the life you were meant to want vs the life you want

[gurgeh]

I've been doing a lot of life thinking recently after a divorce and a life-changing diagnosis.

I typed out a looooong OP about a huge lifechange I'm hoping to engineer over the next few years but i realised that actually what I'm worried about is moving away from the life I'm "meant" to want (by family, by my own past expectations and assumptions) to the life i actually want. Does that make sense?

I have a corporate career with amazing benefits and a company car and exotic holidays and meals out etc. Potential for a 6 figure salary.

I want to live by the sea with a kid and a dog and work part time in a job which helps people with my condition. Its going to take so much work to get there.

Has anyone else moved away from their "expected" life and its been ok?

I was only half joking! Rightmove within 10 miles of there is addictive! Point clear and St Osyth are lovely, although there are shitty bits too

I'm reading this thinking I know of someone who has done this.

She owns/runs (dont know which) the beach cafe in a beautiful village in Cornwall. She has a life changing illness and fund raises for it. She used to live in London, so I am making an assumption that the move meant giving up a career.

I am about to move there myself. I am different, in that I have never 'made it' in my chosen career, so have spent 20 years just working to make money. What I do doesnt fulfil me at all, even though lots of people (in the chosen career I failed at!) would want to be where I am.

So I am moving for a simpler life in the country by the sea. I think friends are worried that I will be isolated and bored!

My advice is to get your ducks in a row. Save save save. Live on as little as possible and save most of your salary. Do this for a year or 2. The point of your life then will be creating this new life for yourself.

I have done this for the last year and will do for another year. With me its been on a combined salary of 50k though!

And i know my parents will never accept that my diagnosis is real, so they'll just see it as another gurgeh fuck up. I just want to be happy.

I can tell you right now that you will never be happy as long as you are living for someone else. Be true to yourself, OP.

Also, if you have a large deposit, have a look at holiday let mortgages.

You could buy something now, then rent it out while you sort yourself out. When the fixed period runs out, swap to a residential mortgage and move down. It would also mean you could spend time there in the winter to get a feel for what your new life would be like, as you have empty weeks in the winter.

My advice is to get your ducks in a row. Save save save. Live on as little as possible and save most of your salary. Do this for a year or 2. The point of your life then will be creating this new life for yourself.

I agree with this. I was on £125k + bonus at 28 (American law firm) and thoroughly unhappy. I now do a less frenetic kind of law when I have to; the rest of the time I help people with their CVs. What made it possible for me was when the right moment came along I had savings available to give it a go, and enough of a grounding in my legal career that I felt I could find some sort of legal job relatively quickly if it went tits up.

It's been over a year now. It hasn't gone tits up .

Your life is for you, OP. No-one else is going to thank you for sticking in a job you hate, living where you're supposed to live or spending your money the way others do - so don't do it unless that's what you want.

I have done this. I left my career a few months ago to set up my own business. I am flat broke and don't know if my business will be a success, but I am so happy!

I hated my job, it just wasn't me. Too bad it took me 2 decades to figure that out, but never mind.

It's never too late to be who you might have been.

I don't know why you are even asking this. Just do what you want.

I was very academic at school. Went to Cambridge, got a first. I now work part time out of choice, am childless out of choice and spend my days off mountain biking.

I really didn't want some high flying stressful career, even though that's what you're supposed to do and I am happy with my choices.

heron, I hope you don't mind me asking, but how do your family feel about your choices? Not that you should give a fuck, obvs. I'm just curious.

I think often you do look at other tracks in life and wonder if you would be happier in those.

Like trying on a different outfit I suppose.

I'm the opposite, I have the children and the part time job helping others and after a life changing illness I realise I wish I'd had a good career and not put my children first.

Quite different but I re-trained as a teacher after working in finance for a long time. Moved away from the city and took a huge pay-cut (previous job was spectacularly well-paid but vile hours for DCs and family).

Life is different, now. We have more than enough still and are incredibly lucky. But our pace of life has changed, I see more of my DCs, I spend more time at home, I spend more time happy than unhappy. It was tough moving and finding new friends, putting down new roots. But now that we're here there's nowhere else in the world I'd prefer to be. Every second spent staying up til 2am studying was worth it for the life I have now.

Also, my Mum and Dad love that I retrained as a teacher; both agreed it was what I was always meant to do. MIL was devastated as she says I'm "only" a teacher, that it's not real work and she can't brag about it to her mates the way she could a city job.

I think those who truly want to see you happy will back you regardless.

I think my parents are slightly disappointed that I haven't gone for some mega career but they have never said anything.