To think actually I'm not as amazing as everyone seems to think

[PeppaPigObsession]

I'm on my own with DD, 2. DD has a global developmental delay, speech delay, squint in her eye, hearing problems, and is asthmatic.

DD doesn't sleep much. and has regular appointments at 3 different hospitals and 6 different outpatients clinics. I don't drive so spend a lot of time with her on buses/trains or in someone elses car. Exh has nothing to do with us, money is horrendously tight, and I feel like half her conditions are my fault. She goes to a private day Nursery 3 days a week and I feel like it's because I can't cope, the nursery place is completely funded.

Everyone says I'm amazing for coping with it all on my own. I just think I've been lucky that it hasn't gone wrong sooner, and I'm waiting for it to go wrong and for Social Services or someone to step in and take her to someone who can cope.

I do love her, but I feel like such a fake. I'm not a proper parent, Nursery do nearly 50% of her care, and as she has no major behaviour issues I don't even really need to discipline her.

I'm a fake. I've been trying to do cheap or free things with her on the days she's not in Nursery. We're not doing too badly, but I feel like I hover too much, due to her delay she has physical issues standing and walking, but then I feel judged. So just can't face it.

She's clean, fed and mostly happy, but I don't feel like I do that.

Sorry to hear you feel like this but you're wrong about nursery. There are 168 hours in a week. Does she go to nursery for over 80 hours?? I don't think so, I'm guessing it's more like 15?

You're also wrong I'm sure about any of this being your fault. And about being a "fake".

My ds does three days at nursery and I have a husband? Do you think that makes me a rubbish mum? I bet you are judging yourself far more harshly than you ever would anyone else.

YABVU, You're a single parent so you're not a fake.
If its any consolation many people feel they are winging it. Google 'imposter syndrome'.

The fact you're worrying so much says a lot about how good you are as a mum. I think everyone doubts themselves every now and again, I know I do. If your dd is happy, loved, fed and clean, you're doing fine.

I still feel like I'm winging it half the time!

You are not a fake at all. I know it's difficult but try to be kind to yourself.

I've read your other thread and I think you're wrong here - you ARE amazing. You seems so together and you've dealt so well with your partner leaving. I wish you could see yourself what a good job you are doing. Wishing you all the very best.

Hiya, I've read your threads before.I think you come over as a great, loving parent, who has a lot on your plate, and is doing a fine job in difficult circumstances.

You yourself have said that going to nursery is good for DD, so just focus on that: although any single parent on the planet is going to welcome a bit of a break as well, that's allowed.

We do have a peculiar culture around disability : disabled children are seen as 'little Angels' and their parents as almost saintlike people. Where actually, disabled children and their parents are just people, sometimes wonderful, sometimes less so, just like all of us. I think parents of more average DC can see that you have more to deal with, and demanding phases that their own DC go through fairly quickly are an ongoing reality for some parents.And they think, wow I don't know if I could do that, so they place you on a pedestal, which is not at all a comfortable place to be.

We're parents: we do our best for our DC, even if it's not how we imagined it would be.That's the job- which you are certainly no fake at. In the gentlest possible way, it would be good if you tried to catch yourself criticising yourself, and counter it by also patting yourself on the back.

The happiness of your DC, and the way she is liked by others speaks volumes about what kind of parent you are.

Imagine you were look My at someone else's life. Would you think they were failing?

No. You are amazing. You may not feel it but you are. You don't have to be perfect to be amazing.

I'm a single parent too and DD is getting 1:1 and high needs funding for her learning next year at school. I sometimes blame myself and think I just haven't been firm enough with her, or engaged enough, or practised her writing or any number of things. I don't know if any of it is true. But like you I really hate people calling me 'amazing'. I'm doing the same as anyone else and probably not as well. I also don't like being 'bigged Up' IYSWIM, it makes me feel awkward and embarrassed and I know people are only saying it to be nice and boost my self esteem, but it doesn't. So I just wanted you to know that I get where you're coming from. X

You're as much of a parent as the rest of us.

You love your daughter and I bet she loves you to bits too.
You're doing the best you can for her.

