to wonder whether your patience actually physically runs out after 8 years?

[hooochycoo]

Eight years of "please sit down when you are eating so you don't spill your food and drink" "please walk on the pavement not on the road" "it's not nice to wake people up when they are sleeping" "Only draw on the paper, not on you or the walls or anything else" " please don't snatch, if you want something then ask nicely and wait" " it is not yours so do not touch it" "This is a cafe, not a play park. Sit down" " This is a bus, please sit down or you will get hurt" ...... and my patience had completely and utterly ran out. All that is left if sarcasm, rage and indifference to them.

I love my children but I absolutely hate motherhood.

I definitely hear you.

Mine is a bit of a different situation as they're not my bio children, but they've been with me 3 years and almost every single day of those three years I've had to tell my 9 year old to get off his knees on the dining room chair. Surely after 3 years it should have sunk in?!!

Also, I don't want to get on at them about their speech all the time but I think at 8 and 9 they should pretty much speak correctly. So I do pull them up when they say 'gived' instead of 'gave.' But no matter how many times I tell them, they still say 'gived!'

If we're doing the animal comparison thing, I suppose the brutal truth is that young lambs or warthogs with disabilities that prevent them behaving in a normal way for lambs or warthogs simply don't last that long: they either get eaten by lions or foxes, or their mother rejects them. Instead, OP, you are giving your two the very best chance they can have, however exhausting you find it. That's not something a sheep or a warthog could do.

Yes, I often think similar, that my two probably wouldn't be still alive in past times or other societies, as their inability to listen and learn would have meant the would have been taken by predators or not manage to get enough food themselves. They'd still be screaming about it being in the wrong cup as they passed out through malnutrition or trying to pick up the wolf despite being told not to touch wolfs without asking.

Thanks for all the suggestions and camaraderie, really appreciate it. I shall look at all your suggestions today. Both kids are at school now ( hurrah!) and this is the first ever day I have to myself with both of them at school ( Dd started school last week, her first full day) . Praying that the transitions go smoothly and the support staff cope and all goes ok . Massive playground melt down from Ds this morning , his new teacher looked terrified. Deputy head came over and rescued the situation.

And breath.....

It's the incredibly stark contrast with other kids their ages that really shock you isn't it.

I spent a shocked minute or two staring at a piece of homework that was in my son's accidentally,done by a friend of his. I was amazed by the beautiful drawing and writing and articulate story. My son can only just write his name A4 size.

Sometimes I think I should record my own voice and just press play all day. Especially in the summer, you just get sick of repeating yourself, I do understand that.

Talk to an occupational therapist about your issues at dinner time, could one of them sit on a gym ball or even stand eating. Sometimes with children with extra needs, if they try to do what you are telling them, they have to concentrate so hard on doing that one thing that there is no room for anything else! It's hard.

One great tip I got was to count 15 seconds after saying something, give the child 15 full seconds to take in what you said. Use as little words as possible and repeat exactly the same words, if you change the words then it's just like giving a new instruction on top of it.

Sorry for rambling on there, i obviously need to follow my own advice and use less words!!

Good luck. Ask for help.

The whole pick your battles / lower your expectations thing then just leads to other people thinking they are badly behaved because you're not strict enough.

I think current mind state has roots in my in laws telling us that we need to do something about them not doing as they are told. Which made my husband decide we need to be stricter. But it doesn't work does it? It just means you get into a negative spiral and the stress and anxiety spreads through the family.

But I do continually doubt myself. Surely it shouldn't be this hard. Surely I'm doing something wrong and this is my fault. Surely an 8 year old should know not to hit and bite and pull hair? Surely an 8 year old shouldn't scream all the time? Surely he should have learnt basic rules that even dogs can learn? Sit? Walk to heel? Don't poo on the floor?

I am really not enjoying them
Atall at the moment. Some days I even hate them. Which I obviously hate myself for.

Have you ever heard anyone from Dyspraxia Foundation speak? Understanding why my DSs can't do stuff, or need support, helped so much. I automatically do up buttons, open drinks, go round London following the disabled access routes (virtually no escalators).

So, do you get DLA? Do you have all the stuff to make life easier - locklaces, special cutlery, mats that keep plates in their place? Have they tried wedge cushions? One of my best finds ever were those jar opener gadgets .
This article is full of ideas -
www.fantasticdyspraxic.co.uk/dyspraxia-top-20-things-every-dyspraxic-should-know-about-cure-for-dyspraxia/

Reality is it is harder to be them, so it is harder to parent and the hands on stuff goes on for so much longer.

