To think I have gone too far the other way

[gardenmintflower]

My parents were so pushy. Would go through my school bag and read my work and tell me off for poor effort. My mum cried when I was moved down a set in maths.

I have backed off completely with my own children's education but now I am worrying that I might be going too far the other way and not encouraging them to achieve their best.

Any advice?

I had overbearing parents constantly berating me... I became a homework refuser and totally flunked my GCSEs

I was a really self motivated pupil, but my parents were behind me every step of the way. I distinctly remember struggling to memorize something for gcse and sticking the answers up in front of my mum when she was cooking, and getting her to tell me if I'd missed any. (Terms of the Versailles treaty). It was lovely that I thought she'd want to do this while cooking tea! I was quite ill during gcse years, so needed someone to help make sure I was directing my efforts well, so I passed everything. It's too easy just to work on your best subjects.
I think making sure you praise effort has an impact. Kids can choose how much effort they put in, they can't choose their grades! Could you manage that, without morphing into someone you're not?

I was one of those kids with a pushy dad who had a heavy hand if you didn't "try hard enough", so I have definitely not followed that path!

I have 2 girls who are fairly self motivating, so I don't need to push - I try to encourage them to do their best, create a quiet corner for study and homework, we discuss things that are in the news, discuss politics, make sure they are doing a study timetable to include stuff they are less able at so that certain subjects (German and history!!) don't get forgotten about.

I don't think I am pushy enough sometimes though.

DD is going on to a grammar sixth form and despite her wailing and screaming about not wanting to do the grammar school test aged 11, she has said "I wish you had made me take the test back then" - now that she sees the facilities and "work ethic" of our super selective.

I think this can come down to what a child needs and what they wants. If you perceive happiness for a child to be a childhood free from pressure and you think that will lead to happiness as adults then it's probably fine. On the other hand, if what they need to to make their future a relatively happy one or more comfortable one, is going to be helped by having more boundaries now then it might be better to take a stricter approach. It depends whether you're being too critical of yourself?

L

Being too laid back and hands off can give your children the impression that you don't care, or aren't interested, or that it's not important.

I suggest that you:

Tell them that if there's a subject they're struggling with, or a particular piece of homework, that you'll help them if it's in a subject you can, or you'll help them find resources on the net and work through it with them.

Ask in a neutral way what grades they got. Praise but not too much ('well done, you worked hard' rather than buying them a new bike!!) when they've done well. If they haven't, ask them how they feel about that. If they're upset, ask them if there's anything you can do to help (see above). If they're not upset, because they're not interested in the subject or know they didn't put any effort into it, acknowledge what they've said and let it go.

Make sure they have somewhere quiet to study, where they won't be constantly interrupted.

When they get to an appropriate age ( I suggest 13, before they start GCSEs), start talking in general terms about what they're interested in, and use that as a starting point for the following years to gently introduce the idea of thinking about their future and what they want to do as a job/career. It'll plant the seed in their mind to start thinking about it for themselves. Don't judge. Don't tell them that they can't because they're not good enough at maths/languages, just not bright enough, or whatever. Again be supportive. But help them to realise for themselves that achieving their aim will need hard work and effort.

I hope these ideas help you find your middle way. In summary, let them do it for themselves, but show them that you're interested and will support them.

It's a tough one.
My parents wanted me to do well, were critical when I didn't, but offered no support or help in assisting me to do well. I wasn't self-motivated (stick management didn't work too well for me) and so didn't do as well as I could have done if I had worked my hardest.

With my DSs (well, mostly DS1, DS2 is only 4 and starts school soon) I have been more pushy than my parents were, less critical of results, and I hope more supportive.
I have failed to keep the criticism in full check though - I do criticise DS1 when he doesn't think properly. He knows how to do stuff, but his brain/attention wanders sometimes and he'll come out with ridiculous answers to questions that he perfectly well knows the right answer to - and that does irritate me. However, when he gets stuck, I don't scoff or tell him to "go and work it out yourself" - I do help him with the things he's stuck with, until he gets them.

I don't know how it will turn out as he's only 9 and still enjoys school and school work at the moment - it might all go horribly wrong later, and lord knows what DS2 is going to be like (totally different kettle of fish) but so far it seems to be working pretty well. Fingers crossed!

But in your situation I would take more of an interest than you currently are doing, so that they get that feeling of support and care from you - they may not need it, but they might and you won't know until it's too late if they don't get it and needed it.