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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not lend her any money?

60 replies

Rainraingoawayagain · 18/08/2017 18:59

Ok just want views on this.
An old school friend of mine who I have not seen in almost ten years messaged me on Facebook and asked me if she could borrow 20 pounds from me. I was pretty surprised she messaged me tbh as the only connection we have is via Facebook.
This mum is constantly posting how hard done by she is how bad her life is and how men use her etc etc (Jeremy Kyle style) has a different boyfriend every week. And airs it all!
She has a 9 year old DD
Anyway I replied very politely that I no longer lived in that city and that I was sorry she was having difficulties etc but that I could drive all way over and that I'm in no position to pay anything as I'm doing overtime myself to get extra.
I thought was the end of it
An hour later she replies begging me to help ! Saying she has no gas or food for her DD and that she would accept a bank transfer!
Confused
I replied saying how sorry I was I couldn't help out again. No more messages.
im now for some reason feeling bad for her DD :( I hate thinking of any child going without ! Especially food I'm no tight ass and I give to charity weekly and the homeless and donate cloths and toys at xmas
Not only that the next evening I saw another post from her with unknown man with him and her in a photo holding a glass of wine to each other saying " cheers "
Hmmmm
Despite that I'm still feeling bad for her DD
AIBU to not help? Has money for wine but not food? I dunno..

OP posts:
Pantryboy · 18/08/2017 19:19

Block block block she's bad news

montenana · 18/08/2017 19:21

don't feel bad. if she really is this hard up £20 is not going to help her at all. she either needs it for drugs (hence the desperation) or is trying it on with anyone she can to see if anyone bites. If you pay up the requests will never end.

milliemolliemou · 18/08/2017 19:24

(1) Could be a hack. I would certainly post something on her wall as PP suggested saying I've had some strange messages from you

(2) could be real desperation but not with wine and lifestyle as you've reported etc

(3) do you know anyone who could check on the welfare of her child? The NSPCC might advise if you know her address and you could do it anonymously.

Pretenditsaplan · 18/08/2017 19:33

Its a friday she wants to buy booze

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 18/08/2017 19:33

I've known two people who would just randomly ask absolutely anyone to lend them money.

One was a heroin addict and the other was just bloody cheeky!

Whichever, try to feel no guilt in saying no. Like others have said, there must be a reason that those closer to her are saying no. If her DD was genuinely without food or electricity & there was nothing more going on then I'm sure somebody (a grandparent maybe, or the child's father) would be helping her. Possibly by actually buying the food & electricity top up if they don't trust her with cash - but helping nonetheless.

thatdearoctopus · 18/08/2017 19:36

We received a phone call late one night from an old school-friend of dh's who had fallen on hard times (well, had fallen into "bad company" and was pretty debilitated from drugs and alcohol), asking to borrow a relatively small (to us) amount of money to put in his electricity meter. He said he had no one else to ask (reasonably affluent parents had I think given up on him). He promised he would pay the money back by Friday.

It seemed an odd amount to ask for, and a sign of his desperation that he would phone up dh after not having been in contact for some time. Dh dithered for a short while wondering if the money would be spent on drugs and we of course know that you should never lend money unless you're aware that you may not ever see it back. That wasn't the issue.

Dh said he would of course lend, but that if friend didn't repay it, to please not ask again. We expected that it would be a gift really,

The following Friday, he turned up at the door and handed dh the money back. Sad

As a total aside, his remaining parent died recently, and the house was up for sale at nearly £3/4 million. I'm wondering how he will manage his inheritance. Last we heard, he had cleaned up his act. I really hope so.

Letstryagainshallwe · 18/08/2017 19:38

If she has no money there are emergency funds from the council so she should be going to them before asking you

Serialweightwatcher · 18/08/2017 19:39

She's probably asked every friend on her fb by the sounds of it - very odd to contact someone you haven't seen for so long

nippey · 18/08/2017 19:39

This happened to me a few years ago, I did it once as she used to be a close friend but then she kept asking all the time. Never heard from her again after I told her I couldn't lend her anymore. I heard from a mutual friend that she has developed a cocaine habit and many of our old friends had received the same message.

neveradullmoment99 · 18/08/2017 19:44

To whoever said coke. I agree. Sounds like a drug habit.

