...to ask for positive views on becoming a single mum?

[helloworld2012]

My husband is leaving me. It's not a surprise, we've been having trouble for the past year but it's still devastating. I'm so scared for the future. I know I'm really going to have to woman up...I don't know how to do taxes and I'm scared of the fricking dark for God's sake.

Can anyone give me something positive about becoming a single mum?

There are times when it can be hard but it's better overall. My ex was quite abusive emotionally and even though I don't have much money I'm much happier. Like pp I make dens in the living room with my dc and watch films together. I can take them swimming, to the park or whatever without having exp arguments to ruin the day.

You can get advice online or citizens advice on finances, you'll be fine

All of the above.
I'm so many ways, it's great.
I was terrified of life on my own and being financially insecure. And there has been tough moments.
But so many upsides.
Come back when/if you need a hand with tax/insurance,/whatever. Cause someone here will have a good answer.

Oh and I don't know your living situation but I've found living in a flat makes me feel less worried about the dark 😊 also leave a light on.

My friend was terrified when husband left, then quite soon realised she was the happiest she'd ever been. A massive weight had been lifted, it was just her and her 2 darling children (who are now 17 & 19 & amazing, happy, kind, fun young adults), she didn't have to argue every day or be put down...... Yes it was incredibly tough at times but easier to get through without a negative & hostile partner. You're going to find all kinds of strength and talent in yourself that's been there all along. All the very best, take one day at a time xx

Those jobs the ex did, that you worry about doing yourself - they are all unbelievably easy to do yourself. I was conned!

None of that seething resentment that brewed as he sat on the sofa picking his nose watching sport.

Don't miss that.

And yes to timers on the lights! I do this and it makes me feel more comfortable. Daft I know.

Don't sweat the small stuff. Having an amazing bond with my wee one, not having to negotiate hoovering, dinner, washing, mundane nonsense. Going to bed super early and not feeling guilty, feeling pretty brilliant because my kid is great and it's mainly down to me. Proper me time when at dads so time to chill, lie in have a bath, have friends over etc. you'll be great and you're allowed totally to sleep with the lights on

People sometimes do that "oh life must be so hard" head tilt when they find out I'm a single mum.

I secretly do one back at them because I think I'm the one with a good deal.

Life is so much easier.

Relationships with the ex can be tricky to begin with but hopefully in time this can settle down.

When I look at my married friends and what they have told me about their household routine their husbands are very rarly left being in sole charge of the children. Days out are spent together, dads home late and near bedtime, mums often ending up doing most of the caring aspects.
Even though my DD only sees her dad after school once a week and the occasional weekend or school holiday day (due to his work schedule) I think she has a much better relationship with him then if we were together. Living apart means he has to step up to the plate, plan days out, cook for her etc not just pass her back when she starts grizzling as he would when she was a baby he actually has to parent.

I was also terrified at having to do all the financial stuff - XH used to hide himself away in his office for hours on end "doing paperwork". Turns out its not a big deal and I'm perfectly capable - who knew!?

I did have a trial run when he worked away from home for a while, it was what made me realise that without his grumpy arse around, our house was actually a lot nicer!

I have bought and sold cars, done my own business accounts, managed my banking, changing banks, opening new accounts, setting up a whole new business. It's not that hard!

I've done wallpapering - not that hard!
Put up shelves - not that hard!
Built furniture, including bunk beds, by myself - guess what...not that hard!

I do all the shopping and cooking etc, but then I did that anyway.

And I get to do all of this, then have a night or two child free each week while the kids visit their dad, so I can eat junk, watch TV and unwind.

I also met an absolute gem of a man who treats me properly, takes care of me and makes me feel beautiful. But he doesn't live here because I don't need him to. Financially and emotionally, I am better off having my own space, just me and my 3 DCs.

I heartily recommend single motherhood to all

Oh and the other week I sat in XH's garden having a cup of tea and a chat with him while the DCs played in his house. We get on better now than we did when we were married It can take a while to feel ok about things, but it's great for the DCs that they'll never have to choose who can sit at the top table at their wedding or attend their graduation. Divorce doesn't need to be awful, especially when there hasn't been cheating.

I'm only about 6 weeks in but there are definitely parts I love

• I love that my house is MINE to decorate as I wish. Have been buying things that spark joy for me, and don't have to worry about sharing my space with a man and arguing about leaving rubbish laying around/blocking the toilet/using the floor as a laundry basket.

• I feel like me and my DD (2) have really reconnected and strengthened our bond as I can focus on her and not be stressed about a failing relationship.

• No one to answer back to about how I spend my money.

• Not living in a toxic environment with arguing constantly is like finally being able to breathe again.

• Only have to carry the 'mental load' for 2 people not 3 - no longer being basically an unpaid PA for ex.

• Only have to tidy up after/ do laundry for 2 people not 3.

• Can have whatever I want for dinner

• Can manage my money more effectively as not worried about someone elses spending.

Ooops got a bit carried away there ;) haha overall though not being in a relationship which makes you miserable 100% benefits you and your children!

