Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

the life you were meant to want vs the life you want

38 replies

gurgeh · 20/08/2017 11:32

I've been doing a lot of life thinking recently after a divorce and a life-changing diagnosis.

I typed out a looooong OP about a huge lifechange I'm hoping to engineer over the next few years but i realised that actually what I'm worried about is moving away from the life I'm "meant" to want (by family, by my own past expectations and assumptions) to the life i actually want. Does that make sense?

I have a corporate career with amazing benefits and a company car and exotic holidays and meals out etc. Potential for a 6 figure salary.

I want to live by the sea with a kid and a dog and work part time in a job which helps people with my condition. Its going to take so much work to get there.

Has anyone else moved away from their "expected" life and its been ok?

OP posts:
MyheartbelongstoG · 20/08/2017 11:34

Of course its OK. Life isn't set in stone. Do what makes you happy op.

Squeegle · 20/08/2017 11:35

I haven't done it, but just wanted to say it's your life and you are right to stick to what you want. Otherwise you will feel resentful later. If you plan things they will work out. I'm sorry that you have these life changing things to consider, but it does sound like you are well in control of what direction you want to go in.

Babbitywabbit · 20/08/2017 11:55

Go for it! Life is about becoming the person you feel you really are- not someone who is defined by other people's expectations.

Of course, your journey to get where you want to be and maintain that life need to be grounded in reality, otherwise you're setting yourself up for disappointment. I'm meaning this in general terms, e.g.: someone who just says 'I'm going to jack it all in, move to a dream cottage by the sea and have 4 children' needs the wherewithal financially to make that happen, and needs to understand there are no guarantees of anyone being able to have 4 children.

But you sound as though you have solid foundations to build your new life on. This isn't some whimsical dream, just a new direction which you have the means, skills and determination to achieve

Go for it!

bootygirl · 20/08/2017 11:58

Sounds a lovely life to me!
Not sure you could afford to be part time long term unless you have cash for property by the sea?
Life is nt linear. Enjoy 😊

Ilovecoleslaw · 20/08/2017 12:03

A law career was always heavily pushed on me throughout school and college when I showed a very slight interest in law and politics.
I ended up applying for law at uni and getting in but half way through my a level exams I gained the courage to tell my parents that i was going to do nursing instead.
My mum said I'd hate it and I'd make an awful nurse. She tried everything to get me to change my mine (even threatening to kick me out) Dad supported me.
I qualify in 6 months and it's the best choice I could have ever made!

SweetLuck · 20/08/2017 12:05

I have moved from the corporate life you currently have, to life in a holiday town with a child and a part time job. It wasn't some big thought out move, just a series of decisions that felt right. To be honest I do dislike a low income, but I realise that the sick feeling of anxiety I had throughout my 20s was more a product of my job than my personality.

Squeegle · 20/08/2017 23:19

So. sweet, are you happier now? Did the sick feeling go? What job did you get? Was it difficult to find work at all?

SweetLuck · 21/08/2017 00:58

I am happier. The sick feeling has totally gone.

Squeegle · 21/08/2017 22:08

That is good to hear. I quite often have that sick feeling; it's the conflict I find hard at work, not the actual work.

PacificDogwod · 21/08/2017 22:11

I think freeing yourself from such unquestioned expectations on what life you 'should' lead is where happiness lies.
I think.
It's not like I am taking my own advice Grin

Wishing you all the best - sounds like you've been/are going through a lot Thanks

Fwiw, I was 'meant' to lead a life of idleness and luxury, but somebody forgot to arrange to have me birthed to the correct parents. And then I did not marry for money. And my job does not pay well enough for me to lead the lifestyle I would love to become accustomed to Wink

Squeegle · 22/08/2017 07:04

Pacific- you and me both! Sounds like we missed our real lives somewhere Grin

PacificDogwod · 22/08/2017 16:35

gurgeh, are you ok?

I felt a bit bad that I posted a little flippantly - I'm not sure that was what you were after with hindsight.

I think the unspoken (or spoken) expectations that family, friends, society has on us are really hard to break.
Could you not use your current earning potential to work towards your goal of living by the sea/part-time work/helping others?
It may be more bearable to be a wage slave if it is for the purpose of something you really want.