Sending you my first ever flowers and wine .

Just a thought and certainly no criticism but how about not asking but telling? Ive looked after about fifty children ( not all my own!) and many with unwanted behaviours. You seem to be using quite a few words when 'sit down' would get the message across just as well. I'm aware it may not work but, then, neither is the 'please can you sit down and so on'
I know that current parenting is kind, gentle and seems to demand that every request from the adult is made with a lengthy explanation.. However, it just doesn't work all the time

And sorry I meant to add that you have my greatest sympathy. You will get through this you know

I think Anedoche nails it.

It might help if you try to educate your DP / PIL's etc

It is hard work. Some people understand and some judge. You have to get to the point where you don't worry about the judgmental ones.

Dd1 has ASD Ds1 has long term medical condition. Ds2 has "complex needs" and Dd2 is just drove to distraction by the other three

You learn to adapt to what they can cope with ie. not fancy restaurants.

Find things that they and you can do together. Things that they are good at and start to rebuild your bonds that way.

Im sorry you two, that doesn't help, you're teaching me to suck eggs . DS was diagnosed at 3, before that we had years of tests and tears. I've already done years and years of advocating, of defending, of educating, of ignoring, of seeing the best and I will obviously continue to.

But i am not feeling it just now. I'm exhausted. :-(

but thanks too for your responses x

Sorry didn't mean to sound condescending. I don't think I cope particularly well myself so probably not the best person to give advice.

I find it unrelentingly difficult every single day and despite all the help there is supposed to be it is often just shit.

Self care. Support network. Thick skin. I hate feeling judged by other parents/people but you can hardly hold up a sign saying "* disorder - therapeutic parenting in progress". Because the nosy parkers don't deserve to know our family business.

I have no patience left either! It helps to only hang around with other families who have additional needs so you don't get the eye rolling etc. I have no other suggestions but you sound completely normal for a mum of children like yours.

My sisters daughter (has ADHD and audio processing issues) was once completely un-manageable. She was totally unpredicatable, violent and out of control. My sister found on-line some suggestions that artificial sweetners can contribute massively to these behaviours. She put my niece on a no-sweetner diet... 2 weeks later she was a different child. Yes she still has ADHD, yes she is still more difficult but that CRAZY has gone. My sister has since cut out all artificial flavors and colors and sweetners and seen further improvement. You can tell when my niece has been accidentally drugged now - her pupils dilate and she is "on one" for the afternoon. She reverts to the crazy child we all found impossible to cope with.

If your kids have fruit shoots or diet drinks, squashes, kids yogurts etc.. then they are eating a heavy dose of sweeteners. Try replacing with normal Ribena, pure orange juice or water. Replace kids yogurts with plain yogurt sweetened with honey and with fruit in. Avoid anything with "reduced sugar" as that means "increased sweetener" for 2 weeks and see if that helps... It certainly can't hurt and you may be amazed at the difference.

In the US many of these sweeteners are banned, they often come with warnings about hyperactivity in children.....

Cath although I see you are trying to help the link between nutrition and adhd is tenuous and if cutting out all those foods was a 'cure' people would know about it

Oh god that made me sound like a total hippy crazy woman! I generally don't subscribe to eating fads and we eat a normal pretty balanced diet in our house (with the occasional pizza binge!) I am not a nutter - I am a scientific professional and had I not seen the impact on my niece I would never have believed it. Honestly the sweeteners are like a drug. Without them she has ADHD and is a challenge to manage but she doesn't spit or bite, hit you in the face, scream, cry uncontrollably for no reason, smash things, stand in a corner twirling in place for hours on end. On the sweeteners she is like the kid out of the exorcist. Without them she is an easily distracted loud an pretty boisterous normal girl.

Hoochycoo I totally get it. I have times when I'm motoring along thinking that I've got it nailed and something comes along that just gets me right in the gut.

I have a nephew whose the same age as my DS2. He came to visit last week, and seeing him hanging out with my DS1 (age 12) just killed me. That should have been the relationship my sons had, teasing, talking nerf guns and rugby, playing Xbox... that was a sobbing in the shower evening

Do you feel trapped? I feel totally trapped. Other people are off having new experiences and I'm stuck here at home with our secure fences and locked gates.

I was in a cafe recently and six year old DS was arsing about, despite my verbals. A dear old posh gent leaned over and said...

'Listen, I have a son. He went away to live in Hong-Kong when he finished university and do you know? When he came home he was finally a reasonable person. He was 26.'

In the meantime, alcohol, chocolate and a world of medications exist. Stay strong and if in doubt, ask for help.