AIBU to ask for help controlling my temper with toddler

[HarrisHawk]

Toddler DS is in a difficult phase - I know it's not his fault, we've had a lot of disruption/upset lately and he's acting up to get my attention.

But as much as I know that rationally, I am losing my temper. I've shouted at him (proper lost-my-rag shouting, not firm-voice-to-show-I-mean-it) and have come really close to slapping him, which is something I'm totally opposed to.

How can I keep my cool? In the moment I'm so angry that I'm not thinking straight.

Regarding naughty corner at dd nursery they have a 'thinking chair' I kind of like that name as it doesn't focus on a negative. We have a naughty corner but may get a thinking chair with straps

My 14 month old has started throwing tantrums...i was hoping to get at least another 6 months of happy babyhood but alas i had to carry her out of the park on my shoulders while she screamed blue murder that another child had gone on the rocking duck.

She cant talk yet either so everything is frustrating for her.

I find deep breaths help.

Op I have definitely been through this recently but you might be encouraged to know that we have finally passed this phase! I felt exactly the same as you do, had a toddler and a second baby to look after too. I shouted a lot ( hence my username). But I'd cry to myself afterwards because I knew I'd been over the top, he is only little.
Though we have survived it, I will warn that I now notice ds copies me when he gets annoyed and has shouted back at me.
Anyway, what worked for me was to just to say "would you like me to calm you down?" , and hug them. You'll still feel angry but unless you break their tantruming state, you won't get through to them and you'll just end up getting more worked up. This way calmed me down too. Then you can reprimand properly with them actually listening. Didn't always work but when it did, the whole thing resolved much quicker.
Be strong and consistent. You'll get through this ❤

Glad to read i'm not the only person who feels like this with a toddler.

Was thinking I needed to see a therapist. My 20 month old is really pushing my buttons at the moment. When she's doing something to piss me off i tell her i'm going to smack her, but i've never done that and i never will. I feel terrible for making the threat.

I find Laura Markham's website ahapareting.com has some great stuff on managing your own reactions. www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/positive-discipline/handling-anger is probably a good place to start. As PP have said, if you've been having a stressful time as a family you probably need some time to recover yourself as it's hard to parent well when you're running on empty.

Often feeling like this means you really need a break. A baby and a toddler is so SO hard. I wonder how I survived it!
The older one is so little still but it's hard to see that when you have a tiny baby too. I always found getting out of the house all day was good, toddler was distracted and I was better behaved too!
Try to factor in some treats for you in the day, even a nice coffee, or half hour when you stick the iPad on. Give yourself as much of a break as you can and remember to congratulate yourself on all the good stuff you do, not just remember the losing the plot moments.

Thanks for posting this. I've only got 1 nearing 3 and I find myself physically forcing her to do something at least once a day. Getting dressed. Getting undressed. Going to bed. Getting out of the house. Getting in the house and off the street after coming home. She just ignores us. If we do a stern voice she shouts back Gah Gah Gah don't shout at me. (Mostly I think fair enough) Runs off in shops. And whilst Im not hurting her I do feel awful wrangling her into clothes for example when she's really resisting. So no advice. Just - you're not alone feeling the rage. Occaisionally articulating what I think she's feeling works - Are you cross because I made you put on the wrong dress? Or when she's really pushing it but not in a rage it sometimes works to say in quite a hard way - do you need to go and have a think on the stairs for a minute? Go on. You can come back when you're finished thinking and feeling better.

There are some wonderful tips here, thanks. I love the singing and visualising as newborns ideas.

My dd found the idea of naughty step fun and likely ds would be the same. So time out usually just means me disengaging from them rather than a specific location.

I repeat "this is not an emergency" in my head until I'm calmer. Or "when they go low, go high" or "kids are a mirror". The latter reminds me if I want her to be calm I have to show her calm, even though inside I'm a ball of fury at times!

Also try to remember that when you most need a break is when he needs you the most. So at their most angry/stressed kids need love and cuddles, even if it's the last thing you feel capable of. They can't effectively calm themselves down in the same way you can, and they can't see reason or listen to you until they're calm. So I repeat my mantras mentally while trying to give cuddles. Once we are both properly calm and logical then we talk it through. Cuddling her helps me too, even when what I want to do is walk run away

Thanks for this thread. I have felt so guilty today at the anger I have felt towards my 22 month old. He hurt me, accidentally I think, and I moved his hand away roughly and upset him.
I am pregnant and I think the hormonal changes are causing me to get angry quickly. I have little patience for his crying and persistent requests.

