you are to do what you want is brilliant. You can watch whatever you want, read, get hot and sweaty doing a work out video, go out with the kids if you have them and not have to wait for your husbands day off or have to be home at a certain time.

The downsides are mostly logistical, making sure you are organised with medicine stocked up for those middle of the night illlnesses, remembering to have enough milk/ bread for the morning as no one to send to the shop etc.
Financially, you learn to live within your means, you haven't mentioned your financial needs but even if you only have a part time job and need to rely on tax credits etc life is not necessarily as bleak as some would have you believe. Although any debts or living in a city can make things difficult.

Why do you need to do taxes? There isnt much you cant learn with a little help and perseverance on the internet nowadays.

Violetcharlotte · 20/08/2017 21:58

Hello OP I've been a single Mum for 13 years and i'm really happy.

It is hard work having to do everything yourself, but I'd rather than that than feel resentful with a bloke who didn't do his share.

My two are 18 and 16 now and we're really close and have a great relationship. I don't have anywhere near as many issues with them as some of my friends seem to with theirs.

There's also a sense of pride at doing it by yourself and not relying on anyone else. Money is tight, but at least I'm in control of my own budget.

Overall it's good. Certainly a million times better than staying with someone who makes you miserable.

Redberets · 20/08/2017 22:01

I've been single since three months pregnant with now 14 month old dd. I love it! For me the pros outweigh the cons. I get to do things the way I want to do them without having to compromise with anyone else. I know it's scary but you'll honestly be fine!

priscillap · 20/08/2017 22:05

I became a single mum over 30 years ago with a 5 year old and a 1 year old, both girls. Within 3 months I had a job even though I did not drive and had to bus 50 mins each way to work every day - employed babysitter am and 3.30-6pm. (I stayed in that job for 17 years.) I got my own mortgage and bought my husband out of the house. I was careful with my money we were able to have holidays for the first time. After 5 years alone I remarried had a son and have just had my 27th wedding anniversary. I finally achieved my lifelong ambition and qualified as a teacher and all my 3 children have been to university. My husband is the most loving and supportive partner and has supported me and all the children in everything we have ever done. Yes, it can be the best thing to ever happen, but it is very, very hard work, make no mistake about that. Was it worth it? You bet! Good luck and best wishes

Stuckinstressville · 20/08/2017 22:11

My mum was a single mum and she is epic. Had the best childhood, happy, etc despite father issues dickplod and we are super close now and both my db, dh, ds and pil adore her. Is that a possible positive view?

She Found It fucking hard though at times but just brought us closer and made me feisty as hell, resilient, independent and happy. She did remarry but that ended as he was a dick too.

Sienna9522 · 20/08/2017 22:12

From personal experience;

  • I don't have to answer to anyone. I do what I want, when I want.
  • When DD goes to her dads, I truly get a break. Real time to myself with no interruptions from her Dad, asking what should be done when he should know.
  • Having a full bed to myself, in fact, having a full house to myself and only cleaning up my mess!
  • The empowerment of doing everything for myself and not having to rely on him.
  • The thought of the excitement of what comes with getting in a new relationship.
  • Spending MY money on me and DD!
  • Not having to worry what he's up to!
Sienna9522 · 20/08/2017 22:12

From personal experience;

  • I don't have to answer to anyone. I do what I want, when I want.
  • When DD goes to her dads, I truly get a break. Real time to myself with no interruptions from her Dad, asking what should be done when he should know.
  • Having a full bed to myself, in fact, having a full house to myself and only cleaning up my mess!
  • The empowerment of doing everything for myself and not having to rely on him.
  • The thought of the excitement of what comes with getting in a new relationship.
  • Spending MY money on me and DD!
  • Not having to worry what he's up to!
WishingOnABar · 20/08/2017 22:15

Delurking to echo all of the other posters. I have been raising my asd son alone from day 1. Everything seems terrifying until you realise how capable you are. Now I realise there is nothing I cannot fix or learn for myself. My relationship with my son is fantastic, and I really enjoy my own company when I get it and being able to make decisions about our household etc without having to refer to anyone else. Parenting alone all this time has raised my standards- now I know how well I can get along by myself it would take nothing short of someone who is perfect for me (and my son) to join our family, in the meantime we may sometimes be short of luxuries but live quite happily