Thanks
LittleWitch · 22/08/2017 16:43

I can understand what you're saying and my advice would be to do what you really want. "You only have one life" is a cliché, but it's absolutely true. Do not waste one second of it doing things you don't want to do and living in a way you don't want to live just because you believe that others think that's what you should be doing, or think that's what you think you should be doing.

My life is somewhat the other way around. Some years ago while standing in a field in Spain I thought to myself "How did this get to be my life? My life is being married to a chartered accountant, living in a desirable suburb somewhere with my children and my career" , NOT "Here I am supporting my husband representing his country in a minority sport in a dusty corner of a foreign land, with no money, no home of our own and no prospects of things ever being any different, but ain't life grand?" Smile

I did used to wonder what other people thought, and indeed, what I thought, but hey, this is how things have turned out. I do have my career, we now have our own home and we do live in a desirable place, so just go along with your instinct and see what happens.

Original poster
gurgeh · 22/08/2017 17:11

I am ok, thank you Pacific Flowers

I'm just a bit lost at the moment. I don't really know what my diagnosis will mean for me, but I know I can't continue my current career. And i know my parents will never accept that my diagnosis is real, so they'll just see it as another gurgeh fuck up. I just want to be happy.

But like a pp says, i think i could do a year where i am. Come to terms with things. Make a plan. Learn what it is i need. Save some money.

OP posts:
Middleoftheroad · 22/08/2017 17:17

Get a plan. Save and make the move before kids, mortgages etc. I still regret not moving by the sea and I can't yet due to DCs schools. Maybe one day.

Seize the day, only get prepared first Smile

misshelena · 22/08/2017 17:27

I quit my 6-figure very glamorous globe-trotting job a decade ago. That was the life I was supposed to have wanted -- having it all, the professional career, the beautiful family, etc. But I just didn't want to be so busy all the time, so I quit to stay home with my then 7 and 4yo. I feel guilty sometimes for wasting all that fancy education I got.

menopausehag · 22/08/2017 17:34

I've done it. It's been really hard and I'm not fully convinced I managed it well. If I were to go again I would do it at a slower pace, get more advice, which you are starting here!, and protect myself better financially. And also, some of the things you think you might enjoy, you may not. See if you can do things in stages...reduce hours / try voluntary work etc. There is life after a chronic diagnosis, trust me! Good luck x

SweetLuck · 22/08/2017 18:56

I couldn't have done it if I weren't mortgage free.

TravellingFleet · 22/08/2017 19:05

I've done this to some extent - left the luxurious life for volunteering in the developing world. I don't regret trying a very different lifestyle, but I will say that it's made me recognise much more clearly the many, many aspects of my previous life that I loved. I'm looking forward to being able to unite the two aspects of my personality in the future.

Original poster
gurgeh · 22/08/2017 19:06

I mean, i am mortgage free because I'm in rental Grin but i do have a sizeable deposit. Not enough to buy outright, but doable.

OP posts:
Original poster
gurgeh · 22/08/2017 19:08

travellingfleet i get this. I've been bone crushingly poor but in a worthy job and i thought money/disposable income would solve it. Now i have enough money to do whatever i want in terms of hobbies, holidays etc (combo of low outgoings and cheap desires Grin) but its still not right.

OP posts:
sebumfillaments · 22/08/2017 19:11

Jaywick is by the sea and very affordable.

Original poster
gurgeh · 22/08/2017 19:15

sebum Grin you are naughty, i had to google that. I was thinking more Dorset way!

OP posts:
Motoko · 22/08/2017 20:11

Swanage is a lovely small town on the coast in Dorset. It's not cheap though.
When I'm daydreaming, I have a browse on Rightmove at houses down there!

I think you need to make a plan. Save, and work out how much you can afford to buy a house. Gets as low of a mortgage as possible if you're planning on working part time. You'll also need to have a job lined up to get a mortgage.

There's nothing wrong with a change of direction. There's more to life than a high salary and the material trappings that come with it.

stargirl1701 · 22/08/2017 20:18

Doing it.

I am a primary school teacher and I am retraining as a breastfeeding counsellor.

Life is to be lived for you.

Swipe left for the next trending thread