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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH always late home - never says

46 replies

Skittlesss · 15/08/2017 18:05

AIBU to be mad that my husband is always late home from work. Sometimes he's home 45 mins to an hour after his normal finish time. All I have asked is that he call or text to let me know so then I can hold off making our tea.

Today he was supposed to finish at 4.30 and said he would call me to see if I wanted to go shopping or whether I wanted him to go on his way home. He never bothered and didn't even read my text message. Rocked up at 5.45.

I've just had a row with him about how it makes me feel like he's being disrespectful. I knew when he got his job that he would work late, but all I've asked is that he lets me know so then I can plan meals etc around it.

I feel so stressed out. I'm trying to work at home full time as well as juggle looking after the kids etc. He's not taken a single day off to look after the kids in the holidays. It's all down to me. I have MH problems and recently had 6 months off work due to MH and I just feel so worked up/stressed.

AIBU to ask that he let me know he will be late home?

OP posts:

Cherrytart6 · 15/08/2017 19:21

It's very rude not to let a person who's cooking your meal know your arrival time. Basic manners

CottonSock · 15/08/2017 19:22

My dh sends me a text every day when leaving, not difficult and keeps me happy.
I know then if to wait for him etc

MsWanaBanana · 15/08/2017 19:24

My husband works shifts and even when he's on an early he tends to work overtime and come home later than expected. I just make our dinner when it suits me and the kids and leave his portion on a plate in the oven. He very rarely eats with us during the week as he's never here on time. Or cook the meal, feed the kids at their dinner time and keep yours and hubbys aside until he comes home if you want to eat with him. It might be an idea to invest in a slow cooker so you can just bung everything in and he can just help himself when he comes homes

MsWanaBanana · 15/08/2017 19:25

And you're not a failure at all OP. We all have moments when we feel like the walls are coming in on us. I know you have mh issues but that does not mean you are a failure

jamdonut · 15/08/2017 19:27

I was also going to say can't you just have tea later? Why not at 6pm, that is not a late time to have tea. I think it would be nice if he could just text you to let you know he's been delayed. If he's home earlier than that it won't matter if he has to wait a short time, surely? Tea doesn't have to be on the table the minute he walks in, does it?

mycatloveslego · 15/08/2017 19:29

My DH used to do this. Sometimes he wouldn't get home until 10 and I'd been waiting all evening to cook/eat. It drove me crazy. He just didn't understand why it bothered me so much.
Eventually, I decided that if he wasn't home by 8 I would eat and he could either warm his up or get his own,or I just ate earlier with DS. I warned him about this, but he took no notice, as usual. After a few nights of getting home late to no dinner or eating something that was vile after being heated up, he's much better at letting me know his plans!
Better to stop planning meals around him, get on with what you want to do and if he doesn't like it, all he has to do is send you a quick text or a quick call.
Also, go out at short notice at the weekend and leave him with the kids so he doesn't have time to object or come up with an excuse why he can't do it.

Goodasgoldilox · 15/08/2017 19:36

If you feel that you must make his dinner - even without this information- tell him what time it will be ready and put it on the table then.

He can arrive and eat it hot - or have it cold later - his choice.

He is lucky to have someone cooking for him. I expect that your mental health would be getting better more quickly if you had this sort of care from him!

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/08/2017 19:37

Dh does this. No warning as to what time so I call him. Calls or texts me sometimes when he's just left. Doesn't help as up until recently he worked 10 mins away. Now it's 20. He works all hours and comes home any time between 6 and 8.30. Sometimes later.

Dd has done lots of clubs I'm chronically ill so don't work and she finds what I can do boring. Clubs are the way forward to give you a break.

Lenl · 15/08/2017 19:37

You're not being unreasonable and you're not a failure!

He's able to text as he uses his phone so it's plain thoughtless not to when you have asked him too, particularly if you are struggling with your MH - surely he'd do whatever he could to support you with that and a text is a super low effort way of helping you out.

I agree either leave his to reheat or don't bother at all. However I wonder if the issue is more than dinner and also just about needing to know when he's back. Days at home with kids are long and I always clock watch. I'm looking at the time regularly from about an hour before DP is due home because it's all a bit easier once there's 2 of you home!

Like you say it's really that they are late that's the problem, it's the not knowing. DP works much more regular hours now but he used to rock up random times between 5 and 6.30 and never tell me. I remember standing in the front garden with the baby one winter night because I was so frazzled and stressed, just waiting for his car. I think I had a bit of a meltdown that evening and he always texted when he left from then on. Once you know you can use the time however you need in order to get through.