Just to add another point

• My daughters behaviour and sleep routine has improved massively, probably as a result of not being around 2 unhappy emotionally drained adults all day long

Also

• Biggest sense of achievement doing things that were your OH's 'jobs'

I used to pity single mums and wonder how they did it, now I pity people who cling on to struggling relationships for far too long

I have a superking size bed all to myself! (Assembled singlehandedly from flat pack) I make myself a cosy pile of cushions and watch netflix after dd is asleep (no arguments about what to watch either!). I also have two wardrobes for all my clothes, and no one telling me that I have too many clothes! I do genuinely like being single, and not just for the wardrobe space,but I feel like I can be myself more.

This thread is honestly so helpful right now. All around me I have married couples, all my friends and family are all married. Anything they say doesn't really help because they have no idea what it's like. But you, you've all been there and you've done it and you're doing it. Thank you so much.

I am of course still heartbroken but I also can't wait to just get our own little place (I have 2 amazing kids, 3 and 5 years old) and do what is best for US. It'll feel so great not having a grumpy, unpredictable arse around, no more walking on eggshells or feeling like the kids are being unfairly disciplined just for making a noise.

I really appreciate the comment about if I need help with advice on finances etc to come back here and ask.

How do you tell the kids though? They're so young and won't understand properly. I don't want to fuck this up.

Helloworld - I told mine (XH was there but I did the talking - he'd have fucked it up) that we didn't love each other any more so we couldnt stay married. It's important for them to know that the 'mummy and daddy' but isn't broken, only the 'helloworld' and 'mr helloworld' bit.
Mine weren't surprised, just sad. Worst thing I have ever had to do - but it was for the best.

I didn't realise how much my mood was dictated by my marriage. Since being a single parent I am much calmer, consistent and content. I didn't realise how unhappy I was until I stopped being unhappy.

For me the biggest advantages have been: getting on with the grind of childcare without the constant annoyance of having someone who ought to be doing part of it and isn't. Not constantly treading on eggshells and starting to rebuild my self image and esteem. Having every other weekend free, it's amazing! The satisfaction of taking on a seemingly impossible challenge and nailing it.

The downsides have been the sometimes massive feeling of responsibility. The worries about money. Occasional loneliness and missing the DCs when they're away.

I left an abusive marriage and have no doubts that it was the right choice for me and DCs. I'm a year on now and it's been a roller coaster, but I do now feel that I'm starting to rebuild and find myself again. Not a moment of regret.

I've been a single mum to my now 7 year old, for over 5 years. I mostly love it. I don't have to answer to anyone, and feel more in control of my life. Ex was emotionally and financially abusive, so having control over my own money and life is bloody amazing.

I do sometimes feel a bit lonely, but I was far lonelier being in an unhappy relationship, than I've ever been on my own.

I was worried about the logistics, but I have proved myself to be far more capable than I ever thought I would be. It is really empowering. It's amazing what you can do when you have to.

The downside for me is money. Having only one income is a bit of a ballache, but we have a great life. Things are tight, but they will hopefully get easier the older he gets. Happiness trumps money every time.

I am very lucky as my mum moved down a few years ago, so she helps with childcare when she can. I also have some amazing friends. A good support network helps.

You can do it!

Lovely thread and much needed for me at the minute. I've been a single parent for eight years. There's way less conflict than when he was here, my kids and I laugh so much and do loads of fun activities together. He used to get stressed out on outings and rush us about, always a row and always pub breaks .

I cook what they want individually and don't have to worry about cooking big meals if I don't feel like it. We come to consensus on how we want things to be the three of us, whereas he was a big how things are supposed to be kind of man. Best of all there's no waiting for someone to step up and the resentment and sadness when they never do. He's not really in their lives these days and I hate him for it, but to be honest they're better off without him.

I would never have the amazing relationship I have with my 14 yo son if I'd have stayed in the toxic marriage, it wouldn't have been able to flourish. I'm now seeing a great guy who is like a friend to my son but also brings some paternal guidance. I still and always will consider myself a single mum though

I mainly love this tight family unit I have built on our values - our family values. (XH didnt (and doesn't) understand it's importance, prefers a divide and conquer strategy to rescue him from his self-inflicted loneliness.)

Every day the DCs and I eat together as a family. It's a bumpy Road sometimes with teens and pre-teens, dinner may sometimes involve name calling and airing grievances, but these now too tall boys/men leave the table thanking their mum for their dinner and giving her a hug.

And every day I say to myself 'I did that.

You'll come through the other end, no doubt about it. It's all painful & raw at first, but generally settles with time

As regards telling the children, the main point is to reassure them that you and your ex still love the children very much, although you no longer love each other

I'm glad you've had so many positive responses OP. You'll be absolutely fine. The first years the hardest, but once you get used to having your independence you'll love it!

I can't actually imagine ever living with a man again. I love the freedom of being able to do what I like, when I like. And I love the relationship J have with my teens.