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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL and smoking

28 replies

rosehiplavender · 19/08/2017 17:50

MIL and FIL smoke. Their fingers are stained from it and I can smell stale smoke on their breath.

It is just so normal for them.

DD is 16 months and walking. As a result they are interacting more with her and want her to spend time at their home.

AIBU to say no because of the smoke?

OP posts:
Starlighter · 19/08/2017 17:56

I think it's reasonable to ask them not to smoke around your DD. I have relatives that smoke but never in front of my DC. They insisted they wouldn't, straight off their own backs, no discussion needed. I think most people would understand.

Original poster
rosehiplavender · 19/08/2017 17:59

The problem is they smell of it even when not smoking. I just really don't want her smelling of smoke.

OP posts:
Mrscropley · 19/08/2017 18:01

Sorry but I don't want my dd smelling like an ash tray should do it. . .
And tell dh to tell them. .

Aquamarine1029 · 19/08/2017 18:04

No way would I let my kids be around that. Gross.

Original poster
rosehiplavender · 19/08/2017 18:04

That might cause a bit of trouble ... Grin

OP posts:
NicolasFlamel · 19/08/2017 18:07

Do they smoke in their house? If so I wouldn't let her go there. Or do they do it outside and just stink of it all the time?

Elllicam · 19/08/2017 18:11

We have the same issue with my dad Angry. He just doesn't get it, he smokes everywhere. We have asked him not to smoke around the kids but he lights up even when they are around. When he comes to our house he goes outside to smoke but leaves the doors open and if we try to shut them he gets offended. If we go to their house by the time we leave the kids stink of smoke. It makes me so upset to smell my babies head and it smells like an ashtray. Sorry I've derailed the thread a bit, I hope you find a solution.

Original poster
rosehiplavender · 19/08/2017 18:23

I have the same problem elli

It is horrible.

They do smoke in the house, it smells awful.

OP posts:
LightDrizzle · 19/08/2017 18:32

Not only did I have this issue with my mum, but despite being devoted to my daughter, she would lie! My mum is otherwise a caring, people-pleaser.

I found out she was smoking in the car with DD1 and telling her not to tell mummy! This was a firm and clearly stated rule for me, having suffered misery in the back of the car as a child myself as my parents puffed away. There is something about smoking that seems to make people readier to lie about it, I've been shocked with other people too. I suppose it's a combination of addiction and denial.

I bet if I mentioned it now, 20 years on, my mum would deny it and be genuinely offended.

Sorry not to be more positive.

2littlemoos · 19/08/2017 18:36

DD's grandparents are the same. I've never asked them to babysit because of it. Well that and wanting to give a baby a lolly...

We only really visit them in the summer and I take the DC outside when they light up.

When they visit us they go outside. Never seen them wash their hands eithed. Blergh!

Tiptoethr0ughthetulips · 19/08/2017 18:42

YANBU. Don't let your DD go there, as hard as it might be to discuss with them your DD has to come first. Maybe you could have them babysit her at your house with the agreement that they smoke outside and change out of outdoor clothing / wash hands etc before touching her.
It's 2017 we know all about the effects of passive smoking, surely your parents can't be too offended by facts.

Tiptoethr0ughthetulips · 19/08/2017 18:44

Inlaws

Oysterbabe · 19/08/2017 18:48

I wouldn't leave my children in a smokers house.

LoniceraJaponica · 19/08/2017 18:49

"AIBU to say no because of the smoke?"

Not at all. Your child, your rules.

If they want to see your DD they come to your house, and if they say they want her to come to theirs you tell them no because they smoke.

Smoking is a massive deal breaker for me and Iwould have no problems with telling someone that my child couldn't go to their house because of smoking.

Urubu · 19/08/2017 18:50

Awful, my MIL has many flaws but she was always very considerate with her smoking, always walking a few steps away from us and the buggy when we were having a walk and she wanted to light up, always washing her hands afterwards without being asked. When we visit them she smokes outside, even though she usually does it inside, etc.
No all smokers are inconsidate Smile
Still YANBU

Original poster
rosehiplavender · 19/08/2017 18:53

I have to admit Urubu I don't think that sounds considerate.

OP posts:
notanotherNC · 19/08/2017 18:58

Smoking a few steps away from the buggy? Oh how lovely!!!

NicolasFlamel · 19/08/2017 19:13

Even if they smoke outside when you're there, the house still reeks and is a smoky environment. I wouldn't take my child there and I wouldn't feel guilty about telling them why.

Tiptoethr0ughthetulips · 19/08/2017 19:21

Smoking outside when you're there isn't really good enough to protect kids from the effects of passive smoking, let alone stop them smelling of ashtray.

Urubu · 19/08/2017 19:31

Honestly, I am usually the first one to find things to criticize about MIL but on this one I stand by my opinion that she is considerate.
Re the few steps away from the buggy I meant, we are walking in the street together, she wants to light up and makes sure she is walking a few meters behind us to do so when usually smokers might consider that if you are outside the smoke doesn't count - this is considerate to me as she thinks about how to minimize the impact to the baby. Yes she could not smoke at all but as we are in central London with smoke from cars and lots of people smoking in the street I don't think the smoke from her cigarette a few meters away is making a difference (smoking while pushing the buggy would)

Urubu · 19/08/2017 19:39

And PIL's house is huge and honestly doesn't smell of smoke. MIL foesn't chain smoke, more like 4-5 a day and FIL not at all.
We live and different countries so visit them for a week usually, no hotels in their small village and DH and I don't drive so the other option is to never visit them, which seems a bit of an overreaction.
Her changing her habits and going outside without being asked is enough for me.
Anyway, that is my opinion, happy for others to disagree, I just think there is acceptable middle ground between chain smoking in front of a child and asking close relatives to quit smoking if they want to see their GC.
OP's PIL seem to be big smokers though so yes in her case not sure what the solution is.

LML83 · 19/08/2017 19:45

YANBU I wouldn't let my DD go to their house.

But it is nice they want to spend time with her. Why not ask them to watch her at yours while you pop to shops. Or suggest a park they could take her to?
I am sure they would never want to cause her any harm either. Just explain the guidelines now. I wouldn't go on about the smell as may sound rude just say 'it's lovely you want to spend time with dd, she loves seeing you both. It's best she doesn't spend time in any house where people smoke though. Would you be able to watch her at mine/go to park? Probably wouldn't be a problem but we are not taking any chances.'

Dreams16 · 19/08/2017 20:05

I am in the same boat too my in laws are lovely but they are heavy smokers both stink of smoke and their house stinks too
My own parents are smokers too but surprisingly their own house doesn't stink mums into Yankee candles plus they aren't really heavy smokers as such and when me and my DC go to stay at theirs occasionally they smoke outside in their garage away from DC so house stays smoke free and they don't stink of it oddly

But I'm reluctant to ever allow DC to go to in laws because I too don't want my DC stinking of smoke when me and my DH don't smoke ourselves and also for the health risks
So they usually end up coming to ours to visit DC

Original poster
rosehiplavender · 19/08/2017 21:22

LML because they stink of smoke. It's horrible.

OP posts:
HeteronormativeHaybales · 19/08/2017 21:30

I don't understand why potentially being 'rude' is such a consideration when these people have the appalling manners to impose the smelly, hazardous by-product of their addiction on everyone else, including their own grandchild.

OP, YANBU. MIL smoked in her small flat until she moved house last year, since when she has only smoked outside. Contact with the dc was very, very limited as babies/toddlers, especially because she wasn't having any truck with washing her hands/changing her top either. Visits to her old flat were occasional only even when the older two were a bit older, and the youngest never went there.