So - you are not being unreasonable at all. I'd raise it again later once you feel calm and say how you don't mind what time he's back, you just want to know when it will be. Then I'd text a around normal end time and say "Don't forget to let me know when you leave. Really appreciate it. Love you xx" or whatever to soften it. Just keep saying calmly how important it is to you.

The number one thing though is that it is a perfectly acceptable thing to ask someone to do. Anyone could need this so don't let him hang it on your MH and make you feel unreasonable.

Lenl · 15/08/2017 19:39

Like you say it's really that they are late that's the problem, it's the not knowing

Should say Like you say it's NOT really that they are late that's the problem, it's the not knowing

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/08/2017 19:39

Dh always warms his food up. Or I prepare him a stir fry and he cooks it.

Viviennemary · 15/08/2017 19:43

I wouldn't make this your problem. Either move the evening meal back until 6 pm. Or if that isn't convenient say the meal will from now on be at such a time and if you're not back then I'll save yours in the oven. You're not a café. I wouldn't even bother relying on texts.

ofudginghell · 15/08/2017 19:46

During the week we eat after the dc have gone to bed purely based on the logistics. We tried waiting till dh would all to say he was on his way but by the time food was dished up it was nearing 7pm and far too late for them to eat.
Now I get the dc fed between 5 and 6 normally and prep our veg etc while cooking for the kids.
Once they are in bed il pre heat oven and then shove ours in while we jump in the shower.
We have to be careful not to pootle or we end up eating really late but normally we sit down about 8 ish although not tonight
Dh hours change to finishing a bit earlier in the autumn so it is abit easier.
It does get stressful though at times op.
Grit your teeth. You aren't a failure. You are a busy lady juggling life and it gets to you sometimes.

Order a takeaway on later nights to take the stress off.
The little things like that help.

hotsouple · 15/08/2017 19:48

I find the not texting thing to be a very male behavior, it drives me nuts when they do it. It takes 2 seconds to send a text with an ETA or to say don't wait up. It is a sign of basic disrespect to me.

dingdongdigeridoo · 15/08/2017 19:56

Eat when it's convenient for you. A couple of days of cold dinners will soon teach him to text in advance. Although if you're both working full time he should be shouldering the cooking chores too.

And get some help! I've worked from home with a child and it's bloody awful. You need peace and quiet so you can focus.

Phineyj · 15/08/2017 20:07

Is there any reason he can't cook? If he's the one with the unpredictable (but still rather early) arrival time, plus he's in a position to drive past food shops, this could be his task? That's what we do. It has become that way over the years once I realised it worked better for us (DH introvert who likes to hide in the kitchen for a bit).

Princess28 · 15/08/2017 20:17

Do you each have an iPhone? I used to get annoyed with the OH coming home late as I would hold off dinner til he got home (usually 6 ish). Was really annoyed as he could have called/emailed or got his secretary to! It was usually a meeting that had overran. Now I look at the find friends app- if he's still at work at 6 dinner is served for me and the children and he reheats when he gets home, if it looks like he's on his way we wait. Much easier without the rows!

Cailleach666 · 15/08/2017 20:38

Doesn't bother me TBH.

My OH is rarely home on time.
Officially he should finish at 5.30pm 15 minute drive home.
In practice he is rarely home before 7pm, and often 8.
I never cook dinner based around him- he can heat up leftovers when he gets in if he wants to- no big deal
Tonight he arrived ome at 7pm to an empty house- me and the kids went out for an Indian meal without telling him.
No big deal in our house.

Roomster101 · 15/08/2017 21:13

I wouldn't bother me that much. I would either leave him a portion to warm up. If he doesn't like cold food he can make his own.

CheshireChat · 15/08/2017 21:32

I rarely cook for DP due to this...

He never called to let me know when he finished so I stopped taking him into account. Not just food, but things like going out as well as he has a maddening habit to just cancel stuff if he can't be arsed and I like knowing what I'm doing and it's unfair on DS too.

I used to leave him food, but as he couldn't even be bothered to put it in the fridge so it doesn't go off... Well, he's a big boy, he can manage [shrug].

BizzyFizzy · 15/08/2017 23:28

I think this is one area that you can't control about your spouse. You just have to work around it.

First, if there is a pattern around him getting in at a certain time, then accept that. It's not related to his official end time. When my DH gets to the end of his official hours, he starts packing up and that can take 45 minutes. We aren't all perfect time managers.

Second, arrange supper for 15 minutes after his last realistic arrival time, unless that's very late.

My DH is typically home around 6.30 and I will serve up at 7. If he running late and lets me know, I will delay supper. If he doesn't, we will eat without him. He is usually quite gracious about this.

There are some battles you need to pick and some you need to absorb. I think this is one you just need to plan around. I doubt he will change because of nagging our pouting.

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