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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to ask for help controlling my temper with toddler

41 replies

HarrisHawk · 19/08/2017 18:59

Toddler DS is in a difficult phase - I know it's not his fault, we've had a lot of disruption/upset lately and he's acting up to get my attention.

But as much as I know that rationally, I am losing my temper. I've shouted at him (proper lost-my-rag shouting, not firm-voice-to-show-I-mean-it) and have come really close to slapping him, which is something I'm totally opposed to.

How can I keep my cool? In the moment I'm so angry that I'm not thinking straight.

OP posts:

miniloco · 19/08/2017 19:09

I have no advise but I just wanted to add that I feel exactly the same as this. Makes me feel like shit and every day I wake up saying I won't let it happen again, some days are more successful than others. Bloody hard isn't it!

Digestive28 · 19/08/2017 19:09

Randomly I found singing helped. I go high pitched when mad so I forced what I was saying into song, calmed me down and worked as a distraction. Otherwise, no other tips but good luck and well done for trying to improve

Original poster

HarrisHawk · 19/08/2017 19:11

Interesting about singing - I do a lot of silly songs, which usually distract him/jolly him along enough to defuse the problem.

But when I'm really angry....I just erupt. Straight to the shouting :(

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Original poster

HarrisHawk · 19/08/2017 19:12

And yes it is really hard!

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LookMoreCloselier · 19/08/2017 19:19

My toddler is going through a stage of more difficult behaviour too, I find the naughty step works now that he is 2 and understands, 2 minutes then he apologises. The time out is as much for me as it is for him.

FramptonRose · 19/08/2017 19:19

I am there with you.
My three year old CD is a nightmare. He is coming up to the four now and his speaking has come on and the tantrums are getting less and less but he would explode and hit me, headbutt me, kick me, I was at breaking point, I practically threw him in to the nursery on his first day, I just wanted some peace.
I can see light at the end of the tunnel now, don't get me.wrong he still has his days but they are becoming more infrequent.

I tried everything, reward charts, days out (I have to older DDs) just me and him, being strict, not so strict and he just didn't listen to me.
Apparently I was incredibly hard work from the ages of 2 and 4, so perhaps it's karma for me for what I out my mum through

Seriously though, do you get a break away from him, I found that really helped me, Is he in nursery yet, my DC nursery were so supportive and really worked with me to help him.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 19/08/2017 19:19

Ah toddlers can really try your patience. They're finding boundaries.

Do you have anyone else around to help out? Just thinking if you had some breathing space away from ds that might help?

Otherwise can only suggest the old tried and tested counting to ten before saying anything. Or a deep breath to have a pause.

I like the singing idea too. That's a good one. Hopefully you'll get some more ideas on here. Take care and be kind to yourself

FramptonRose · 19/08/2017 19:20

Should have said DS not CD

WildBelle · 19/08/2017 19:25

2mg of diazepam whenever I felt the urge to kill her was the answer for me. I wish I was joking!

kkkkaty123 · 19/08/2017 19:32

Ok you're all gonna think what a load off bollocks when I say what I'm gonna say but ..... I once read years ago that visualising them as newborns/ the first time you held them works. I tried this when I was going through a bad stage with one of mine and it actually helped. Also I'm a big advocate of leaving the room where possible. I know this can't always be done however.

thehousethatjillbuilt · 19/08/2017 19:39

Watching with interest. My two year old twins are driving me to the end of my tether daily.

Earlyriser84 · 19/08/2017 19:40

No words of advice really but going through the same thing. Oh my days my DD is 2.9 years and i thought we were getting past the terrible twos but over the last week her behaviour has been very very trying.

Naughty step doesn't work as she thinks it's a game and funny.

Might try the singing though !

longingformore · 19/08/2017 19:52

I agree with a pp that when my dc is testing me, I imagine her as a little newborn/glance over at a photo, and it really helps me to calm down.

Also what do you find your ds is having tantrums over? I often ask myself, 'do I have to say no?' Say dd wants to do something herself, even if it takes longer. I also let her make small choices throughout the day - for example a choice of two outfits, a choice of two fruits etc - and I find she likes having some control in her day. We also do baby sign together to help her communicate. My DD is too young for this - but I saw online something called a self regulation corner which I thought was a good idea. You have pictures of different faces to show emotions, and your toddler can pick the face depending on how they feel (over time they apparently learn to do this before their emotions are too overwhelming). They then have a variety of 'quiet time' activities to do until they feel okay again, such as play dough, colouring, a book etc. Afterwards you speak with them about their feelings, and also you can talks out how you feel. So much of tantrums is the child figuring out their emotions, and it can feel very overwhelming for them.

A quote I like is "don't join their chaos, but share your calm". If you need a five minute break that is absolutely fine, you aren't failing and nobodies perfect.

Original poster

HarrisHawk · 19/08/2017 19:54

Thanks for the comments.

He does go to nursery 3 mornings a week to socialise / give me a break, and I definitely find him easier on those afternoons when I've had some time away from him!

We have a baby as well so no real time off for me.