That's all any of us can do.

You sound pretty amazing to me, be kind to yourself.

You are being incredibly hard on yourself! It sounds like you are doing well in tough circumstances. 2 year olds don't make themselves clean, fed and happy, you are doing that!

I know how you feel when people say ' you are amazing' because people say it to me for a different reason, and like you, I always wince a bit inside, because I'm not amazing, I'm a normal person who has negative emotions about the situation I find myself in and often don't think I'm coping that well, so when someone says 'you're amazing' you end up feeling like a fraud.

It may help you to remember what they are really saying is 'that sounds like a lot to cope with, I don't know how I'd handle that'. It's just an admission life is hard for you, and by keeping going, you are doing ok.

You sound down on yourself, and it's easy to be self-critical in these types of situation and imagine how things could be better, but in fact, if you are all still surviving, then you are doing ok.

Don't get hung up on the 'amazing' remarks and beat yourself up that you are not 'amazing'. I'm not amazing either, we are just ordinary people doing our best most of the time for our loved ones. You are a survivor though, and that counts for a lot. For that, you should congratulate yourself, don't worry what others think or say.

YOU sound amazing to me - bringing up children is hard work and if that child also has special needs and needs help and you are providing this for her, then its even more hard work - if she goes to nursery or not is another matter - you still need to be around for her when she isnt at nursery and provide love and care, which you are, not to mention the numerous appointments she needs. Dont be too hard on yourself - your DD's dad isnt the amazing one as he has left you to it. I find it sad that so many men do this. Do you have any other help from family or friends? It must be hard, but there is always lots of support on here.

OP you also say you feel you have caused half your dd's problems, in what way? Are you finding it hard when to step in to help her/when to hold back and risk her falling? Where do you feel you need help?

Sometimes people just telling you you are amazing can shut down the conversation a bit about the negative side of what's going on- it's hard to admit you are struggling to cope if someone's just labelled you as super-woman!

It sounds to me as if you are doing a very good job in very difficult circumstances. We all feel like we're winging it sometimes. You clearly love the bones of your daughter and she loves you... please don't beat yourself up.

I remember one of your other threads Peppa and hope you got your financial situation sorted out. I was so impressed at how together you were and how devoted you are to your DD despite all the circumstances you found yourself in. That would wear anyone down but your love for your daughter shines through and you have dealt with it brilliantly.

Summer Her squint and asthma are inherited from me, and depending on what her hearing problem is I'm likely a carrier for that as my brother has hearing problems which are inherited.

I know when to step in as you can tell from her face whether it's going to be a bump and she gets up, or whether she's going to fall and really hurt herself so you have to grab her. I just feel judged because she can't climb so at Soft Play/Places with stairs I have to place her/carry her and I think other parents must think I'm allowing her to be lazy.

Peppa but by that standard, your asthma and squint are not your fault, they are your parents fault, which was their parents fault and so on! I don't think it's right to think of this as your fault- but I do understand that often people do feel responsible. You aren't though, pretty much everyone passes on something to their children, it's normal and not something you should feel bad about. One good thing is that you live in a developed country so the squint can be treated, so can the asthma and so on so although it is a genetic lottery (not all genetic things are passed down anyway), your dd does have NHS support and also this support at nursery which is really invaluable.

You just sound very alone yourself in terms of support, which is not surprising given you have been left high and dry by your useless partner and have to spend so much of your time attending appointments- being the parent of a child with disabilities is a full time job! Have you talked with the health visitor about this side of things at all? You sound from your threads like a very articulate person, if I remember rightly you'd been to college and it must be frustrating to have life's path rather set for you at this stage, but your dd will grow up, and you are doing a good job at the moment of structuring your life to meet her needs, your needs also play a part in this and now she's more settled, perhaps this is something you can think about for yourself.

Summer Yes I have a degree and I'd love to work.