Hotheadwheresthecoldbath · 20/08/2017 22:33

Don't worry about the bills and insurance.It all looks like a lot but make a list when the time comes and just work through them all one by one.They are all very good at sending reminder letters.
You have a while bed to yourself(I bought white sheets!)
You can have a night light and noone will criticise you.
You can set your own routine or not.
There is less tidying to do and get the kids to help until it becomes the norm.
You can have what you want on TV or even turn it off ,play music,read a book,dance naked around the house.
If your husband has the kids try not to be too sad,fill your time,have a lie in,do things for you.Tidy when they go and then no more until they get back.
You will gain confidence and become a strong , independent woman and a good role model for your kids.
You will learn to be happy again.
And after that...well that's up to you.Flowers

ferriswheel · 20/08/2017 22:39

I have officially been a single mum for a year. Unofficially I've always been a single mum. He was busy doing other things.

It is so, so much better than being with someone who doesn't care or appreciate you. And our home is so much happier too.

JaceLancs · 20/08/2017 22:41

The fantastic relationship I have with my now adult DC
Knowing I did it on my own
Teaching them both that both sexes are equal and can achieve whatever they want

Birdsgottafly · 20/08/2017 22:42

I agree with everything that been said.

I sleep with a light on at times, I like horror films which doesn't help.

I've also always had either a dog or cat, or both. There's been nights when I've carried the cat about, so I'm not alone. But you get over it.

My DDs are now all Adults and I choose to still be single, I love being in charge of my own life.

Copperbeech33 · 20/08/2017 22:44

its the best thing that ever happened to me.

Btw, am also afraid of the dark, but can open the curtains after I've switched the light off now!

Original poster
helloworld2012 · 20/08/2017 22:45

My God, you are all amazing, strong, wonderfully independent women!!!!!! Thank you so much for answering my OP, reading this is definitely helping (so keep 'em coming please!).

The finance and bills / insurance etc does scare the hell out of me. I'm self employed and I love my job and I believe I'm actually good at it. It also ties in well with the kids' routine so I really hope I don't have to give that up. Maybe I'll have to get a second job on the side....

It makes me feel a lot better to read such positive comments. Life was safe with my husband but he was so grumpy and miserable and made me feel so useless and like an annoying problem, this is probably the right thing to do.

OP posts:
priscillap · 20/08/2017 22:52

I also think that one of the secrets is to fill your little bit of spare time with interests you perhaps did not have time to do before. I found I had a lot of time to myself in the early days when they were in bed on a night so picked up my reading, knitting, sewing again and made sure I had friends round a few times too. Friends are one of the most important things but they must be the supportive kind. Sometimes the ones you think will be the most supportive are not necessarily so, especially if they remain married! You have been duly warned (in the nicest possible way x)

kittybiscuits · 20/08/2017 22:55

It's so much easier actually doing it on your own than doing it whilst carrying a dead weight. It's peaceful. Once the drama has passed, you will wonder what it was you used to be worried about.

WishingOnABar · 20/08/2017 22:57

Op you may find you will be entitled to some help if living alone, look into tax credits and also housing allowance if you rent. Those were a godsend when I first had ds and especially with nursery costs

TeddyIsaHe · 20/08/2017 23:05

Being a single mum is the hardest thing I've ever done, but...

It is so rewarding, every smile, hug and laugh is for me. Equally every whinge and scream is as well, but the smiles more than make up for it.
I can spend what I like when I like. Bills and rent are no longer a worry because I'm entirely in control of everything.
If the house is untidy it doesn't make me angry anymore, because it's just mine and dd's mess, and I don't mind clearing that up. And if we want to laze about in pjs all day, we do! Because we can.
I love being able to make decisions based on what makes dd happiest, not what someone else wants. And we eat so much lovely food now because it's just us!
The evenings can get lonely, but I get to watch whatever I want whenever I want. Plus friends and family are always on hand to talk to.

Honestly you can do this. Yes it will be tough and you'll have days thinking you can't go on. But you can, and one day you might find that you actually enjoy it. I really think I'll struggle massively ever allowing anyone into mine and dd's safe haven, I love our home and I don't want it to change!

scrabbler3 · 20/08/2017 23:06

It was easier than I thought to adapt to single parenthood. I like being answerable to no one and I get quality "alone" time. I quite enjoyed taking sole control of the bills etc. I would like a new relationship but don't want to live with anyone again!

It helped that ex and I were amicable.

I'm not very technical and I worried about dealing with broadband/Sky box/boiler etc problems but so far, so good. No big deal - I coped with this kind of thing with the help of Internet forums and more knowledgeable friends.

Itlll be better than you think.

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