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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I have gone too far the other way

31 replies

gardenmintflower · 19/08/2017 11:28

My parents were so pushy. Would go through my school bag and read my work and tell me off for poor effort. My mum cried when I was moved down a set in maths.

I have backed off completely with my own children's education but now I am worrying that I might be going too far the other way and not encouraging them to achieve their best.

Any advice? Grin

OP posts:
purpleroses78 · 19/08/2017 11:33

I have a pushy mum OP. I got amazing grades but I was so stressed out and resentful. I was never allowed to do anything but study. I'm happy to have done well, but it did ruin our relationship.

IMO, I would have been happier with a bit more trust and less screaming. Praise for the good grades, and a calm discussion and plan of action for the less good ones. And also the reassurance that grades are not your whole life!

BubblesPip · 19/08/2017 11:33

I think it's important to be supportive and encouraging, but not so pushy. If you show no/little interest then your dc will probably go the same way?

Pengggwn · 19/08/2017 11:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
gardenmintflower · 19/08/2017 11:39

That's what I am asking about peng

OP posts:
ComingUpTrumps · 19/08/2017 11:39

YADNBU!!

I don't yet have kids, but feel that I might go the same way as you.

I feel that my (fairly overprotective and slightly overbearing but very well-meaning) DM has always had certain 'standards' that I had to meet. She's always wanted the best for me, but I feel that this involved signing me up for lots of after-school activities that I didn't want to do but didn't feel able to back out of.

When I was younger (from around the age of 8 to 14), I was ferried to and from swimming, karate, kayaking, cadets, orchestra and music lessons, and had an activity every night after school. In fairness though, I did want the music lessons.

I then got fixated on the idea (without realising it, probably) of wanting to please other people, which led me to really focus on my schoolwork and ultimately to reapply to Oxbridge in the hope of getting an offer (which I did). Luckily,
I loved my gap year and loved my time at Cambridge (for the most part).

ComingUpTrumps · 19/08/2017 11:42

I think it's important to be supportive and encouraging, but not so pushy. I agree with this.

I can't remember my Mum ever praising me for anything. She is very loving and I'm very lucky to have her as my Mum. I just wish I'd been praised a bit more, or told that I was loved. I was always compared to Pupil X or Pupil Y at school who was confident and extroverted, who did Grade 8 this and Grade 8 that, or who skipped a year at school, and I always felt as if my Mum wanted a more successful, more confident, 'better' child.

Pengggwn · 19/08/2017 12:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
gardenmintflower · 19/08/2017 12:03

It is wondering how involved others are. Do, please, stop criticising threads.

OP posts:
Oblomov17 · 19/08/2017 12:04

No. You are doing enough. Showing an interest, Going to parents evening, discussing their report and what they need to focus on: is surely enough.

ZippyCameBack · 19/08/2017 12:14

I've had exactly this problem. My oldest very quickly caught on that so long as he could convince me that he had done his best, I wouldn't make a fuss about the actual results. Now I've learnt to be much firmer about what qualifies as "doing his best". His results are better (much better actually) but I still don't stress about grades.
I think the key is to be strict about things like homework being done on time, and time being spent preparing for tests/exams, but not micromanaging.

charliethebear · 19/08/2017 12:16

My parents were very very untrust worthy, they never let me make my own way with work always constantly pressuring me to do work and get good grades. They also never ever praised me, it was always I could have done this better, that better. I got really good grades, but I was definitely overly stressed. Dps parents were the opposite, making a point of being not interested make your own way etc. And he got significantly worse grades than he was capable of. In the end neither of our parents were right but we've both got good careers.
I think a good amount of praise and encouragement is important without the pressure, they need to know that you will be happy with them for more than just their school work. In a way I am glad I got the grades I did because I needed them for my degree but I wish my parents had praised me more and been more positive. I think positivity is the key tbh, and never comparing them to others

Original poster
gardenmintflower · 19/08/2017 12:16

Thank you, both Smile

OP posts:
BahHumbygge · 19/08/2017 12:19

You can be authoritative without being authoritarian. Look up the difference. Encourage and inspire your kids, encourage self reflection and questioning. Be warm and empathetic.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 19/08/2017 12:20

I had the opposite experience to you in many ways. I guess my questions would be (i) do you think your DCs want more involvement from you and (ii) are they doing OK or struggling at school?

This "Praise for the good grades, and a calm discussion and plan of action for the less good ones. And also the reassurance that grades are not your whole life!" pretty much sums it up for me although any plan of action for maths would have been futile - I just didn't get it. Somehow I managed a lifelong love of learning not maths though despite my parents mother, which whilst I am mid-ramble I think is also important. I did truly love learning and if this can be fostered and if your DCs do love learning then that is a great gift that is completely aside from grades.