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TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 19/08/2017 19:54

OP if there's been a lot of disruption and upset in your family, then don't discount the effect that will have had on you. You are probably tired and stressed too, and you can't try to suppress that on the grounds that you're a mum so you have to be OK. You'll be much closer to the edge than you usually are.

Add to that a toddler going through all the usual stages and no wonder you're finding it hard.

Try to get some time for yourself when he's in bed, or when you can get someone else to take him for a bit. If you feel better, you'll find it easier to deal with him.

Original poster

HarrisHawk · 19/08/2017 19:59

Good idea about picturing him as a newborn - I do try to remind myself he's still really young.

And I like the "self-regulation" corner too, I might try that.

We do give him options, let him do things how he wants them as much as possible, and I am only saying no on the real non-negotiables.

Its not so much tantrums, it's more that he runs off towards the road, tries to kick the baby, throws books at my head, throws food on the floor, pulls everything off the shelves, draws on furniture etc etc etc. It's constant.

He's stronger than average for his age, and he's regularly really hurting me, like I'm getting bruises from him. He's hurt the baby a few times so they can't be left together at all.

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Original poster

HarrisHawk · 19/08/2017 20:00

Time for myself would be lovely, my mum is going to visit next week to give me a little break. I do feel pretty close to the edge at times.

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barefoofdoctor · 19/08/2017 20:01

No real advice except leave the room/go up/downstairs and do all the swears ever in your head until you are calm enough to return. I tend to leave DD3 alone when she's on one and let the worst of it pass/let her come and find me when she is snivelling but a bit more chilled (2 up 2 down house so not much room to escape etc!). She has started to calm when I demand she stops snivelling/crying in 5 seconds and count her down, in my sternest, most Head Teacherly voice (am not nor have ever been a head teacher). This seems to be doing the trick, but the very strong medication I take for chronic pain helps me remain calmer than I am sure i'd be unmediated (Chronic pain perks). I have also dug a pond in a hiddenish corner of my garden with lovely plants around it - so lovely and calming - where I sometimes go to decompress.

longingformore · 19/08/2017 20:03

I thought the self regulation corner sounded good too, I haven't tried it though so no idea how well it actually works!

Absolutely there are things you definitely have to say no to, especially dangers. I just wish they would understand sometimes that you aren't just being nasty mummy, but you say no because you love them. Hopefully you're able to get a break soon.

Original poster

HarrisHawk · 19/08/2017 20:06

I'm actually wondering about getting the playpen back out so I could put him in there for a bit when we both need to calm down. I can't really leave him alone in any room of the house as he's not safe once he's in a real strop.

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Helendipity · 19/08/2017 20:09

It's so exhausting and frustrating with a toddler and a baby and anyone who says they don't have moments like that is a total liar, or have amnesia. Possibly wine-induced.

How old is the baby OP?

Mine is 7 months and my toddler is 2 and... argh!!

I've definitely felt more angry than ever before and I don't know if it's the sleep deprivation, the challenge of having 2 ALL THE TIME or the typical toddler antics.

The thing that's helped me is from the Janet Lansbury website - google it alongside 'discipline help' or something.

It's all about how to stay 'unruffled', calm and steady in those moments. 1 thing is to understand what toddler testing is and why they do it and respond with certainty - think she even recommends you take a deep breath, pretend to put on superhero armour and cape Sounds bonkers but reading her blogs filled me with confidence and have really helped so worth a try!

I think they say it gets easier and also that it's just a phase. I'll drink to that

Good luck op xxx

Original poster

HarrisHawk · 19/08/2017 20:13

Thank you, yes baby plus 2 year old is really hard! Baby is 6 months and lovely :)

I've looked at Janet Lansbury before but thank you for the reminder, I'll definitely have a look at her articles on toddler discipline.

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coursedarlin · 19/08/2017 20:18

I have no advice but thank you for posting this. I have had the worst day with my 3 yo DD. I have been on the verge of tears but just knowing someone else is in the same situation actually really helps. Its me her and 5 week old DS who today she has tried to hit and squeeze as well as generally being awful. We have tried everything from reward charts to naughty step but she just gets up and finds it funny. I'm at the end of my tether but trying and failing to keep calm. Thank you for posting and to everyone with advice

Original poster

HarrisHawk · 19/08/2017 20:21

Naughty step doesn't work here either - he just gets up again laughing!

I've been reading calmer easier happier parenting about descriptive praise, has anybody had success with that?

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kkkkaty123 · 19/08/2017 20:38

Agree with a pp about us saying no to stuff we could say yes too. Until I checked myself recently I realised I was saying no to everything or most things. It's like I was programmed. But then I thought hang on a minute why can't she wear the jacket she wants to wear or the shoes she's chosen. Sometimes and I stress sometimes the tantrums my one throws are brought on by me not bending a little. Trouble is there's a fine line also by not following through or giving in. So I might say actually dd yes you can wear that jacket as that's very pretty isn't it. God I hope I'm making myself understood but most of my battles seem to be getting out the house. Also letting them have choices too. Would you like to do play doh or puzzles ? Parenting is bloody hard work. I've made mistakes but I try my best as I'm sure everyone on this thread is doing. I've had three dc. I've come to realise sometimes it's a case of choosing your battles

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