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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Apparently I should stop asking

56 replies

FridasMonobrow · 15/08/2017 22:51

I am not a nag. I pick my battles which in practical terms means I put a lot of shoes back on the shoe rack and I don't say anything about it. My choice. I do way more than 50% of household chores and I'm not saying I'm happy about it but over the years

OP posts:

Smeaton · 15/08/2017 23:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pallisers · 15/08/2017 23:26

Broken sleep can create more broken sleep, which OP might then have to be up and down all night.

Then she tells him if he wakes the baby by slamming the door he is on for the night. Why should it be OP who will be up and down all night?

I guarantee it won't last long enough to create a pattern for the baby. Husband will change his behaviour immediately once it impacts him. He doesn't give a shit as long as it only impacts the woman he loves.

Pallisers · 15/08/2017 23:27

Get yourself a long rubber band.
Pull the door handle down.
Put the band over the end of the handle, both sides, while the handle is down. It will hold the handle down, so the door can "close", but the lock won't engage.
Problem solved

Well yes the problem with the door is solved. Don't think that is the major problem here though.

peekyboo · 15/08/2017 23:28

Trouble is if he's the sort of person who doesn't bother remembering not to slam the door then he's probably also the type to refuse to get up for the baby and to turn it round to being the OP's fault they're all awake.

AvoidingCallenetics · 15/08/2017 23:29

I'd have killed my husband for less, back in the day when I had tiny, easily woken babies!

I would politely point out that if he doesn't wish to be reminded, he needs to stop slamming the fucking door.

Failing that you can make an anti slamming device out of his bollocks!

viques · 15/08/2017 23:29

Whoever wakes her..........

Takes her.

eatabagofdicks · 15/08/2017 23:30

Tell him the baby being woken is really grinding your gears. I agree with letting him deal with baby if he wakes her up.

blankface · 15/08/2017 23:30

Put some self adhesive pads on the door frame so it won't slam or make a noise. The sort they use for kitchen cupboard doors and drawers.

try one of these, easily made.

NoSquirrels · 15/08/2017 23:31

He wakes the baby, he settles the baby.

Natural consequences teach better habits.

Stop picking your battles - start strategising the end game. You want shoes off the hall floor, make it inconvenient to him that they're not on the rack. Pick them up & put them upstairs in his wardrobe.

Etc.

pictish · 15/08/2017 23:32

What Marmalade said.

He got annoyed at you out of childish defensiveness as someone else said. He's being a total nob.

Pallisers · 15/08/2017 23:32

Quite possibly - I certainly think it is likely. But is so I think it is better than the OP realise that the issue is not the slamming door but something bigger.

Original poster

FridasMonobrow · 15/08/2017 23:32

Lonestar it's not slamming in anger, just that you can either press the handle down to close it quietly or pull it, which creates the 'slamming' sound with the bit that sticks in the doorframe.

OP posts:

Pallisers · 15/08/2017 23:33

And all of those practical solutions being offered ... why wouldn't the dh who simply can't remember not to slam a door be googling those and implementing them? Why is it his wife's problem - she knows how to close the door.

Original poster

FridasMonobrow · 15/08/2017 23:39

You all make good points. Sadly seemingly petty things are looming large since having a baby. I'm hopeful we'll get back on track but fit now honestly can't fathom how him forgetting to be quiet ends up being me annoying him. (though I have reminded him a whole bunch of times).

OP posts:

CheshireChat · 15/08/2017 23:42

DP is naturally quite loud and noisy. I made it absolutely clear (even when I was BF as he thought that's an easy fix for him) that if he wakes DS up, he also settles him. He didn't believe me, I refused to help. The end .

SeaToSki · 15/08/2017 23:46

One more practical suggestion! Get some duck tape and tape the edge of the door over the bit that sticks out and makes the slamming noise... sorry cant remember what its called. I did that once when my toddler was in a door opening and shutting stage and he was waking the baby. Its quite effective at keeping it back out of the way.

Pallisers · 15/08/2017 23:47

a baby does create a bit of a bomb in a relationship. It is all very well doing a bit extra picking up shoes/cleaning etc when it is just the 2 of you. When you are also caring for another dependent human being - and possibly working or going back to work - all bets are off.

If I were you I would sit down with your dh at some point when there hasn't just been an argument. Tell him that the baby has made a huge amount more work for both of you and you appreciate the 2 of you pulling together. Then ask him if he could agree not to presume the worst - you are nagging for example but just that you want him not to wake the baby. Similarly you will not presume the worst either - that he is doing it deliberately or doesn't give a shit about you. He definitely needs to realise he is in a new world order now - the only way to get the petty things under control is for everyone to try their hardest to be the kindest they can possibly be.

You kind of need to sort this out now imo. The baby years are hard and it is REALLY tempting to feel "he does nothing" or "she is always nagging". Might be true but you have to figure a way to get beyond that. Presumably you love and like each other. So you both have to be kind - that includes him. good luck.

DoJo · 15/08/2017 23:49

If he forgets not to slam the door, let him be responsible for coming up with a way to help him remember or eliminate the problem. Why should you be responsible for his poor memory and unreasonable defensiveness?

I would tell him that it grinds your gears to be dealing with the fall out of his failure to consider the other people in the house and he can either remember or think of some way to stop the door slamming.

It's sad that so many of the posts on here are solutions that almost involve you acknowledging that it is your job to facilitate his crappy behaviour by coming up with a solution. I know posters are trying to help, but some of the suggestions seem more appropriate for a minor annoyance or a difference of opinion than a repeated act that is waking a baby and impinging on your sleep!

HeddaGarbled · 15/08/2017 23:51

"If you wake the baby up again, you selfish bastard, I will stab you in the eye with a rusty knife. Do you prefer this as a method of communicating my needs?"

Akire · 15/08/2017 23:54

Most new parents I know would tip toe around the house if they thought the baby would sleep longer at night, the fact he fails to see the problem Is worrying. If he was at least very very sorry about the baby but geniuly forgetful that's one thing.
He's just annoyed at you for nagging.

Original poster

FridasMonobrow · 15/08/2017 23:58

Pallisers what a thoughtful post, thank you. I think I will take your advice.

OP posts:

Atenco · 15/08/2017 23:59

Surely he should look after the baby if he wakes her, that is the only way any of us learnt, though dealing with the consequences of our actions.

ClopySow · 16/08/2017 00:07

Superglue the bathroom door shut with him in it?

Or go with some of the more practical suggestions, and definitely do what Pallisers said.

gluteustothemaximus · 16/08/2017 00:10

I felt irrational rage at reading your post. I would kill anyone waking my baby right now!!!! Especially a stroppy door slamming husband.

Hope you can talk to him OP and make him realise that it is imperative he shows respect for you by being quiet!

timeisnotaline · 16/08/2017 00:10

I know posters are trying to help but all of these suggestions make him waking the baby AND getting angry at you your problem?! He would be awake every single time I was up with the baby that night, no exceptions. My dh would shut our front door loudly. He was very apologetic and every single time he woke thebaby doing this he would take them. Because responsible parent not self centred manchild.

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