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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH always late home - never says

46 replies

Skittlesss · 15/08/2017 18:05

AIBU to be mad that my husband is always late home from work. Sometimes he's home 45 mins to an hour after his normal finish time. All I have asked is that he call or text to let me know so then I can hold off making our tea.

Today he was supposed to finish at 4.30 and said he would call me to see if I wanted to go shopping or whether I wanted him to go on his way home. He never bothered and didn't even read my text message. Rocked up at 5.45.

I've just had a row with him about how it makes me feel like he's being disrespectful. I knew when he got his job that he would work late, but all I've asked is that he lets me know so then I can plan meals etc around it.

I feel so stressed out. I'm trying to work at home full time as well as juggle looking after the kids etc. He's not taken a single day off to look after the kids in the holidays. It's all down to me. I have MH problems and recently had 6 months off work due to MH and I just feel so worked up/stressed.

AIBU to ask that he let me know he will be late home?

OP posts:

Butterymuffin · 15/08/2017 18:11

I would now say that you'll wait till a certain time to get a message about his ETA, and after that you will just make your own tea and leave him to organise food for himself.

Butterymuffin · 15/08/2017 18:13

Can you book the kids into some holiday club for at least some time to give you a break? He shouldn't be taking no part at all in childcare if you also work FT. But this might be the quickest way to help yourself.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 15/08/2017 18:15

Don't plan the meals around him any more. Plan them around you and the children. That's what we do in our house if one is home and the other can't be sure / can't communicate what they are doing.

ivykaty44 · 15/08/2017 18:17

I can't leave work until I've finished, no way I can use my phone. Unfortunately I have to work but I'd be nightly pissed of if someone at home had a few bad words for me being late - it's bad enough having to stay.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/08/2017 18:17

What does he say he's doing after work that makes him so late? That's the more important question, in my opinion.

BabsGanoush · 15/08/2017 18:17

If he doesn't ring don't cook him a meal - cook yourself something nice so the smell lingers when he walks in the door.

He'll soon learn if he's hungry when he gets in.

caffeinestream · 15/08/2017 18:18

Stop planning around him. Feed yourselves and the kids and he can reheat his or go without.

haveacupoftea · 15/08/2017 18:19

Can you not just put his dinner in the oven? You sound quite controlling to me.

BizzyFizzy · 15/08/2017 18:19

If he is "late" every day, them surely that becomes his normal time?

MyKingdomForBrie · 15/08/2017 18:20

If it's not difficult for him to text and let you know then YANBU. Can you get friend finder on your phones just to check when he's left the office? You can set it to alert you.

Crispbutty · 15/08/2017 18:22

Teach him how to use the microwave. My dp works on call a lot and I never know what time he will be home. If I'm cooking dinner I plate his up and he nukes it.

Original poster

Skittlesss · 15/08/2017 18:22

I think I will look into holiday club and try to get a bit of a break that way.

He is allowed to use his phone at work - actually he uses his phone for work so takes work related calls on it, so it's not like he has to keep it switched off or somewhere else. He's got a lot of work on and he's got quite a lot of staff to manage so his workload is never-ending. I don't mind him working late, it's that he never tells me - oh I will be home late today. Some days he's on time and others he isn't. It's very unpredictable.

OP posts:

NotInMyBackYard1 · 15/08/2017 18:23

My DH can rock up at the door any time between 630pm and sometimes as late as 830pm, I never know, he never lets me know - despite me asking him to do so. Result = he now makes his own dinner when he gets home. Problem solved.
I eat with the kids or when I fancy after they have gone to bed, or with him when he gets back - its not an issue really. Accept that he could be home anytime and then you won't get so stressed about it?

purpleprincess24 · 15/08/2017 18:24

DH always calls me when he's on his way home so that I can judge dinner

NewJourney · 15/08/2017 18:43

If he has a job where he can use his phone then I don't think it is unreasonable just to get a text to say "Sorry hun, won't be home on time". But there are loads of jobs where it is unsafe or impractical to text home.

I always let hubby know if I won't be back the time he expects and he does the same. Then you can just put tea in the microwave or oven for when he is home and you know he is safe, but there is nothing to stop you just starting dinner, if he is home he is home, if he isn't he just needs to reheat it. It is annoying but not the end of the world.

endofthelinefinally · 15/08/2017 18:52

Having been married to someone who worked 14 hour days for 30 years I would suggest cooking in bulk, portioning meals and making full use of the microwave. It is easier all round.

YouCantArgueWithStupid · 15/08/2017 18:53

My DH can be home any time from 6pm to 8:30pm if not later on a few occasions. He always messages me to say on the blah blah train from Charing Cross/Victoria/London Bridge. I'd be mighty annoyed if he didn't give me some sort of indication each night

Grotbagswisp · 15/08/2017 18:56

It does sound as though you are feeling stressed.

I dont think it''s that late though, he finishes at 4.30pm and gets home just over an hour later. It might be that something comes up last minute and he has to leave a bit later.

If he was getting in after 7pm every evening and not explaining then I'd be annoyed. I know it's difficult when you are watching the clock waiting for him to come home but it's a good idea to try to relax about it and just put some food on a plate he can heat up if he's later.

It sounds as though you are trying to juggle everything and feeling under pressure so I think you getting a break would be a good idea.

Original poster

Skittlesss · 15/08/2017 19:00

I feel like I'm going to have another breakdown. I struggle to concentrate and plan with cooking so I think batch cooking sounds like a good idea. That way I can cook on one of my good days. It takes a long time to do simple tasks sometimes. I'm on medication and slowly getting better.

I just didn't know if I was being unreasonable and I was trying to do my CBT worksheet about it all but struggled.

Just lying here crying feeling like a complete failure

OP posts:

NewJourney · 15/08/2017 19:04

You are not a failure, we all get wound up over things sometimes. Definitely try the batch cooking it will take off loads of the stress and give you more time to take 10 minutes for yourself

eddielizzard · 15/08/2017 19:15

what's that saying? before diagnosing yourself with low self esteem or depression, first check that you're not surrounded by arseholes.

of course he can show you some consideration.

but also be proactive and book your kids into some camps. and take a day off to be on your own. you need a break too. and make your dh take some leave. it's not bloody fair!

ShellyBoobs · 15/08/2017 19:16

Are you waiting for him so that you can all eat together, or is it just you and DH you eating together?

If so, could you not plan to eat at the latest time he tends to get in?

As others have said though, let him sort himself out if that's easier.

Cherrytart6 · 15/08/2017 19:19

Yes put the kids in childcare and ask him to collect them on certain agreed days.

Cook and if he's not back, eat with the kids. He can reheat.

ButtHoleinOne · 15/08/2017 19:20

Unfortunately I have to work but I'd be nightly pissed of if someone at home had a few bad words for me being late - it's bad enough having to stay.

You'd be pissed off if someone was making your dinner and you were too lazy to even text when you walked out of the door at work? Nice.

Cherrytart6 · 15/08/2017 19:20

Or just tell him tea will be in the table at 5.30 (or when ever)

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