I am finding 'toddler calm' a very helpful read. It doesn't help me much in the moment however. I will try some of the suggestions from here (although I can't imagine the thinking of him as a newborn one would work. It might make me burst into tears in my current state! And then remember the horror and panic of that time and totally freak me out).

Hugs! Try hugging your toddler when they are having a tantrum, or at least offering them a hug. They are probably very stressed and upset and need love not telling off / putting in time out.

Yes the hugging out a tantrum works. My dh googled what to do in a tantrum and that's what came up. I was really sceptical and reluctant if I'm honest but like pp said they don't know how to snap out of it. I didn't know this !! Dh asks dd3 when she is on one do you need a hug ? She replies yes lol. It's amazing really. Trouble is it's all well and good when your at home and don't need to go out but when you need to get in the car, dressed and groomed and breakfasted and they don't want to aaaannnndddd your running late to get the other dc to school it's just so hard to get them to snap out of it. Thank goddess she has snapped out of the taking the seat belt of phase.

I've been known to take my daughter upstairs and shut the stairgate until we have both calmed down. I only do this if I feel I am going to lose it with her as I really don't want that to happen. Alternatively shut yourself off in a room just for a few minutes to gather yourself.

I once read that children are like this at home because they feel safe and secure enough to let off steam, they spend a lot of energy being 'good' at nursery or school. He is also testing his boundaries at that age with a new baby around. Persevere with the naughty step, be consistent with your consequences and always follow through.

Yes ahaparenting.com is a great resource on dealing with your anger and there's loads on toddlers in general there. Her article talks about feeling the emotion but choosing not to act on it (I think!) and that's what I'm trying to do now. I remember when I feel the anger take over and try to push it away somewhere before I act. Being conscious of it and practicing helps me react less in the moment. Toddlercalm also good. The best book I have read on toddlers is how to talk so little kids will listen. It's really accessible and covers everything including how to deal with your anger. Loads of tips and ideas on how to reduce getting to the point where you are that angry to begin with.

Totally different age groups but you asked if anyone has been having success with Calmer, Easier, Happier Parenting and I have to say having discussed the methods and the way forward with my husband we started the descriptive praise method today and have already seen progress. My youngest is 6 and eldest is 10 so a different set of problems were arising- sibling rivalry, couldn't leave them together for a minute without a bust up. This saddened me as my husband's cousin has 4 children ranging from 2-14 and they're pretty cooperative and caring for each other. She exudes calm though and will, I've noticed, descriptively praise. My youngest has had tantrums and upset since starting school and the morning routines have been testing for 2 years. As you are not meant to use superlatives like, 'well done, good boy, great job there' etc it is difficult to get out of that habit but we have both spent our day starting sentences with, ' I noticed that' so something like, ' i noticed that you have played with and considered your sisters feelings 4 times today.' You're meant to throw in to your praise the qualities that you're aiming for so even when my youngest was chasing Ds and screaming at him for accidently kicking a soft ball in to her playmobil fairy scene, knocking quite a few figures over. You find a moment even in that hysteria, so I stepped in front of her and said, 'you're showing kindness and understanding in stopping chasing your brother and have realised it's an accident.' Even if she had barged past me you have to keep trying to find a second of the non screaming time where you can praise. To my surprise she did back down. I had a moment at lunch where she wanted a chocolate biscuit as she had had a savoury thing about an hour earlier than my mum, husband and son. She was upset that I asked her to wait as others needed to eat their sandwich and salad first. She wasn't happy about this but I just went in to descriptive assumption mode so helped her close the fridge door where the chocolate biscuit was a few times and said, 'thank you for closing the fridge door as asked'. I then asked her if she could help prepare lunch as if would speed things up a bit. To my surprise she made my Mum's tuna sandwich. She even asked to have some salad!

We took them out for a country walk this afternoon and she wanted to climb this tree that lots of children climb. Usually I wade in and baby her as she'll squeal and say in a panicked tone that she's stuck and can't do it. Today her brother helped her and my praise mentioned his consideration and her self reliance. She reclimbed it with no upset another 3 times even told her brother she could do it and didn't need help. Self reliance is key for a child's confidence and diffusing frustrations so although the praise would have to be a lot more basic for a toddler, I suppose even using 'i saw' or 'i heard' rather than 'i noticed', I think personally this book is really worthwhile. Equally, I would have loved to have had this knowledge and resource in the toddler years as they're more easily influenced than a 10 year old and 6 year old. surprisingly, my 10 year old has not questioned my knew approach as odd.