I am alone really. I have friends around me but non of them really understand. The Health Visitor is lovely, but she likes to leave me to it and tries not to interfere too much, which is understandable. Next time I see her I'll mention it

I get where you are coming from in a way, i am a single mum to 7 year old DS who has multiple disabilities and more still being identified. Personally I hate it when people say I am amazing, to me I am just being a mum ok we may not have traditional circumstances but like any half decent parent I am doing what is needed to help ds thrive. Some days it feels like I am treading water and getting nowhere but we will get there in the end.

It has taken me 7 years but I have finally self referred mhself for councelling to help me deal with things.

Don't be afraid to ask for help!

Remember you already have a job (carer to a disabled child) even if you have a few short hours off when she's at nursery.

Being a carer is quite a lonely occupation, I'm one too and it's very easy to feel isolated as others around you won't necessarily understand- especially perhaps younger people who don't have your responsibilities (although they could still be really good friends, I wouldn't write them off). You need an outlet for your frustrations. Some of the things I've tried have been- writing a diary, not every day, but some days, just a stream of consciousness about my feelings about what's happening in my life/caring role (good place to put frustrations and negative emotions, also good to read back), speaking to a counsellor- is there a group for young carers you could join? Or a playgroup/children's centre/church based group you could get support? I also lean a lot on my parents who are probably fed up of listening but never let it show.

I think getting some support for yourself, wherever it comes from, would help- you are in an isolating situation and many people do slip into depression as a result, it would be a shame if that happened for you, so I would speak with the HV as a starting point, perhaps ask on the SN boards here for ideas of how to get support for yourself (not just your dd) and reach out as much as you can and tell people (one or two nice ones) about what it's like to be you. You feel awful they say you are 'amazing' as you have nowhere to offload the strain of being a carer and all your worries and negative stuff- if you had somewhere, you'd feel less like a fraud. Posting here also lets some of it out too hopefully,

Peppa. I just want to say I understand. Similar feelings here: two DC with SN and plenty of 'ooh you're an amazing mother' which makes it well nigh impossible to scramble down off the pedestal and ask for help.

If I was there with you I'd pour you a glass of wine/cup of tea, find something unhealthy to eat and acknowledge that sometimes, it's just all a bit shit. And we could sit and eat and drink and contemplate the shitness together. That's what I really want people to say, I think.

People know that your DD has no behaviour issues and goes to nursery. It is what one assumes to be the case if not stated otherwise.
They still think you are amazing. Accept it.

Be kind to yourself.

And just so you know, if there ARE people who judge you for carrying your daughter, they're really not important enough to worry about their opinion. Anyone who would think that a 2 year old child is capable of "lazyness" and must be forced to "work" is... a very strange person, at least.

I'm just upset. As well as all her issues DD has incredibly small feet. She learnt to walk in March and got shoes at the end of April.

She was measuring at a size 2.5E. I get a voucher from the NHS to buy her shoes due to her specific requirements (has to be startrite, leather based, leather covering, closed toe shoes, Bar or T Bar being preferred so she can have some independence to get them on and off herself). The smallest size startrite do in her requirement is a 3F, which were £50 so covered by the voucher (just! voucher is for £49.99) and I had to have an insole specially made so she could wear the shoes, that cost me £25. I was with Exh at the time so managed to afford it.

She's just had her feet measured a few weeks back, and had the insole taken out as she's now measuring a 3E, but the pediatrician says the width shouldn't matter too much as long as they're not too tight.

Since she had them measured again (it was the 3rd time as I take her every 8-10 weeks to be measured but waited 12 this time) I've been trying to find a second pair of shoes for her, in her size that meet the requirements with no luck.

Nursery have just asked for wellies from home for the kids as they've just got mud kitchens. The email said that any child without wellies cannot take part as shoes maybe ruined. I'm not 100% sure but don't think DD is allowed wellies as they're usually plastic/rubber soled, I will check. I'm just gutted for her, she'd love the mud kitchens but can't take part

she'd love the mud kitchens but can't take part

She should be able to. The nursery should make reasonable adjustments to allow a child with disabilities to join in activities, so they should make an exception for your DD, and say as long as her shoes ar practical that's okay (or similar). Or, you could contact the people who've given you advice on her shoes and ask if wellies for a short time on occasion would be okay to enable her to join in. I'm sure there will be a way around it.