Spangles1963 · 18/08/2017 19:48

Oh I hate it when people do this. You've not seen them or really had anything to do with them for years,then they suddenly ask if you can lend them money! Personally I think it's a damn cheek and would simply keep repeating that I cannot afford it (which I can't).

WhereYouLeftIt · 18/08/2017 20:01

"You have to wonder why you are the only person she thought she could ask."
^^ This

And my guess would be - because everyone closer to her has already refused. And for good reason.

sonjadog · 18/08/2017 20:09

I bet you weren´t the only person she sent that message to. The follow up was because you answered. If she is out drinking wine, then you know that she is not desperate so you don´t need to feel bad about her daughter.

tabbycatbythesea · 18/08/2017 20:51

Could she have been hacked? I've seen a few posts about this happening recently

emmyrose2000 · 19/08/2017 00:30

Block her and move on. She's probably an addict trying to scam people out of money.

Rainraingoawayagain · 19/08/2017 00:41

Definitely not hacked she's posts daily on her wall etc. She posted about six months ago if anyone could hand down cloths for her DD I said I could as has a load to go charity shop anyways but she would just have to pick them up didn't want any money for them. But because I wouldn't drop them she refused. Seems to me that she needs it all handed on a plate. But unfortunately I couldn't get to her it's 45 miles from me and had no spare time off work or I would of taken them ( if I was closer) I dunno

OP posts:
LogicalPsycho · 19/08/2017 09:15

Drugs or booze.

Also, asking a face from the past must mean they are desperate, and have exhausted all other options. The people they're closer to have obviously got wise to it and won't facilitate her spending habits...hence your random begging request.
Delete/Block and move on.

WhamBarsArentAsFizzyAsTheyWere · 19/08/2017 09:20

I wouldnt.

I recently had a mother from the school run pleading poverty and i lent her £20, she then asked for more and more and more which I said no to.

Then the excuses as to why she couldn't pay me back which then resulted in her saying she is never giving it back to me because I told someone that she was due me money and she was mortified.

Turned out she was shooting it all into her arm and had ripped off lots of people.

There are other avenues to go down when you have no food/electric and you have a child that do not involve begging random people you hardly know.

DisorderedAllsorts · 19/08/2017 09:59

Before blocking her I would be tempted to post under her pic with latest beau this line 'so glad you got your cash shortage sorted, you can always use a foodbank if you're struggling to feed your child. But as you're toasting with a glass of wine, I can see that you don't have a cash shortage anymore.' Then block.

Serialweightwatcher · 19/08/2017 10:29

So you have had conversations with her and offered stuff for free - that's different ... she realises you tried to help so that's why she's asking you again. Thought you'd added her and not actually had anything to do with her for 10 years before this but that must have made her realise that you may be a soft touch?

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 19/08/2017 10:44

YANBU to not lend her the money.
However YABU to bring her JK lifestyle in to it. Why is that relevant.
If she was part of a 2.4 family would you have lent her the money, after not seeing her for 10 years

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 19/08/2017 10:47

I suspect drugs as well. I'd definitely ignore it.

Rainraingoawayagain · 19/08/2017 11:06

Awwlookatmybabyspider
If you knew this person yuh would understand that's all i can say lol
TBH her daughter was the only thing I was thinking about.. and as for Jeremy Kyle would you mind me messaging you a link you may find this incredibly JEREMY KYLEGrin and maybe get it..

OP posts:
CommonSenseIsNotAllThatCommon · 19/08/2017 11:20

One of ds friends mum is like that. Will put up a begging message no food no money benefits been stopped because of jealous people etc etc. Any donations go up her nose. She's known to SS.
I've fed and looked after her kids more times when she's 'popped to the shops' and gone missing. I would love to be able to take them in.

Rainraingoawayagain · 19/08/2017 11:57

Commonsense.
See now that just bloody annoys me! To me children COME FIRST against any need of the adult!
You did a lovely thing. It's a shame some parents just can't seem to put their own needs aside

OP posts:
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