LivingInMidnight · 19/08/2017 12:23

My parents just let us get on with it, other than going to parents' evening. It worked alright for some of us and not so good for others (big family). In hindsight we wish they'd paid a bit more attention, but I'm sure they were doing what they thought was best.

Bizzysocks · 19/08/2017 12:27

It's hard to say with out more information. How old are you children? what do you do with them? listen to them read? get them to do there home work? if so then your probably doing fine.

Pengggwn · 19/08/2017 12:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

missperegrinespeculiar · 19/08/2017 12:37

Yes, I worry about this, too! OP I have the opposite situation! My parents were never interested in my school results, not neglectful, don't get me wrong, just never occurred to them that I might need support or a little pushing at school, in the end, I did very well (Oxbridge), but with lots of anxiety and poor working habits, I feel in a way it was a matter of luck I did get there, I wish they had been more present and more directive with my studies.

So with mine, I take a very active interest, but I have to stop myself obsessing about it, and keep in mind to always stay positive, praise for effort etc., I thought I was doing OK, but my DS1 is not doing very well, he is a smart kid, and all his teachers tell me he is not reaching his learning potential, so now I feel I should push more and actually insist on results rather than just effort, as PP was saying, but then I worry it will put him off learning, arrgghhh, so difficult!!

sorry, not very helpful, but yes, I struggle with this, too!

Gottagetmoving · 19/08/2017 12:41

I just went to school and got a ' well done' if I did well in tests or exams. Apart from that my parents didn't get involved in my education.
I didn't push my children but I did get involved. There are negatives and positives to both ways really.
Encouragement is good but too much pressure is damaging.
I think sometimes people do go too far the other way if they feel they suffered from their parents way of handling it.

GemmaB78 · 19/08/2017 12:45

I am writing my masters dissertation on parental engagement. Parental engagement with the child's learning at home (rather than involvement with the school) has been shown to have a (statistically) significant effect on attainment. So it is important. Help with homework when your child needs it. Show an interest in what they are doing. Provide an environment at home inducive to learning. Provide opportunities for learning: museums, sport, other extracurricular activities.

FizzyGreenWater · 19/08/2017 12:53

Encourage them to be enthusiastic and to want to throw themselves into things. School and everything else.

Keep reminding them that they don't know what they'll end up LOVING if they don't give everything a good try.

Tell them that giving things their best shot is FUN. Reading is fun. Maths is fun. Learning stuff is fun.

Lead by example! Read to them. Be curious about the world. Get involved in things and involve them too.

Alongside this tell them that doing their best in school is a good thing. But that that won't always equate to doing really well. No one is good at everything - the important thing in life is that you try though.

Tell them always that you love to see them do their best and that's all you ask. Because the most important thing is to be HAPPY.

SukiTheDog · 19/08/2017 12:53

There's a huge difference between encouragement and showing an interest/offering help and "shaming" or manipulating your child into keeping grades up/doing well.

I had an overbearing mum who pushed and pushed me to achieve. I did well at school/college and then dropped out totally after age 18. I regret it now and went in to a career in a profession I found rewarding but, I maybe could have done much better, had I not walked out of education at 18 with absolute burnout.

LoniceraJaponica · 19/08/2017 12:59

"I think it's important to be supportive and encouraging, but not so pushy. If you show no/little interest then your dc will probably go the same way?"

I think it is very hard to find the middle way. DD needs my support, and if I was hands off she would not thrive or do well, but I am aware that pushing too hard is counter productive. Most of her peers with hands off parents didn't do very well at GCSEs.

DD is doing A levels now and I support and encourage her but give very little input because I can't Grin - she is much cleverer than I am.

Original poster
gardenmintflower · 19/08/2017 13:00

It is that middle way I struggle with!

OP posts:
Yika · 19/08/2017 13:07

Very difficult to get the balance right on these things, and of course each child is different and thrives in different conditions.

I don't think it's as simple as 'You seem pretty aware of the issue, so you can just correct it?' as a pp says.

My parents were the opposite really, didn't push us, very much allowed us to enjoy our childhood, be free and autonomous. That is all to the good but achievement-wise it didn't help us. We mostly did OK on the strength of some natural aptitude and good teaching, motivation for the subjects that appealed etc, but the lack of self-discipline in self-study has held us all back in our careers I think, and in some subjects I just failed because I didn't have the self-discipline to achieve mastery (music and maths for example). I've really appreciated teachers I've had along the way that have taught study skills along with the subject - that helped me up my game - and I think parents can and should do this to some degree.

So I hope to try to instil good habits, perseverance and high standards in my own daughter. I try to praise effort but sometimes overpraise achievement - that brings a danger of complacency I think.

I think Zippy's suggestions about homework and exam prep are good - this is the kind of thing I'm thinking of.